Why the Redskins Will Kill Me-Week 13

admin — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 16:11:48 +0000

For those of you unfamiliar with Oedipus Rex, it is a Greek tragedy (much like my life, hiyo!) telling the tale of Oedipus, who, through the cruel machinations of fate, is led to slay his father and marry his mother. So great is Oedipus’ horror at what he’s done that he puts out his own eyes, blinding himself. After watching Sunday’s Redskins game, I’m beginning to think that Oedipus was onto something, though I’m pretty sure I’d prefer lopping off my dad’s head and going balls deep in mommy to ever witnessing anything like that heartbreaker again.

Papa's Basement is all about sexy. Thus, you get a virile, young Stalin!

Where to begin…where to begin. Has a team ever looked so snakebitten and jinxed as the Redskins did on Sunday? I mean, I enjoy making fun of Dan Snyder as much as the next guy, but was he John Wilkes Booth in a past life? Maybe Stalin? How else do you explain the following plays: After an impressive Redskins defensive stand, a ridiculously short New Orleans punt smacks Kevin Barnes in the head, rendering it a live ball which New Orleans then recovers. Or Kareem Moore picking off a Drew Brees pass for a backbreaking turnover…only to then lose the ball to the Saints’ Robert Meachem, who took the ball in for a touchdown. Or Shaun Suisham blowing a clutch kick…well, that part is easy enough to explain. But those other two plays were incredibly stupefying.

A lot of people ask how I can still care about the Redskins at this point in the season, how I can still get worked up when they – gasp – lose a game. The answer (other than I really need to get laid more) is I feel the team has turned a corner. Jason Campbell has finally broken through to that next level as a quarterback, the offensive line has finally come together and Clinton Portis’ worthless ass is sitting on the sideline as multiple new guys run the ball better than he ever did this season. Yes, they’re still losing, but at least two of the last three losses have been due to shockingly bad luck more than any play failure. Not only that, but they’ve been losses to rather strong teams. A loss is still a loss, but I can’t help feeling the Redskins are on some sort of right track at the moment.

From Smoot's website. Though the kid's mouth makes it look like a shot from a Dutch porn.

Given all of this recent “success,” I’m not sure where I stand in regards with what to do next year. I think a lot of players will be departing in the off-season. (Fred Smoot, whose tired ass I pray will be one of those departures, can get back to selling his SMACK Energy Bars, which he promotes on his website with the tag line “Smack is back!” Classy.) With a lot of the player personnel being scrubbed out, why not also through in some more effective coaching? I still think Jim Zorn is a great guy and has a future somewhere in this league, but I’m not sure he’s the best guy for the job at the end of the day.

On the other hand, if most of the players remain, just spend our draft picks on nothing outside of more lineman and a stronger secondary and keep the staff around. My only fear is that the recent moment as of late has me buying into Zorn and a system that, at the start of next year, will tank yet again. If I had to vote one way, I’d say stay with Zorn and just fix the line and secondary via draft. Sean Payton, Tom Coughlin and Walter Matthau in The Bad News Bears all took a while to learn their craft before becoming winners. Maybe the whole Sherman Smith experiment was more successful than any of us thought it would be.

I learned from the best.

Confused as I am about what the Redskins should do with their future, I’ll tell you one thing I’m not confused about: I now want the New Orleans Saints to fail spectacularly in the postseason. I never did get the whole, “Well, they beat us, we might as well root for them now” mentality. Call me a hater, but I want to see Drew Brees get Joe Theismann’d. I want Reggie Bush to catch a scorching case of herpes from Kim Kardashian (I love that broad, but after seeing what she’s slept with, I’m afraid I’d be something of a hot dog down a hallway, so f her vaginal health). I want Sean Peyton’s son, while watching from the sidelines of the inevitable Saints-Vikings playoff game, to see Brett Favre’s chiseled features underneath that purple helmet and be driven to confused, conflicting thoughts about his sexuality by them (why should I be the only one). What I’m trying to say is yesterday’s game hurt.

Now it’s on to the Raiders. If the Redskins lose this one, I think Zorn’s firing is a lock at the end of the season. Given I’m voting for Zorny at moment, he needs to win. Also, there needs to be one more victory this year so I don’t feel all Cleveland Brownsy about things. Sadly, I can see the final seconds of the game play out in my head already: The Redskins are up by two with 10 seconds left, the Raiders pinned at their own 1-yard line. Just for the hell of it, the Raiders decide to call out Sebastian Janikowski to attempt the 117 yard kick. He puts it up, and an eagle swoops out of the air, mistaking the ball for a delicious turkey, sinking its talons in. It flies through the uprights clutching its lunch in hand and the NFL decides that the kick still counts in what becomes known as the infamous “eagle is legal” play. Kill me now.

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Why the Redskins Will Kill Me-Week 13