Papa's Basement » Dallas Cowboys

Five Thoughts From the Washington Redskins’ Game Ten-Cowboys 27-Redskins 24

admin — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 18:03:33 +0000

That guy with the Asian eyes from 500 Days of Summer is right: It feels nice to love something.

1. It Felt Good to Care About a Redskins Game Again

The Redskins have not played a team competitively since the Eagles five weeks ago. And, in that time, I’ve undergone the yearly metamorphosis that eventually occurs during every Redskins season. You know, the one where a fan whose heart can’t take it anymore goes from thinking “Please, God, I will do anything short of something I didn’t want to do to begin with if you let them win this week” to “Fuck it, the season’s over, let’s notch another loss and land some better draft picks.”

That being said, and even though Skins’ playoff hopes have died as quickly and quietly as a SIDS baby, I still refuse to accept losing meekly to the Dallas Cowboys. As logical as I tried to be about things, as much as I attempted to rationalize that a L was ultimately what the Redskins needed, I watched that game with every fiber of my being wanting to take Dallas’ season down in flames. While the game’s outcome was indeed a heartbreaking loss, I was grateful to have felt anything watching the Redskins again.

Holding your hands in that position is sign language for 'fumble waiting to happen.'

2. Fred Davis Has Awful Hands

As a Redskins fan, one of the few bright spots this season has been the emergence of Fred Davis at tight end in the absence of Chris Cooley. At least it’s been a bright spot for most Redskins fans. I remain unconvinced about the guy. Yeah, he makes some great plays, but he also drops easy catches and has been responsible for some groan-inducing turnovers. His hands remind me of seal flippers: Massive, but slippery and possessing shitty grip strength. Maybe he should try balancing the ball on his nose.

The only Dallas football player I've ever liked.

3. I Think This Year’s Dallas Team is Going to Make Me Happy

And by that, I mean they look good enough to get to the playoffs but weak enough to lose in an embarrassing manner that sends the torch-wielding mobs out for Tony Romo’s head once again. I have nothing against Dallas fans as human beings. Hell, some of my best friends are Dallas fans. (I’m sounding like a racist trying to convince people I’m not racist.) But the Dallas Cowboys are my mortal sports enemy, and, without a team of my own that’s done a goddamn thing in 20 years, I’m left to delight in their failures. Hey, as far as life’s consolation prizes go, I’ve had worse. (Insert photo of every woman I’ve ever slept with here.)

Ever seen Scanners? Exactly.

4. Mike Shanahan Might Be Batshit Crazy

Besides an ill-advised attempt at icing the kicker which robbed Tony Romo of a shot at costing his team the game as usual, Mike Shanahan’s inability to admit that this year is a rebuilding effort by the Redskins and insist on (even if sporadically) playing aging veterans who won’t be on the roster next year has left me wondering where the guy’s mind is. (That and those crazy eyes of his which say “I’ve bitten off at more than one nose in a bar fight.”) I believe Shanahan deserves two more full seasons at the helm, but that’s less due to anything he’s shown me on the field and more because I’m sick of the Redskins treating coaches like diapers to be defecated upon then discarded on a biannual basis.

As with all of my more esoteric photos, it'll make sense in a minute.

5. This Loss Was Good For the Redskins

The consequence of caring about a football game is that it hurts when your team ultimately fails to win it. In the end, though, the Redskins needed to lose to the Cowboys for the long-term success of the organization. Victory might have been enough push them out of range of a truly great quarterback in next year’s draft and, though they’re lacking in several positions, quarterback is obviously the most glaring need of all.

Think of Sunday’s game using this analogy: You’re in prison, doing three years for a crime you didn’t commit and wondering how things can get worse when the answer comes in the form of “violent anal rape.” As the prison doctor is stitching your rectum back together into some semblance of its former perky self, he notices you have a polyp, which turns out to be cancerous. Because it was detected early, however, it was completely treatable and, eventually, you go on to live a long, happy, healthy life. Do you wonder why Fate decided to use your rectum snapping like the timing belt on an ’87 Taurus as the implement of your salvation? Every day. But are you ultimately thankful to be alive? Yeah. Probably. I think? Honestly, I’ve had better analogies.

Five Thoughts From the Redskins’ Week Three-(Cowboys 18-Redskins 16)

admin — Wed, 28 Sep 2011 17:30:56 +0000

This and Pantera are the only worthwhile things Texas ever produced.

