Papa's Basement » Jack Woltz http://www.inpapasbasement.com The humor of humble comedy genius John Papageorgiou. Tue, 07 Feb 2012 14:48:08 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 http://www.inpapasbasement.com/feed/podcast Ever want to get into the possibly-troubling mind of that guy who's in his late 20s and still lives at home without, you know, actually getting remotely near him? Well, now you can! Here's his podcast. And keep the Rupert Pupkin jokes to a minimum. Papa's Basement yes Papa's Basement chocolovebox@gmail.com chocolovebox@gmail.com (Papa's Basement) Where Dreams Go to Die NFL, Comedy, Football, Papageorgiou, Papa's, Basement, John, Shock, Talk, Stern, Humor Papa's Basement » Jack Woltz http://www.inpapasbasement.com/wp-content/uploads/powerpress/144-721.jpg http://www.inpapasbasement.com Washington, DC Weekly Why the Redskins Will Kill Me-Week 11 http://www.inpapasbasement.com/why-the-redskins-will-kill-me-week-11/ http://www.inpapasbasement.com/why-the-redskins-will-kill-me-week-11/#comments Tue, 24 Nov 2009 19:05:20 +0000 admin http://www.inpapasbasement.com/?p=1004

Godfather_horse_head_Jack_Woltz_Khartoum
In one of the great scenes in movie history, Jack Woltz awakens in his bed covered in blood, the severed head of his prized stallion Khartoum lying at his feet. The beauty of the scene is how the discovery of the head is teased: First, Woltz gently begins to stir as he registers a new, warm fluid under the sheets (as an aside, I would have awoken bolt upright the second I felt anything like that on my leg, but hey, maybe old Jacky was a bedwetter). He then rolls over, checks his hand, dumbfounded for a few seconds by the blood coating it before yanking down the sheets to make sure it’s not his own. The sheets don’t immediately fly off, either: There is a good second or two of frantic pulling to find the source of the blood. Oh, but when we do, what a payoff! For there lies the severed head of Woltz’s million dollar stud stallion. That’s what you get for screwing with Don Vito Corleone, Jack!

What does any of this have to do with the Redskin’s heartbreaking loss on Sunday to the hated Cowboys? I’m getting to that. First, I’m going to need the home address of Shaun Suisham. Oh, and if any of my readers have a spare horse, that’d be great, too.

My brand. (Relax, voice in John's head: It's your website. No one can prove you're a liar.)

My brand. (Relax, voice in John's head: It's your website. No one can prove you're a liar.)


Is there anything as damming in football as the missed field goal? I can think of no other botch that angers the fates quite like it. In the pantheon of fucking up, “missed field goal” ranks right up there with “didn’t use a condom.” Either way, you spend the rest of the clock waiting for the other shoe to fall, be it a call saying she’s four weeks late or the inevitable loss by one or two points. And, after the gut punch I felt watching Tony Romo score the go-ahead touchdown at the end of the fourth quarter, I’m pretty sure I would have preferred getting an “It’s yo baby” call from Mo’Nique (do yourself a favor and wait for that link to load. It’s worth it) to ever feeling that way again.


Can I really lay all the blame for the emotional rape I felt at the feet of Redskins kicker Shaun Suisham, who managed to blow not one but two field goals on the day? No. I should have known better than to believe in, well, anything, but especially the Redskins managing to pull out a gutty win on the road against an NFC East opponent. But am I so wrong for wanting to believe a miracle could happen? Hell no. Sometimes, someone manages to buck all the odds and achieve the impossible. Like Rudy. Or me that time I slept with a moderately attractive woman.


Yeah, the Redskins have taken some hits.

Yeah, the Redskins have taken some hits.


So where are the Redskins left in light of this loss? Well, I think we can safely rule out the 19-0 record at this point. Which isn’t to say things have become unwatchable: The season has grown mildly more interesting simply because of the disgusting amount of injuries the team has suffered, which has forced them to field countless backups and third-stringers, aka guys who are hungry as wolves to see some play time. It’s like the Redskins have secretly signed a deal for to make a sequel to that awful Marky Mark movie Invincible and are trying out a lot of guys as potential leads. Hell, I’m starting to think that if I went to a game and sat in the front row in full pads there’s a chance I could get a shot.


Yep, like the battered wife I am, I’ll keep watching the Redskins. I’m sure I’ll even find ways to trick myself into believing they’ll win another game here and there this season. Because that’s what I do. I hope against hope. I fall in love with the biggest loser I can find that’s as bad for me as humanly possible and I invest every last one of my emotional dollars in them. Am I even referring to football at this point? I don’t know. You got me twisted, Redskins. You got me twisted.
'Don't give up on us John. We'd never stop loving <i>you</i>.'

'Don't give up on us John. We'd never stop loving you.'

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