Reviewing Pixels Without Having Seen It

The trajectory of Adam Sandler’s career is nothing if not fascinating. 20 years ago, he could do no wrong. In the middle of a very popular SNL stint, he released Billy Madison, a movie I consider to be one of the great light comedies. His albums They’re All Gonna Laugh at You! and What the Hell Happened to Me? were both tremendous successes (who wasn’t familiar with “Lunchlady Land” and “The Chanukah Song”?). The next three years would see him star in Happy Gilmore, The Wedding Singer and The Waterboy, the latter two earning what scientists refer to as “fuck you money.” The goofy bastard was a box office king with the good will of the American public firmly behind him.

So, to use an easy line because I write with all the discipline that I martial toward eating healthily and keeping my hand off my dick, “What the hell happened to him?” The once-playful embrace of his work has been replaced with open contempt from everyone I know, crapping out movies like Jack and Jill and You Don’t Mess with the Zohan that are not just bad, but insultingly so. His name has become a running joke, synonymous with complete cinematic garbage. And yet, somehow, his movies still do great business for the most part. Much like kid porn or copies of Creed’s Human Clay, while no one you know (hopefully) is into them, someone’s buying.

The latest film from Sandler’s “Horrible Period” is Pixels, a movie that features the Earth being attacked by representations of early-80s video game characters. Why? Because Hollywood has found that we are idiots who will flock to anything that trades in nostalgia for our childhoods, that’s why. Be it Transformers, Ninja Turtles or Ghostbusters, if it had any connection to your childhood, it will be made into a movie. The human brain is weak like that. Anything you recognize as “happy” and “good” from your childhood gets an auto-pass as an adult. It’s the same logic Hitler applied to the Hitlerjugend, except he tried to sell kids on the idea of genocide instead of cars that became robots.

This movie worries me because seeing a CGI Donkey Kong might jolt enough dopamine into your head to trick you into thinking you’re seeing an action movie, not an Adam Sandler movie. Do not be duped! You will leave this movie disappointed and, perhaps worse, bored. You want to combine Adam Sandler and pixelated graphics? Burn your eyes out playing Tetris on your Game Boy with Billy Madison on in the background and save Pixels for filling the flaming bag on Old Man Clemens’ porch.

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Tagged as: Adam Sandler,  Movie Review.