There’s one goal for this man today, and that’s to devour Pizza Hut’s new Cheesy Bites Pizza. The Hut barely had to work on me this time. I saw the commercial for it two, maybe three times, tops, in the last 24 hours and I was sold worse than Homer on clown college.
Of all the major pizza chains, it’s Pizza Hut that I have the most love-hate relationship with. On one hand, they seem to take the biggest risks in pizza toppings and structure. They had thin crust before anyone else, offered a Steak Lover’s Pizza that had A-1 instead of tomato sauce and their personal pan pizzas are still a thing of greasy beauty. If you told me that Pizza Hut invented a pizza with a Fleshlight baked into the middle, I wouldn’t bat an eye, I’d just buy stock.
On the other hand, their pizzas are almost always a disaster, defined by shoddy ingredients and crappy recipes. The recent Big Italy in particular springs to mind. It bragged about being the size of two and a half normal large pizzas for $12 and sounded a perfect fit for some halftime snacking with a few friends. Upon opening the wrapper, though, it was easy to see why it cost so little: The dough was tasteless and spread thin as a hamster’s hymen. Shoving the bag it came in over my head and huffing the pizza sauce fumes was more satisfying than eating it.
So it’s with a sense of trepidation that I prepare for tonight’s Cheesy Bites feast. I mean it’s bread. With cheese baked into it. How can you fuck that up? If all my years as a fast food connoisseur have taught me anything, however, it’s that Pizza Hut will find a way. My review will be posted tomorrow. I pray it’s a positive one.