5.Losing to the Cowboys Sucks as Much as Ever
Thank God I work at a DC-area sports radio station where everyone is right thinking and thus venerates the burgundy and gold and despises that dopey blue star, because I remember being in an office environment where, I kid you not, 20% of the football fans in the place were loyal to Dallas. And after every win versus the Redskins, you wouldn’t hear the end of it. It was disgusting. While I no longer have to work alongside “people” like that, simply knowing that they are out there is enough to drive me crazy. Because, like any healthy male, I derive the entirety of my self-worth from the success of the professional sports teams in my area. Knowing that they are being mocked is a dagger through my heart.

Always a bad sign when this photo is one of the top Google results for your team's kicker.

4. Weak Special Teams Will Cost You Games
By my count, the Redskins have botched one field goal per game so far this season. (“By my count” is code for “I’m pretty sure, but I want to wrap this up and go play video games, so I’m not going to waste my time verifying.”) Each time it happened, I’ve loudly proclaimed to everyone watching the game with me, “They are going to lose by three or fewer points” (I’m just glass-is-half-full like that). Well, I was finally right. By my count, 16 plus three is 19. That’s one more point than Dallas had at the end of the game which, according to the rules of American football as per my understanding, would have made the Redskins the winner. Did plenty of other things go wrong for the Redskins? Yes. But it’s always nice to have one play to single out and depressingly brood over for the week.

Chris Cooley and his wife Christy, aka the whitest woman in America.

3. It Was Nice to See Chris Cooley Do Stuff

After two games in which Chris Cooley was “successfully used as a decoy” (a nice way of saying he did jack while Fred Davis kicked ass), it was a pleasant surprise to see him finally make some catches and, you know, accomplish things. Hopefully, we’ll see more of Chris as the season continues, if for no other reason than it’s nice to see white people be successfully athletic outside of the confines of a TV show or movie.

Don't act like you aren't hypnotized by those baby blues, ladies.

2. From the Amount of Time They Showed Rob Ryan on Screen, You’d Have Thought He Coached Dallas

ESPN, I get it. Jason Garrett and his soulless ginger head are hard to stare at and Rob Ryan, with that long, flowing mane and goatee that make him look equal parts washed-up-former-90s-R&B-star and pirate captain, is the funniest thing to put on screen since that video of the monkey peeing in its own mouth. But give a head coach his due, guys.

Insert long, low fart sound effect for comedic value here.

1. The Redskins’ Offensive Line Will Cost Them Even More Games

Through three games, two things have become clear: The Redskins’ run game is mediocre and Rex Grossman is getting hurried a lot. Both of issues stem from the same cause: Daniel Snyder is an evil man and the team will be cursed under his ownership forever. Well, that and the offensive line is soft. Given he was the fourth pick in the 2010 draft, I want to see Trent Williams punching through peoples’ torsos ala The Terminator, not get beaten so badly that I start to imagine him saying the following in a Mort Goldman voice: “Oh no! My bumbling has permitted another sack upon the quarterback! I hope he doesn’t sue me for the injuries inflicted upon him!” (You know, because Jews are stereotypically litigious? Always a good sign when you have to explain a joke.)

Why the Redskins Will Kill Me-Week 15

admin — Tue, 22 Dec 2009 22:01:24 +0000

Folks, I’m not going to lie to you: At first, I was going to write this article without having watched the Redskins game. Last night, rather than sit through four hours of burgundy and gold torture porn (go ahead and click, it’s a very safe link. Scout’s honor), I treated myself to a little Avatar action. There isn’t much I’m sure of in this world, but if you do not enjoy this film, I can say with 100% certainty you’d be much happier watching Paul Blart: Mall Cop while sipping lead paint straight from the bucket through a crazy straw and, at that film’s conclusion, should promptly pull a David Carradine before your seed is allowed to spread any farther. Avatar‘s an amazing movie, so much so that you’ll mostly forgot the seat you’re in is probably soaked with geeky fanboy Hobbit spooge. Mostly.

Endear yourself to coworkers by reheating this at lunch.

