Charlize Theron looks so sexily disheveled in Young Adult. You can practically smell the melange of liquor and last night's seed on her breath. Rawr.

There was a marked lack of strife in the Papageorgiou household during Christmas this year, which is odd, because we are a bunch of excitable Greek savages who scream for sport and, during the holidays, even icy-hearted WASPs manage to lock their flaxen horns whilst sipping their scotch or whatever it is that actual white people do. The day’s highlight was a viewing of Young Adult, which won out as the family choice of films choice because what the Hell else were we going to watch? We Bought a Zoo? That feel-good pablum is PG, which meant that ScarJo’s areolas were going to stay in their cage. You can’t fool me that easily, Cameron Crowe.

You can tell Young Adult's a classy movie because they never once let the dog shit in Charlize's bag for laughs.

Young Adult stars Charlize Theron as Mavis Gary, a writer of young-adult fiction who decides to leave her Minneapolis home and return to the small town where she lived out her popular teenage years in order to win back her now-happily married high school sweetheart. If that premise sounds like a clusterfuck waiting to happen, that’s because it is. As Mavis’ efforts grow increasingly desperate, she begins to forge a fascinating relationship with Matt Freehauf (Patton Oswalt), a former classmate and underachieving nerd who has also failed to escape the spectre of high school, albeit for different reasons.

I fell utterly in love with Charlize’s character, the flawless blonde prom queen who’s grown up to reveal both artistic talent and a few screws loose. What guy wouldn’t want Zelda Fitzgerald’s mind inside Cindy Crawford’s body? It’d be a roller coaster of great sex, uncontrollable sobbing and waking up with a gun to your head like Henry Hill. Sign this man up. Up until now, I’d really only seen Charlize in The Devil’s Advocate and, while I thought she did a great job, I attributed most of that to acting opposite Keanu Reeves, who could make Stephen Hawking seem emotive by comparison. Charlize has made a fan of me, and I intend to watch her in every movie in which she’s pretty (so fuck off, Monster.)

I hate that I'm resorting to sex to sell a good movie, but, ladies, this shirt doesn't stay on forever.

The rest of Young Adult works because Patton Oswalt is as fantastically at-home in the role of an alcoholic geek as you’d expect him to be and, Christ help me for saying this, but Diablo Cody’s script is very well done. Yes, Patton’s character is obviously just Miss Cody with a penis, much like Juno was Diablo inside the body of a 10-year-old boy, but, as any great lover knows, you keep doing your best move over and over until your partner vomits at the mere thought of your naked body. And, Diablo, I haven’t felt the need to fake one and roll over quite yet.

For those of you that have New Year’s Eve plans, well, la-di-da, aren’t you just massa of Cool Kid Plantation? For the rest of us, feel no shame in eating half of a pizza alone then going out to watch Young Adult. Or feel shame, then drink afterward until you don’t. As Ted Bundy once said, “Whatever gets your rocks off.”

A Britcom that revels in shaming and embarrassing its protagonists? Why, I never!

Look, all you need to know to enjoy British television is that: 1. They call it a “series”, not a “season” and 2. There’s only one commercial break and it comes in the middle of the show. All caught up? Good. Now let’s talk about what makes Peep Show so damn excellent.

I'm telling you guys, relax. British humor isn't all references to centuries-dead prime ministers.

PS tells the tale of two hopeless beta males, Mark Corrigan (David Mitchell) and Jeremy “Jez” Usbourne (Robert Webb), as roommates who toil through their unsatisfying day-to-day lives as a desk drone and unemployed musician, respectfully. In the annals of television friendships between two men, this is perhaps the most believable. Mark and Jez desperately resent each others’ scant successes (especially those of a romantic nature), delight in each others’ misery and have no compunction about screwing one another over for even the slightest benefit. Yet, in spite of that, the duo honestly care for each other, and, as every other one of their relationships inevitably fails, you realize they are meant to be (in a hetero life-partner sort of way).

The show's writing is rife with brilliance like this.

What makes Peep Show tick beyond the almost-stifling plausibility of its characters and the situations they inhabit is the sharpness of the writing. You will be laughing within moments of watching the first moments of the first episode. Because not only are the writers absurdly talented, but they take the time to develop each character and allow them to be funny in way specific to them.

