Why the Redskins Will Kill Me – Week 7

Four plays.

Four plays before the Redskins gave up a touchdown to the Eagles.

At that point, I was done. Had I been at my own place, I’d have flipped over to FOX to watch “House.” It’d have had a less predictable outcome than the towering monument to frustrated impotence I witnessed being built in front of me, one botched play at a time. (For those that haven’t watched it, every episode of “House” is the same. Yeah, funny joke, I know. Shut up and keep reading.)

In an attempt to make the game bearable, I began texting the one female Eagles fan I know, begging her to take off her top and send me pictures as a sign of good sportsmanship. Though I thought my logic was rather flawless, she was unmoved my my pleas, and I was forced to sit back and rationally analyze the game rather than enjoy it through areola-tinted glasses.

First things first: Though the results were hardly spectacular, Sherman Lewis calling the plays was a (small) step in the right direction. Two touchdowns speak for themselves. (Two touchdowns. La di da. It’s like a guy who’s just gotten laid for the first time in a year: Nice start, pal, but you’ve got some catching up to do). Though it’s hard to get excited about a member of the staff that you know is going to get swept out at the end of the season like some girl you’re just dating until something hotter comes along, at least there’s now hope that the Redskins will be able to pick off a few weaker opponents and finish stronger than 2-14 (Raiders, I think we’re all looking at you).

Second, the Redskins’ offensive line sucks. It gives it up faster than a French hooker on VE Day. There is just nothing to say here other than I fear for the health of Jason Campbell. Not little health fears, either: More like “I hope that bastard can walk by the end of this season” type fears. The offensive line opens no running lanes. They offer no protection. I get it: Randy Thomas and Chris Samuels are gone due to injury, and the team is scrambling for replacements. But at this point I can think of a few college offensive lines I’d rather have guarding the quarterback. Is it really so difficult to go out and find five massive cracker hayseeds that don’t blow their blocking assignments? Isn’t there an 84 Lumber in western Pennsylvania the team can scout? Because I’ve seen those GEICO commercials Jason’s starred in: If his football career ended tomorrow, his next job would involve plays like, “No mustard. Extra pickles. Hike.”


In the course of the game, Clinton Portis, Albert Haynesworth, Jason Campbell and Mike Sellers all sprained their ankles, Stephon Heyer strained a knee ligament and Cornelius Griffin sprained his elbow. What the hell is up with that? That reads like an episode summary of “The Golden Girls.” All we needed was Campbell and Portis vying for the love of a hotshot silver fox Miami doctor and Haynesworth talking about his childhood in St. Olaf and we’d have been all set. Feel better, guys, but who the hell is the strength and conditioning coach out there in Ashburn? Was his last assignment at a retirement home working with Izzy Mandelbaum?

The night’s most serious injury, though, was a broken ankle for Chris Cooley, aka “that one guy who doesn’t suck.” I love Chris. He’s funny on Elliot in the Morning, he once posted a picture of his hog online and he’s married to a cheerleader. A cheerleader named Christy Cooley. Do you know the sheer balls it takes to bang someone who more or less has your name? I’m pretty sure if a cheerleader named “Johnnie” fell in my lap, I’d go limp as an indoor windsock. Maybe it’s the intense self-loathing. Maybe it’s a fear that, the instant I went inside her, the entire universe would end, like matter had just collided with anti-matter. Either way, Chris was the one play-maker you could still look forward to on the field each Sunday. As far as I’m concerned, the Redskins just lost their one must-see guy.


Which isn’t to say I won’t watch the rest of the games this season. No, while wishing I were watching “House” last night, I figured out a game I could play with myself (ha, play with myself) to keep things bearable. I call it “Anti-House.” For those not familiar with the show “House,” each episode consists of a patient of the week coming in, Dr. House and his team administering treatments that initially improve the condition of the patient, only to realize they misdiagnosed the patient when the treatment nearly kills them a little later into the episode. Finally, Dr. House has his “aha” moment, figures out what is wrong, and everyone goes home happy and healthy. Well, to play “Anti-House,” just imagine Sherman Lewis as House, the play calling as his diagnoses, the Redskins as his patient and the Redskins’ opponent as the deadly disease. Every week, things start off bad, improve slightly, then take a turn for the worse. But there is no “aha” moment: Instead, every week, the correct diagnosis never gets made and the patient succumbs to the disease and dies. Hey, I didn’t say it was a happy game.

Tagged as: Albert Haynesworth, Christy Cooley, House MD, Jason Campbell, Jim Zorn, Oakland Raiders, Philadelphia Eagles, Redskins, Sherman Lewis