Sadly, I would be remiss if I didn’t watch at least some of the game before reviewing it, so I fired up the DVR this morning and steeled myself for what I knew was a lopsided Redskins’ loss courtesy of the enraged texts I received every five minutes at the theater. (On a related note, is it just me, or are sports like salmon in that they’re great when hot and fresh, but reheated, they smell like raw ass?) May I just say that, if you ever were in a good mood and wanted it to end amazingly quickly, watch your favorite team get spanked in fast-forward. I thought that I’d be saving myself some pain by getting things over with as quickly as possible, like pulling off a Band-Aid, but it has the opposite effect: There was just too much evil stuffed into too short a time for my body to handle. I was forced to shovel brown rice and whole wheat pancakes into my mouth for the entire 15 minutes of fast-forwarded agony in some sort of half-assed attempt at healthy carbaholic gluttony to make the pain go away. It didn’t work.

What? I do...

The rallying cry for the past month or so of this Redskins team, which has managed to play some very impressive football in spite of no playoff hopes, has been “Well, we haven’t given up yet.” (Very inspiring, by the way. In a similar, shoot-for-the-stars vein, whenever people criticize me, I’m going to start saying, “Well, I’m not a pedophile.” Way to sock it to ‘em, champ!) After viewing last night’s effort, can we all agree they finally gave up? The offensive line allowed more penetration than (insert porn starlet name here. I think this week I’ll go with Nikki Rhodes), which in turn lead to one of Jason Campbell’s worst efforts. I’m also convinced that DeAngelo Hall and Albert Haynesworth are both overpaid, underperforming albatrosses around the neck of the defense, because with both of them back in the lineup for the first time in weeks, the team was lit up for 45 points. Way to earn your dollars, boys. There was one good thing that came out of last night’s game, though: I finally figured out that Jim Zorn is cloned from the DNA of Coach Klein from The Waterboy (click the link for indisputable proof). Sure, Klein’s a fictional character, but science has been capable of some pretty impressive shit lately, so I think I’m still more right than wrong on this one.

Seen hovering over FedEx field last night.

Last night served to do little more than to seal the fates of Jason Campbell and Jim Zorn. The game would be a bigger story if it weren’t for the firing of Vinny Cerrato and hiring of Bruce Allen as general manager which took place earlier this week. Though I’m happy to see Vinny go, this article gave me more than a little pause regarding Allen’s track record. Yes, I’m Mr. Glass-is-Half-Empty (and the waiter probably spat in it, too), but facts are facts, and Allen doesn’t seem like a guarantee to do anything with the Redskins that will make the front of my pants puffy anytime soon.

So Merry Christmas, Redskins fans, and be thankful for the blessings that still await us on the horizon: A loss next week at the hands of a vengeful Shaun Suisham and, in two weeks, Norv Turner gleefully sticking it to his former team. Dan Snyder’s lucky the season ends with that San Diego Chargers game, because if this trend of returning, vengeful spirits continued, we may have seen a zombie Jack Kent Cooke rise from the grave and give him the Night of the Living Dead treatment in the owner’s box. Now that’d be a Christmas present.

Why the Redskins Will Kill Me-Week 14

admin — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 18:58:48 +0000

The slump-buster. For those of you unfamiliar with the expression, it refers to the practice of sleeping with a woman of “ample carriage” after you’ve gone a long time without lovin’ in order to get you out of your sexual slump and back on the right track. The logic is karma will reward you for performing such a good deed. I’ve slump-busted. I’ve slump-busted so often that, every time I turn a corner, I’m expecting Rihanna naked on all fours as karma’s way of paying off its now-massive debt. What does all of this have to do with the Redskins? Well, they busted their slump with 34 points all over the Raiders’ chubby, grateful face. And now they just might have a chance to win out.

During slump-busting, this is the image I picture to get aroused.

Win out? Before you stop reading, convinced I’ve been driven mad by too many Redskins losses and flashbacks to too many “larger than life” evenings triggered by typing that last paragraph, hear me out. The Redskins’ play for at least the past month has been, by anyone’s standards, impressive. They have three games left: They host the New York Giants, then the Dallas Cowboys and finally travel west to play the San Diego Chargers at Qualcomm Stadium (on an unrelated note, the corporate naming of sports stadiums needs to stop before the Redskins are playing at Bang Bros Stadium by 2020).

'Have you seen my weiner?'

Of the three, the strongest by far are the Chargers, but I’m gambling on them having clinched their division by then and resting their starters while multiple Redskins will be playing their hearts out to save their careers with a team that grossly overpays them. The Giants could also prove difficult, but I think it’s high time America admit that the Manning brothers both strongly resemble Corky from “Life Goes On” while Jason Campbell’s resemblance to Bubba Blue of Forrest Gump fame is minimal at best, proving he’s the strongest quarterback of the three (and that I’m not a racist because I didn’t fall for the old “all black people look alike” trap. Take that, NAACP). As for the Cowboys, well, it’s the Cowboys in December. ‘Nuff said.

