Reviewing A Good Day to Die Hard Without Having Seen It

One of many implausible situations that John McClane has to escape in the latest Die Hard film.

We all remember and love the original Die Hard, that film featuring unlikely hero Bruce Willis as policeman John McClane who, along with Carl Winslow, foiled the plot of a pack of Kraut terrorists to steal millions in bearer bonds. The movie worked for a variety of reasons, chief among them an affable performance from Willis, well-paced direction, and a plot that only insulted our intelligence mildly. A few years later, the inevitable Die Hard 2 was released, and it was okay as far as sequels go (a ringing endorsement if I’ve ever heard it). I even got a little something out of Die Hard With a Vengeance, thanks in no small part to this scene, but enough is enough. A Good Day to Die Hard is two films removed from DHWAV, and, at this point, it’s safe to say the milk’s gone bad.

I…I don’t really know how to continue the review from this point. A Good Day to Die Hard was made because the studio knows it’s going to profit. Which means there are a lot of people out there who think to themselves, “I don’t care who the director is, what the premise is, who wrote the script and if the ticket is $15, just give me John McClane.” It’s one thing if you enjoy Bruce Willis and see any piece of crap that features him, but this movie will get its money because it’s JOHN MCCLANE.

Let me tell you something: John McClane isn’t a person. John McClane is a fabrication that is only as good as the words written for him and the guy in the seat labeled “director” that is telling him what to do. That’s why a steak cooked by Wolfgang Puck in one of his restaurants will probably taste better than one prepped by Chef Manni at your local Sizzler–even if there’s a sizable cross-section of dopes out there that can’t put two and two together and think to themselves,”Meh, beef is beef.”

So if you don’t care that John McClane, cop who succeeded against all odds to save his wife has become John McClane, man who has now encountered more terrorists than an RQ-1 Predator and can fight in his 50s like a member of SEAL Team 6 with an advanced jiu-jitsu background, enjoy the movie. Just know that I consider you all that is wrong with the American public. Unless you have great tits. Then I’m willing to hear your side of things.

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1 Comment

  1. Laura
    February 16, 2013 at 7:33 pm

    When will they stop making these? I look forward to never again seeing a trailer that includes “yippie ki-yay mother f-“CUTAWAY TO MOVIE TITLE.

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