Why the Redskins Will Kill Me-Week 14

The slump-buster. For those of you unfamiliar with the expression, it refers to the practice of sleeping with a woman of “ample carriage” after you’ve gone a long time without lovin’ in order to get you out of your sexual slump and back on the right track. The logic is karma will reward you for performing such a good deed. I’ve slump-busted. I’ve slump-busted so often that, every time I turn a corner, I’m expecting Rihanna naked on all fours as karma’s way of paying off its now-massive debt. What does all of this have to do with the Redskins? Well, they busted their slump with 34 points all over the Raiders’ chubby, grateful face. And now they just might have a chance to win out.

Win out? Before you stop reading, convinced I’ve been driven mad by too many Redskins losses and flashbacks to too many “larger than life” evenings triggered by typing that last paragraph, hear me out. The Redskins’ play for at least the past month has been, by anyone’s standards, impressive. They have three games left: They host the New York Giants, then the Dallas Cowboys and finally travel west to play the San Diego Chargers at Qualcomm Stadium (on an unrelated note, the corporate naming of sports stadiums needs to stop before the Redskins are playing at Bang Bros Stadium by 2020).


Of the three, the strongest by far are the Chargers, but I’m gambling on them having clinched their division by then and resting their starters while multiple Redskins will be playing their hearts out to save their careers with a team that grossly overpays them. The Giants could also prove difficult, but I think it’s high time America admit that the Manning brothers both strongly resemble Corky from “Life Goes On” while Jason Campbell’s resemblance to Bubba Blue of Forrest Gump fame is minimal at best, proving he’s the strongest quarterback of the three (and that I’m not a racist because I didn’t fall for the old “all black people look alike” trap. Take that, NAACP). As for the Cowboys, well, it’s the Cowboys in December. ‘Nuff said.


The big question is if winning the remaining three games this season will be enough to save the jobs of Jim Zorn and Jason Campbell. I hate to admit it, but I’ve reached a point where I’m rooting for both to stay. I’ll be the first to confess I’m not exactly sure what Jim Zorn does anymore. I think he might be in charge of the team Gatorade and they let him throw the challenge flag because he’s a fan of bright colors. Whatever his job, though, he’s become a bizarre good luck charm, like Rudy or Radio. That doesn’t sound like resounding praise at first, but have you ever seen Rudy? It’s awesome. As for Jason, these past few games have shown the world that he is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, a very capable quarterback. I’m praying that he stays, but if Dan Snyder succeeds at being Dan Snyder and getting him booted from the team, I can’t wait for him to land on his feet with another team that doesn’t treat him like the starlet of a bukkake scene.

Child Despot Snyder is already showing signs that he’s looking to boot Jason Campbell at the least: A few weeks ago, he and Vinny Cerrato attended a University of Texas game to scout quarterback Colt McCoy. Snyder will never change, regardless of the words to the contrary that come out of his mouth. Picturing him watching McCoy conjures images of a kid toucher gazing longingly over the fence at a full playground. Sure, he doesn’t have a freezer stocked with sedative-laced ice cream cakes, but he’s got the metaphorical equivalent in scads of dirty cash.


It has been said that “tomorrow is promised to no man.” The Redskins may very well lose their final three games. Jim Zorn and Jason Campbell along with tons of other familiar faces are probably on their way out, which will trigger another round of…wait for it…rebuilding years. So take the time to savor Sunday’s win. Even if it was a bit of a…

Tagged as: Colt McCoy, Dallas Cowboys, Dan Snyder, Jason Campbell, Jim Zorn, New York Giants, NFL Football, San Diego Chargers, University of Texas Longhorns, Vinny Cerrato, Washinton Redskins