The big question is if winning the remaining three games this season will be enough to save the jobs of Jim Zorn and Jason Campbell. I hate to admit it, but I’ve reached a point where I’m rooting for both to stay. I’ll be the first to confess I’m not exactly sure what Jim Zorn does anymore. I think he might be in charge of the team Gatorade and they let him throw the challenge flag because he’s a fan of bright colors. Whatever his job, though, he’s become a bizarre good luck charm, like Rudy or Radio. That doesn’t sound like resounding praise at first, but have you ever seen Rudy? It’s awesome. As for Jason, these past few games have shown the world that he is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, a very capable quarterback. I’m praying that he stays, but if Dan Snyder succeeds at being Dan Snyder and getting him booted from the team, I can’t wait for him to land on his feet with another team that doesn’t treat him like the starlet of a bukkake scene.

Any excuse to post good ol' Fudgie.

Child Despot Snyder is already showing signs that he’s looking to boot Jason Campbell at the least: A few weeks ago, he and Vinny Cerrato attended a University of Texas game to scout quarterback Colt McCoy. Snyder will never change, regardless of the words to the contrary that come out of his mouth. Picturing him watching McCoy conjures images of a kid toucher gazing longingly over the fence at a full playground. Sure, he doesn’t have a freezer stocked with sedative-laced ice cream cakes, but he’s got the metaphorical equivalent in scads of dirty cash.

It has been said that “tomorrow is promised to no man.” The Redskins may very well lose their final three games. Jim Zorn and Jason Campbell along with tons of other familiar faces are probably on their way out, which will trigger another round of…wait for it…rebuilding years. So take the time to savor Sunday’s win. Even if it was a bit of a…

Why the Redskins Will Kill Me-Week 11

admin — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 19:05:20 +0000

In one of the great scenes in movie history, Jack Woltz awakens in his bed covered in blood, the severed head of his prized stallion Khartoum lying at his feet. The beauty of the scene is how the discovery of the head is teased: First, Woltz gently begins to stir as he registers a new, warm fluid under the sheets (as an aside, I would have awoken bolt upright the second I felt anything like that on my leg, but hey, maybe old Jacky was a bedwetter). He then rolls over, checks his hand, dumbfounded for a few seconds by the blood coating it before yanking down the sheets to make sure it’s not his own. The sheets don’t immediately fly off, either: There is a good second or two of frantic pulling to find the source of the blood. Oh, but when we do, what a payoff! For there lies the severed head of Woltz’s million dollar stud stallion. That’s what you get for screwing with Don Vito Corleone, Jack!

What does any of this have to do with the Redskin’s heartbreaking loss on Sunday to the hated Cowboys? I’m getting to that. First, I’m going to need the home address of Shaun Suisham. Oh, and if any of my readers have a spare horse, that’d be great, too.

My brand. (Relax, voice in John's head: It's your website. No one can prove you're a liar.)

Is there anything as damming in football as the missed field goal? I can think of no other botch that angers the fates quite like it. In the pantheon of fucking up, “missed field goal” ranks right up there with “didn’t use a condom.” Either way, you spend the rest of the clock waiting for the other shoe to fall, be it a call saying she’s four weeks late or the inevitable loss by one or two points. And, after the gut punch I felt watching Tony Romo score the go-ahead touchdown at the end of the fourth quarter, I’m pretty sure I would have preferred getting an “It’s yo baby” call from Mo’Nique (do yourself a favor and wait for that link to load. It’s worth it) to ever feeling that way again.

Can I really lay all the blame for the emotional rape I felt at the feet of Redskins kicker Shaun Suisham, who managed to blow not one but two field goals on the day? No. I should have known better than to believe in, well, anything, but especially the Redskins managing to pull out a gutty win on the road against an NFC East opponent. But am I so wrong for wanting to believe a miracle could happen? Hell no. Sometimes, someone manages to buck all the odds and achieve the impossible. Like Rudy. Or me that time I slept with a moderately attractive woman.

Yeah, the Redskins have taken some hits.