Have you watched a prime time American sitcom recently? It’s okay to admit it, I’m not going to judge you (yes I will). Each character takes turns firing off one-lines with the speed and delivery of a comedian. That’s not how real people function. What’s worse, it destroys any individuality a character might have. If everyone is talking in the same manner and speaking the same words, why would I be excited by or identify with any one of them? Peep Show lets its denizens be funny in a way unique to each of them, and the show is richer for it.

Sure, dressing a character up as a Nazi is intrinsically funny, but the marvel is that Peep Show gets you there organically.

Last month, I wrote this piece about ten movies to watch via Netflix during Thanksgiving. Well, I nominate Peep Show for the task of amusing you during Christmas. Give it a try. I’m sure you’ll love it. And, if you don’t, write me a letter saying why. Don’t worry, crayon is acceptable. You dolt.

Dennis is caught retrieving fetish gear from a secret compartment in his vehicle. Hey, it shouldn't be a crime to know how to properly make love.

Last week, the Always Sunny gang did a great job with the first half of Season 7′s finale, “The High School Reunion.” (Click that link to watch the episode online via Amazon, and click here for my review of it.) The episode, like all scripted works using a high school reunion as a plot device, centered upon our protagonists living as marginalized outsiders through those years and planning to return to the scene of their ostracization to prove how far they’ve come. And, as is wont to happen, said plans failed, leaving them awash in the all-too-familar scent of social bankruptcy.

It’s Act III that defines these stories. Do our heroes go home humbled, eventually making peace with their high school years? Do they perform some grand feat at the reunion that wins them the widespread acclaim they so badly craved? Do they manage to drag those who tormented them down with them? In the case of the Always Sunny gang, I suppose the episode’s title gives it away: The goal is revenge. Which is a good thing, because It’s Always Sunny shines when it comes to vengeance. And no star shined brighter in the Constellation of Retribution that was “The Gang’s Revenge” than Dennis Reynolds.

The Golden God in all his majesty.

Dennis Reynolds’s metamorphosis this season has been the impetus behind my continued viewing. Chinks have riddled the once-impenetrable armor of his mastery of seduction (haha, chinks). He has gone from ladies’ man to sociopath, the transformation perfectly illustrated by a conversation Dennis had in “The Gang’s Revenge” with the wife of a former friend…whom he was attempting to sleep with out of spite.

Listen, listen, listen…I want to be inside you. I want to do shit to you that is going to make you realize what a boring, worthless piece of shit your husband really is.

After the woman question’s Dennis’ heterosexuality for both using makeup and wearing a girdle, he defends himself in a tirade that plums the depths of darkness by Always Sunny‘s standards:

I was speeding through the steps! I have a system! I was demonstrating value on the dance floor and then I engaged you physically when I put my hands on your hips. Now, I’m nurturing your dependence by letting you talk shit about your boring, worthless, piece-of-shit husband. Then I was going to take you to an empty broom closet and I was gonna bang the shit outta you. And then I was going to neglect you emotionally. That’s what I do, Christy! And it was working! I was manipulating your feeble little brain into doing what I want – what I want – and then now it’s what you want!

Dennis achieves the twofer of striking out and being called gay.

I realize that material so dark and aggressive isn’t everyone’s cup of tea (just ask this twat), but I ate it up. It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia once consistently wowed me with content that was both grim and hilarious. Those days are now few and far between. Yet, much like an enthusiastic blowjob from a woman you’ve been with for years, I’ve learned to be thankful for the times it does happen. Season 7 contained enough enthusiastic blowjobs for me to look forward to Season 8. And, for that, I am grateful.

Does The W look exactly like this in real life? Of course not. Don't be a mouth-breather. But it isn't horribly far off, either. And that's gotta count for something.

My tastes are as fancy as this guy's.

I say all of that so you are aware that my reviews don’t come from a lofty perch of salad-munching condescension. You know that guy who gets his order and pulls into the first available parking lot space to tuck in because making the five minute drive home with a bag full of food is laughably inconceivable to him? Hi.

(Oh, and for the purposes of my writing, “fast food” means a drive-thru is present. Five Guys might as well be Ruth’s Chris.)

If it doesn't have a drive-thru, I feel like it's fancy enough for this guy to be working there.

