The Ten Greatest Guy Movies, Part 1: Ten Through Six

The other day, while dorking around the studio with the gifted Danny Rouhier (pictured above showing you that we at the sports station take our fitness very seriously), a segment topic came up that captivated me: “The top five guy films of all time.” Several callers phoned in with titles like Rudy and American History X which, while fine films, I felt weren’t guy movies, at least not in the classical sense. To me, a guy movie is a flick that, for its duration, any woman who is watching it is bored to tears and totally unable to grasp how your brain even functions in order to derive pleasure from such fare. Picture being taken to Sex and the City but in reverse. So, using that criteria, I present to you the top ten guy movies (as well as the moment in each that they cause any woman pretending to enjoy them to walk out of the room shaking her head).

Conan (the awesome original, not that unforgivable abortion of a 3-D remake), is a movie so manly that my friends and I still play its theme song in the gym for performance enhancement. It’s also how I learned of the awesome female-repelling power of a true guy movie. As a kid, I watched Conan the Barbarian on TBS or USA with my dad roughly 5,000 times. And in the beginning, I was curious why we were watching it over and over. And over. And over. Then it dawned on me that, each time we did, my mom left us alone for the entire damn movie. If humans had more sensitive noses, I suppose he and I could have urinated all over the hallway leading to the living room to mark our territory and achieved similar results, but we don’t, so we didn’t. And, to be honest, I still think Conan would do the job better.

Moment girls leave-When Conan properly answers the question “What is best in life?”

I’m not sure if women hate Casino more because it’s a violent story about men kicking ass or because Sharon Stone plays the most treacherous slut to ever slut, but make no mistake, hate it they do. It’s their loss, too, because Casino, while unfairly viewed by some as Goodfellas‘ less-accomplished little brother, is a monster of a film, rife with three hours’ worth of amazing quotes. To this day, whenever one of my Jewish friends asks me to repeat or clarify something, I reply by telling them to “Get this through your head you Jew motherfucker, you.” I don’t have many Jewish friends anymore.

Moment girls leave-When Joe Pesci gets head in a car while explaining to the dancer fellating him that his restaurant’s veal is the best in Vegas.

300 is a flick that a lot of girls claim to like because, “Tee hee, it has eye candy!,” but I think they’re basing that opinion upon promotional posters and that commercial where Leonidas shouts, “This. Is. SPARTA!,” because I sure as Hell can’t imagine any of them actually sitting through it. 300 is a timeless orgy of ultraviolence, with a surprising number of bared tits thrown in for good measure. Plus I personally enjoy it because it gave people something to reference other than the Windex quote from My Big Fat Greek Wedding or Nick Papageorgio of Vegas Vacation every time they hear my last name and its 18 vowels.

Moment girls leave-When the Ephors molest the Oracle 30 seconds after the movie starts. That didn’t take long, did it?

The Fly is a grim, brilliant film, which utilizes Jeff Goldblum’s disgusting metamorphosis into a human fly as a metaphor for disease, aging, and pretty much every other shitty thing that happens to us in the course of our wretched lives. Men love it because of the gripping story, Jeff Goldblum’s amazing performance and how nice it is to remind ourselves that, once upon a time, you would have loved to stick your cock inside Geena Davis. Women hate it because finding a wrinkle is enough to drive them to the brink of suicide, so 90 minutes dedicated to progressive human disfigurement is probably not gonna stir their pot.

Moment girls leave-One hyphenated word: Vomit-drop

If you ever thought I’d get tired of writing about Scarface, well, here’s your answer. Not only is it a flat-out all-time-great, but it’s way up there in the pantheon of guy movies, too. Explaining why Scarface is amazing is as futile as trying to tell someone why pizza is delicious: It just is. As for why women hate it, I’m not sure. Maybe because Tony Montana was out there getting it done every day instead of spending his time out on fancy vacations with his wife, Elvira? Sorry that the film focused a little more upon Tony’s Colt AR-15 with a mounted M203 grenade launcher and a little less upon Elvira’s countless walk-in closets and all the latest fashions that they must have been stuffed with, ladies. Maybe they’ll work that in as a Blu-ray extra.

Moment girls leave- When Tony tells Elvira off right after cheering on his favorite bird.

Stay tuned for Part Two, coming tomorrow.

Tagged as: 300,  Arnold Schwarzenegger,  Casino,  Conan the Barbarian,  Robert De Niro,  Scarface,  The Fly,  Tony Montana.