Pizza Hut’s Cheesy Bites Pizza-The Prelude

by admin on December 2, 2010

There’s one goal for this man today, and that’s to devour Pizza Hut’s new Cheesy Bites Pizza. The Hut barely had to work on me this time. I saw the commercial for it two, maybe three times, tops, in the last 24 hours and I was sold worse than Homer on clown college.

Of all the major pizza chains, it’s Pizza Hut that I have the most love-hate relationship with. On one hand, they seem to take the biggest risks in pizza toppings and structure. They had thin crust before anyone else, offered a Steak Lover’s Pizza that had A-1 instead of tomato sauce and their personal pan pizzas are still a thing of greasy beauty. If you told me that Pizza Hut invented a pizza with a Fleshlight baked into the middle, I wouldn’t bat an eye, I’d just buy stock.

On the other hand, their pizzas are almost always a disaster, defined by shoddy ingredients and crappy recipes. The recent Big Italy in particular springs to mind. It bragged about being the size of two and a half normal large pizzas for $12 and sounded a perfect fit for some halftime snacking with a few friends. Upon opening the wrapper, though, it was easy to see why it cost so little: The dough was tasteless and spread thin as a hamster’s hymen. Shoving the bag it came in over my head and huffing the pizza sauce fumes was more satisfying than eating it.

So it’s with a sense of trepidation that I prepare for tonight’s Cheesy Bites feast. I mean it’s bread. With cheese baked into it. How can you fuck that up? If all my years as a fast food connoisseur have taught me anything, however, it’s that Pizza Hut will find a way. My review will be posted tomorrow. I pray it’s a positive one.

{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }

Nyssa23 December 2, 2010 at 2:21 pm

I’m rooting for you, buddy. Have been wanting to try that one myself but can’t break my allegiance to the stuffed-crust model.

Mrs Payrez December 2, 2010 at 11:55 pm

The spoof song “Jizz In My Pants” actually means something to me after eating this tonight.

Sonia @ Master of Her Romaine December 3, 2010 at 12:35 pm

Just came across your blog while searching for reviews of the cheesy bites pizza! I too am ordering it tonight for the first time. Can’t wait to try it! And looking forward to reading your review :)

Buster Hymen January 12, 2011 at 8:46 pm

Mrs. Payrez, I can’t effing believe you just said that! I was reading all these luke warm reviews on the net about this thing and I was thinking to myself “Oh my Gawd, that sppof song ‘Jizz in my pants’ DOES have meaning!” And this was it. I virtually blew my load when I had this Pizza. I had both cheese-pep and meatlovers. Both of which I dipped in garlic butter dipping sauce and for a moment my vision would blurr and I’d forget my name.

Trevor January 26, 2012 at 7:30 pm

Hah I worked for the hut during that promotion, trust me, I’m happy not to make it anymore :)

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