So where are the Redskins left in light of this loss? Well, I think we can safely rule out the 19-0 record at this point. Which isn’t to say things have become unwatchable: The season has grown mildly more interesting simply because of the disgusting amount of injuries the team has suffered, which has forced them to field countless backups and third-stringers, aka guys who are hungry as wolves to see some play time. It’s like the Redskins have secretly signed a deal for to make a sequel to that awful Marky Mark movie Invincible and are trying out a lot of guys as potential leads. Hell, I’m starting to think that if I went to a game and sat in the front row in full pads there’s a chance I could get a shot.

Yep, like the battered wife I am, I’ll keep watching the Redskins. I’m sure I’ll even find ways to trick myself into believing they’ll win another game here and there this season. Because that’s what I do. I hope against hope. I fall in love with the biggest loser I can find that’s as bad for me as humanly possible and I invest every last one of my emotional dollars in them. Am I even referring to football at this point? I don’t know. You got me twisted, Redskins. You got me twisted.

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'Don't give up on us John. We'd never stop loving you.'

Why the Redskins Will Kill Me-Week 10

admin — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 08:04:18 +0000

In Arnold Schwarzenegger’s 1997 opus Batman & Robin, his character, Mr. Freeze, spoke the following profundity: “In this universe, there’s only one absolute… everything freezes!” And, like every other utterance that has come out of that man’s teutonic gullet, be it “If it bleeds, we can kill it” or “It’s not a tumor,” it was proven correct. For on Sunday afternoon, Hell froze over. The Redskins won a game.

I'm a student of the Dom DeLuise school of coping.

Like any sane individual, I was fully prepared for a Redskins loss. I had advised my mom to pick against them in her office football pool and had ordered a titanic sausage pizza that I intended to sit and eat with more and more fervor as the game state progressively worsened in order to make myself stop feeling pain. And, in the game’s early stages, my plan seemed flawless. Redskins down by a touchdown? Bam, a slice down the hatch. The Redskins’ secondary looking positively pathetic and giving up a second, massive pass to Brandon Marshall? I didn’t even waste time chewing that slice: It’d just get in the way of me getting my medicine!

I had another slice wrapped up on itself like an egg roll so I could take it as a suppository in case the Redskins botched something else and my stomach was too stuffed for more medicine when the unthinkable happened: The Redskins converted on a trick play by their punter, Hunter Smith, who lobbed a beautiful pass that seemed to hang in the air forever. And, as the Redskins tied the score at 14-all, I felt reborn.

Yeah, it was kinda like that.

The tears fell like I had just seen the Baby Jesus or a woman undressing in my bedroom after an unfathomably long dry spell. I hurled the rolled-up slice of pizza in my hand across the room, disgusted at how far I had fallen, at what fate had reduced myself and my once-proud team to. There would be no ass-pizza on this day! As the game progressed and the Redskins continued to play tenaciously, long-forgotten behaviors slowly came back to me: A friend’s Facebook status, which read “At the Skins game!” was greeted with my comment of “I’m jealous!” instead of my usual “Thanks for financially supporting the infidel whore who has corrupted the team which I grew up worshiping!” I actively rooted against an opposing quarterback in a losing situation, in this case, Chris Simms, architect of at least one painful Redskins defeat as a Buccaneer. With every hit he took, I howled with delight, determined to see him get sacked so hard that his surgically repaired spleen shot out of his rectum.

Hudson, I'm going to miss you most of all.

As the final moments wound down and the Redskins’ victory was assured, I felt…well, I’ll quote Jim Zorn for that one: “We’ve had a desert experience – very arid, if you will – for the last few weeks. To be able to come out with a win, you almost don’t know how to feel.” And he’s absolutely right. I’ve been witness to a lot of crappy Redskins teams this past decade, but I can’t recall a time when I have ever felt such apathy toward their entire season, such a belief that they were doomed to lose every game they played. To taste victory again, to see the team play with heart for a full 60 minutes, has added a bittersweet quality to the remainder of the season for me. Because, barring a miracle, the majority of these guys are going to be gone at the end of the season. It’s like watching Aliens for the millionth time: You know pretty much all of the space marines are going to die by the end. But you hope against hope that, somehow, this will be the time they pull it out.

This victory combined with the Cowboys’ loss has made next week’s game in Dallas infinitely more compelling. Do I think the Redskins are going to make it two in a row? No, probably not. But I’m not 100% convinced that they’re going to lose, either. And that means, when it comes time to order a pizza, I’ll only be going with a medium.