Pizza Hut’s Cheesy Bites Pizza-The Prelude

by admin on December 2, 2010

There’s one goal for this man today, and that’s to devour Pizza Hut’s new Cheesy Bites Pizza. The Hut barely had to work on me this time. I saw the commercial for it two, maybe three times, tops, in the last 24 hours and I was sold worse than Homer on clown college.

Of all the major pizza chains, it’s Pizza Hut that I have the most love-hate relationship with. On one hand, they seem to take the biggest risks in pizza toppings and structure. They had thin crust before anyone else, offered a Steak Lover’s Pizza that had A-1 instead of tomato sauce and their personal pan pizzas are still a thing of greasy beauty. If you told me that Pizza Hut invented a pizza with a Fleshlight baked into the middle, I wouldn’t bat an eye, I’d just buy stock.

On the other hand, their pizzas are almost always a disaster, defined by shoddy ingredients and crappy recipes. The recent Big Italy in particular springs to mind. It bragged about being the size of two and a half normal large pizzas for $12 and sounded a perfect fit for some halftime snacking with a few friends. Upon opening the wrapper, though, it was easy to see why it cost so little: The dough was tasteless and spread thin as a hamster’s hymen. Shoving the bag it came in over my head and huffing the pizza sauce fumes was more satisfying than eating it.

So it’s with a sense of trepidation that I prepare for tonight’s Cheesy Bites feast. I mean it’s bread. With cheese baked into it. How can you fuck that up? If all my years as a fast food connoisseur have taught me anything, however, it’s that Pizza Hut will find a way. My review will be posted tomorrow. I pray it’s a positive one.

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