So, with all the caveats and foreplay out of the way, what did I think of Wendy’s The W? In a word, amazing. Take all the superlatives I heaped upon McDonald’s Daily Double in last week’s review and then factor in that Wendy’s doesn’t serve meat out of Demoltion Man. The two beef patties and their cheesy crowns are more than adequate, and the veggies on top of them are fresh and piled high enough to contribute much to the burger’s flavor. Where The W truly shines, however, is its butter toasted bun and a secret sauce that tastes like Thousand Island dressing somehow made fattier. If Wendy’s bottled the stuff and sold it as an edible sexual lubricant, I’m sure these two would clear the shelves.

I award The W three-and-a-half out of four clogged arteries. The burger is $2.99-a dollar more than the Daily Double-but I won’t allow my black belt in cheapness to turn me off to what is clearly a superior product. I’ve consumed one of these beasts a day for half a week now and have no plans of slowing down. Until I pull a Mama Cass in the parking lot, which, given the fat content of that secret sauce, should happen by Friday.

In memory of that blessed, big woman. I first heard this song as I pulled into the parking lot of an STD clinic. Even though I’d just stuck it raw into a real sewer pipe, this song convinced me that my death-defying dick would test negative. Sure enough, it did, and now I’ve shared one of the more embarrassing chapters of my life as a throwaway comment that 99% of you won’t even read. Score.

Drinking? On Always Sunny? Why I never...Oh yeah, you can click this picture to watch the episode online for a nominal fee that may or may not wind up in my pocket to keep me in the finest top hats and monocles.

It’s been a while since I wrote about It’s Always Sunny, due to my belief that this season has been in the doldrums since the brilliant “Frank’s Brother” (an episode that I’m aware many of you hated, which shows that my tastes are simply that much more refined than that of the plebs). However, last night’s episode, “The High School Reunion,” might indicate that the season is going to end on a high note. Is it the best episode of Always Sunny yet? Hell no. I just wrote that because it made for a compelling title. But I did like the “THSR,” and here’s why.

I don't want to spoil anything, but...Charlie does some mighty impressive huffing in The High School Reunion.

I know everyone loves Dayman but...gimmicky, man. Gimmicky.

Still more time to kill at work after reading this? Feel free to read the story of my own high school reunion. Part one can be found here and part two is located here.

In real life, Billy Bob Thornton is a squirrel-munching hick asshole, but that face in Bad Santa gets me every time.

It wasn’t love at first sight for me and Bad Santa. In spite of my filthy mouth, I despise works of art that attempt to skate by on shock value alone, which is all I thought the film offered. It wasn’t until years after its release that I finally caught the movie on HBO one December evening. Immediately I was converted.

Bad Santa even has T&A! Sure, Billy Bob is in the scene, but, after Monster's Ball, I've learned to work around that.

In the spirit of the season, click here to order Bad Santa via Amazon. Because if you think Jesus wasn’t born so that I could make me money via your clicking on that affiliate link, maybe you need to re-read your Bible, friend.

The other day a co-worker and I were discussing the show American Dad! and how we felt like we were the only two people on the face of the Earth that enjoyed it. As if on cue, a second co-worker who had been listening in on our conversation blurted out “Do you smoke pot? Because if you don’t, you have no excuse for watching that piece of shit,” then walked out. It’s one thing to say you don’t like a show, but I was shocked that AD elicited such a response. It made me wonder why there seems to be no love for Stan and the rest of Clan Smith.


For those of you unfamiliar with the show, American Dad! centers around the aforementioned CIA agent Stan Smith and the rest of his brood, which is the usual Seth MacFarlane mix of a nuclear family and various creatures somehow gifted with the power of speech. (In this case, a talking fish. Seriously, what is up with anthropomorphised critters in every single one of Seth’s shows? He seems like a really intelligent and down-to-earth guy, but if they ever find a bunch of Cub Scouts hanging in a meat locker in his basement, I’ll be the first one saying “I knew it! The talking animals were a dead giveaway.”) It has the same sense of humor as his most successful creation, Family Guy, though it’s devoid of that show’s rampant non sequiturs, which I actually find preferable. So why doesn’t it garner nowhere near the same level of adoration?


Honestly, I don’t have an answer. Maybe it’s because the show possesses jokes highly similar to those found on Family Guy, but Futurama reeks of its Simpsons roots, and people still go batshit for it even though it feels about as fresh as Shatner circa Star Trek V. Perhaps people relate more to the Griffins than the Smiths, but if being able to closely identify with what you’re watching is what leads to ratings gold, Jersey Shore just got a whole lot scarier. At least I can answer why people hate Cleveland. It’s because he’s on at 9:30. What, were you expecting me to say something else?