Papa's Basement

“[I think the Redskins have] a chance to win out…the big question is if winning the remaining three games this season will be enough to save the jobs of Jim Zorn and Jason Campbell…I’m rooting for both to stay.”
-Johnny “The Greek” Papageorgiou, “Why the Redskins Will Kill Me-Week 14″

Yes, the Redskins did indeed win their last three games, thus saving the jobs of Jim Zorn and Jason Campbel. Also, JFK’s brains are still in his skull and I spent last night treating Eva Mendes like a Slip ‘n Slide. Given my skill at calling football games I should probably stick to writing about subjects a little more in my wheelhouse, like fast food value menus and inaudibly farting in social situations (the trick is to spread your cheeks enough to allow the gas free passage but not so far as to create that “air escaping a pinched balloon” noise).

Regardless of how ineffective he turned out to be as a coach, I sympathize tremendously with Jim Zorn. The man never got much of a fair chance with the Redskins and managed to handle what was thrown his way routinely with exceptional grace. I mean, Zorn only had experience as a quarterbacks coach and was hired initially by the Redskins as an offensive coordinator, which represented a nice, logical progression for his career. Then, because no one else wanted the goddamn job, he was thrust into the role of head coach. It was like one of those horrible Disney movies where a girl finds out she’s actually a princess and whisked away from high school to rule her kingdom, except Jim was unable to figure out the intricacies of his new job in the span of 90 minutes. (Perhaps it’s because Julie Andrews wasn’t there to help him. I’m not sure.) At least Napoleon Snyder had the decency to get his new lapdog, Bruce Allen, to deliver the news swiftly to Zorn after the season had ended and not let him twist in the wind. I picture the dismissal going down something like this:


ALLEN: Have a seat, Jim.


ZORN: (sitting) Tell me about next season, Bruce!


ALLEN: (beginning to cry softly) Okay. If you turn around, I’ll tell you so vividly that you can almost see it. (Zorn excitedly turns in his seat) There’s going to be a new offensive line. And team players. No egos like Clinton Portis and Albert Haynesworth.


ZORN: (interrupting excitedly) And rabbits? I’ll get to pet the rabbits?


ALLEN: (draws handgun) Yes, and rabbits. (Allen fires a round through the back of a smiling Zorn’s skull, then breaks down sobbing)


(You can watch security camera footage of the firing here, I just figured I’d transcribe it for you and save you time.)


So Snyder has gone and hired himself Mike Shanahan. Pardon me. Bruce Allen, the general manager of the Washinton Redskins, has hired Mike Shanahan. It just happens to be a move that Snyder has had an erection for making for months now. But Bruce acts totally independently of Snyder’s will, so how dare I insinuate anything! How do I think it will all pan out? About as well as the last time that Dan Snyder hired a guy with multiple Super Bowl rings out of retirement. In case you forgot his identity, I’ll give you a hint: My mom purchased his Jesus-y book of wisdom for me at Christmas because my life is in a shambles and she couldn’t afford one of those camps they send the bad kids on Maury Povich to. Yes, the four years of Joe Gibbs 2.0 contained two trips to the postseason, but the team remained inconsistent and never accomplished anything exceptional.


Even I, cynical as I am about the intelligence of the average person, is taken aback by the degree to which so many people Washington, DC area have, once again, begun to sip the Redskins Kool-Aid. THIS IS WHAT THE REDSKINS DO! THEY WIN EACH AND EVERY OFFSEASON! Teams change general managers and head coaches all the damn time, yet the Redskins got some of the sexiest, costliest names for those positions, so of course they’ll win! For those of you not trapped inside the Beltway, do you want a summary of what it is to be a DC sports fan? The Washington area dominated the sports talk world this week because: 1. The Redskins did the ol’ postseason fire and hire before any other NFL team and 2. Washington Wizards star Gilbert Arenas brought guns into the locker room. Please note that neither of these stories in any way whatsoever deal with a team achieving a damn thing on the field of play.


So how about we just wait and see, oh excited fellow fanboys? Maybe Dan Snyder really has stopped directly meddling in the affairs of the team (though I’d sooner believe a pedophile fresh out of prison that moved next door to a KinderCare). Maybe Mike Shanahan and Bruce Allen really will, in the span of a year or two, build a potent, well thought out team with talent, depth and heart. Bobby Knight once said that, “The key is not the ‘will to win’ – everybody has that. It is the will to prepare to win that is important.” Perhaps the Redskins organization has finally displayed that will. In the meantime, given the Redskins finished last in the NFC East once again and I’ve had to write about it every damn depressing week, I’d like to quote another wise, sometimes misunderstood soul who summarizes my feelings as a fan of this organization perfectly:


“My pain is constant and sharp and I do not hope for a better world for anyone. In fact, I want my pain to be inflicted on others. I want no one to escape. But even after admitting this…there is no catharsis. I gain no deeper knowledge about myself, no new understanding can be extracted from my telling. This confession has meant nothing.”
-Patrick Bateman.


See you next season, folks.