If You Watch Spider-Man: Homecoming, You Are The Problem

This is it. This is the one reason to give Spider-Man: Homecoming your money. Zendaya, who plays Spider-Man’s love interest, looks great and Kirsten Dunst, who previously had the role, has a mouth and teeth like a damn sandworm from Dune. THE SPICE MUST FLOW!

Hollywood, circa 2017, is ruled by two axioms: People love to bitch that there are no new ideas in film and, if you air 125 minutes of footage of a cat sleeping, that footage will make $400 million if the cat is an Avenger.

On July 7th, an immovable object meets an unstoppable force: Spider-Man: Homecoming, the second “reboot” (a way to say “rehash” without insulting the consumer, like “husky” is code for “boy that can’t do pull-ups”) of the franchise since 2002, hits theaters. And if you go see it, you know what? I hope they make Taken 46 and force you Clockwork Orange-style to watch Liam Neeson’s skeleton rescue his octogenarian daughter from a nursing home.

The problem is, we all already know that Spider-Man: Homecoming is going to make enough money to have kept Chris Farley in cocaine for a month or Whole Foods for a week. Because, despite us consumers pretending to want something new, we live and breathe the familiar. The more familiar you can mash together, the better (exhibit A: Peeps-flavored Oreos). So, rather than try to swim upstream, I’ve come up with three film ideas that pander to our baser instincts.

Tyler Perry’s Madea A Terminator!! – The last few Terminator films haven’t exactly taken the box office by storm. Enter Tyler Perry, who could shit in a shoebox on webcam and make $100 million. The plot is simple: Madea is a Terminator. Every Terminator. The one with the metal skeleton, the one made out of liquid metal, you name it. The twist? This army of Terminators is assigned to protect Marlon (or Shawn: not sure and not Googling) Wayans reprising his role as Little Man…so he can grow up and film Little Man 2. Sequels within sequels, people. Now we’re spraying WD40 on the hibachi!

The Sopranos 1-86 – This is just every episode of The Sopranos, except you have to pay $15 per show to watch it in the theater.

Domino’s Pizza Presents: The Godfather – At first I thought an Italian(ish) food company sponsoring a remake of The Godfather and simply sneaking their products into every shot would be enough. Maybe Vito dies and the Corleone family comes together over unlimited soup, salad and breadsticks. But, after watching the GIF Donald Trump tweeted of him wrestling Vince McMahon with a CNN logo superimposed over his head (we are all going to die), it occurred to me: Why not make each character wear the food to be promoted over their face, like a mask? And then it occurred to me: No, make the food the face. And what food would be better for that job than pizza?

Think about it: You could hire a bunch of no-name actors at union minimums and then give them CGI pizza faces. The toppings could move to indicate expressions. Pepper eyebrows. Mushroom noses. Crust mouths. When pizza Moe Green gets shot through his pepperoni eye he could bleed sauce. And…and holy shit, I want to see this movie. Everything has backfired. If I burn the negative of Citizen Kane, will you give it to me?

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