Val Kilmer’s Elbow – Papa’s Basement Podcast #353
Marc and I talk about a lot this episode: The powerlessness one feels when their car is dying. What to do to discipline a pet that just won’t listen. And […]
Let’s dispense with the drama and brace yourself for some shocking news: I think Tyler Perry is garbage. I don’t mean that personally, of course. God bless him for rising from homelessness to achieve what he has, and I feel bad the guy can’t suck cock all willy-nilly as he allegedly would love to. That still doesn’t mean I want him behind the camera. His movies are, artistically speaking, shit. Plain and simple.
No, these aren’t the words of some honky who hasn’t seen a Tyler Perry movie and just thinks he should hate them: I’ve seen them. A lot of them. My mom loves them. And, because my life is a shambles and I live at home, I watch them with her. I’ve seen Diary of a Mad Black Woman. I’ve seen Madea’s Family Reunion. I’ve seen Madea Goes to Jail. They’re all the same. A scorned black woman finds a guy who, while far from rich, has a good heart and learns to love him for that. And his abs and dreamy light eyes. Because the only poor folks getting pussy in a Madea movie are damn handsome. Sorry, Charles S. Dutton: Reggie ain’t getting nothing but his hand tonight.
Beyond the repetitive nature of the plots is the horrible overacting. Tyler Perry’s background is stage and it shows. The dude can’t work small at all. Everyone has to scream and weep and gnash their teeth at everything. You see more nuanced performances from the Bumblebee Man. Not to mention that, in the midst of all this drama, we have to pretend that there isn’t a dude the size of a defensive tackle wearing a wig and interacting with everyone as a woman. Imagine they filmed Schindler’s List with the part of Oscar Schindler played by a talking dog but changed nothing else about the movie and still sold it as serious drama. That’s what a Madea movie is like.
I’d say I don’t know why these movies keep getting made except that I do. People love them. People you wouldn’t expect to. Like my very talented artist friend Karly who makes these creepy fucking dolls. Her baby shower next week is going to involve a bunch of us taking her to A Midea Christmas. That’s it. That’s the big party. And apparently that’s more than enough for her. Or my friend Chris “Blue Shorts” Lingebach. He’s as white as it gets. If Hitler won, life would be like this except it’d be Chris’ face on everyone instead. That dude can’t get enough Madea. So don’t think this is a blacks-only phenomena because, like HIV or opiate addiction, it’s a problem that transcends the barriers of race, creed and class.
If you don’t want your disappointment this Christmas to be limited to the gifts you receive, your horrible family and the way you’ve misspent your entire year, than toss the yule log of piss poor cinema that is Tyler Perry’s A Madea Christmas on your fire. It’s sure to make everything else bad in your life seem mild by comparison.
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