Thanks, Guys
In my last post of the year, I wanted to say a little something about how grateful I am to each and every one of you who’s ever read an […]
A month ago, I wrote an article (here) about not grasping why people get tattoos. And, because I’m aiming to come off as more crotchety than Old Man Clemens, now I’m rallying against piercings, which I find equally baffling.
Let me start out by saying I don’t hate all piercings. I’m not Amish, so pieced ears are fine. Pierced nipples don’t move me either way, though I interpret them as saying “I definitely don’t require the use of condoms.” (Also, if you’re a girl with those Whac-A-Mole nipples that hide under the boob’s surface like missile silos, barbell piercings do a good job of keeping your warheads at DEFCON 3 or higher.) And hood piercings are fantastic homing beacons for the folks that slept through health class and couldn’t locate a clit to save their life because vaginas are terrifying mazes that resemble Predator’s mouth.
My problem lies with piercings that go beyond the aforementioned, like those seen on the bleached blond orc to the left. Gauged ears? Why? So the Chipmunks can run a train on your earlobe as Dave Seville pleasures himself and tapes it? And don’t get me started on the Monroe piercing, aka the metal booger that you can’t wipe away. Looks like all the peanut butter in the world still can’t get Fido to go down on you with that metallic abomination in your visage, you duckfaced jackass. Smart dog.
If you have a weird piercing, fine, whatever. I’m sure there’s a great story about what it means to you that you tell every guy five minutes before he jets a load across your back. Just know that there is nothing rebellious whatsoever about your stupid metal and all of us laugh about it behind your back. Man, that’s the cuntiest thing I’ve ever typed. I feel like Claire from The Breakfast Club. Score.
Amber on January 4, 2011
Hahaha! Don’t get me started! Yep loved to see people with the lip and eyebrow piercings, looked like a fishing trip gone horribly wrong! And the gauged ears! Be useful to hang you keys there I guess.. Hmm people escape tribes so they don’t get those ridiculous things put in their ears! And here come some white boy with huge gauges that you could hula hoop with! WHY?? What happens when they grow tired of it and take them out? You have a yard of ear lobe hanging down.. O yeah a sexy look there boy howdy!
Niki on January 4, 2011
Funny, the only piercing I have ever thought was cute or attractive was the lip mole piercing. I got a little stick on jewel & tried it out and it didn’t work so well for me. I used to put them in my belly button and that was rad.
Does your piercing tirade only apply to chicks, man? What about obnoxious dude piercings?
Brian on January 4, 2011
John likes dudes with piercings. It makes tummysticks a slightly more dangerous game.
Nyssa23 on January 4, 2011
How timely of you to have written this merely days after I became aware of the abomination called corset piercing. (Google at your own risk.) Yikes!
Hell, I thought I was daring getting the second ear piercing.
Brian on January 5, 2011
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lgtR4QLL3W8&feature=related
Enjoy.
reallyprofound on January 5, 2011
You are my hero. I fucking detest piercings beyond the lobes.