I love me some Pulp Fiction, but God help me if Quentin Tarantino isn't one of the butt fugliest people on the face of the planet.

Recently, an email from a girl who fooled around with Quentin Tarantino surfaced, documenting what a lady is in store for if she agrees to accompany the director from dusk till dawn. (Or dusk until ten minutes after dusk. According to the email, it would seem the majority of Quentin’s stamina is expended in the editing room.) Does it confirm he’s into feet? Yes, of course it does. It’s the degree to which he’s into feet that astounds, though. He has a girl semi-undressed in his bed, and his go-to move, literally the first line out of his mouth, is “Can I suck on your toes while I jerk off?” This wasn’t a consolation, “Bitch-shot-me-down-but-Daddy-needs-his-nut” move. This was his Operation Overlord, his alpha maneuver.

Why does the fact that Quentin Tarantino (or anyone else) is into feet bother me on such a visceral level? Really, I couldn’t tell you. I’m guilty of having my own fetishes, namely that every woman should have black hair, brown eyes, 36-24-36 measurements, be 5’7″ and wear glasses. (If you want variety, I hear you, brother, which is why I’ll permit two skin tones in my army of slutty librarian fembots: Milky white and olive.) Maybe it’s that feet seem so inherently dirty. Yes, the human mouth is filled with more disease than a Komodo dragon’s, and, if your sexual trick-or-treating involves knocking at the back door, I don’t have to explain to you what comes out of there (psst, it looks like Robocop’s food). Additionally, I’ve never seen a foot that I found attractive. Oh, I’ve seen plenty that are gross (we can start with Uma Thurman’s aforementioned seal flipper of an appendage), but none that inspired a modicum of lust in me.

Who knows? Maybe I just haven’t met the right foot. All I can say for now is I find them disgusting, and, to the ladies who think it’s cute to touch their man (especially in his hogular region) with their feet while lying in bed together, it isn’t. It’s happened to me on more than one occasion, and each time it’s awakened in me martial arts skills I wasn’t aware I possessed, like Jason Bourne. You’re taking your lives in your hands, girls.