Well, I guess we know who to call in case of a Joe Flacco biopic.
“The stakes have never been higher.”
“Win, and you’re in.”
“Once you go black, you’ll never go back.”
A lot of clichés get bandied about during the championship week of the NFL Playoffs. Maybe it’s because, as the breadth of the teams left narrows, it gets harder and harder for writers to find words to put on a page. Luckily, that’s never been a problem for me, both because I’m that damn good and due to the fact that this website is my own, meaning I could up and leave right this second to go chase a butterfly if it had particularly interesting wings.
Here are my picks for this weekend’s games, complete with my usual in-depth analysis that might as well consist of me picking teams based upon the prettiness of their uniforms.
Look, I get it, 'Ravens' has some historical significance with Edgar Allan Poe and all. I just wan't to float 'Baltimore Omar Littles' out there as a possible, far more intimdating alternative.
I don’t think there has been a harder game to call this postseason than the Ravens-Patriots contest. Every time I want to pick the Patriots, I remember that, as good as they’ve looked, they haven’t beat a single team with a winning record this year. And that says a lot. Put me on a T-Ball field and I’m going to look like Albert Pujols.
On the other hand, Baltimore seems like a total crapshoot because they are so streaky. There are days that its offense, lead by quarterback Ben Stiller, puts up great numbers and the team totally dominates the clock with Ray Rice’s running and a defense that looks ready to play Ike to any team’s Tina…and then there are the days where Joe Flacco goes three and out so many times that you might think that he derives sexual satisfaction from it.
After much deliberation (20 seconds of thought while on the john this morning) I’m calling the Patriots for the following reasons: The Ravens’ defense, while solid, isn’t that 2000 squad. Sorry, citizens of Baltimore, but they aren’t, and no amount of jeering me with your herpetic, sore-filled mouths is going to change that. They’re going to give up 28 points, minimum, to Prettysmile McHandsomepenis. And, though the Pats’ defense sucks, Cam Cameron’s plays date back to a time of leather helmets and smoking in the locker room at halftime. Belichick will be able to figure out a way to disrupt the Ravens O enough for a win, regardless of how shitty his personnel may be.
Being based in San Francisco, it still shocks me that the 49ers have female cheerleaders. You'd figure a bunch of glistening Latinos in Cocksox might be more in order.
There is no way that the Patriots-Ravens game will be half as thrilling as this one. The Giants are on a Hell of a tear, with Eli Manning proving that you can have a face like Sling Blade but an arm like Joe Montana. Opposing him will be Alex Smith, who’s shown that, in spite of almost a decade of underachievement, there might be some potential buried in that dung heap after all. (Can you tell I identify with him?)
While the Giants have done great work, I see the 49ers walking away with this one. They’re a more complete team with a defense that’s far more likely to get them turnovers. Not to mention that the 49ers won the regular season match-up when their running was putrid and now Frank Gore is all better, or at least as good as someone’s going to get after he’s had morbidly obese men in body armor crushing him for five months. If the Giants pull it off, it’ll be because Eli and Victor Cruz continued to develop their Riggs and Murtaugh-esque bond while Alex Smith shit the bed and did what everyone deep down expected him to do even after last week’s outstanding performance.
I’ll write about the results on Tuesday. If I go 0-for-2, please leave comments so horrible that they would bring shame to both of our families.
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Ravens Vs. 49ers in all all Harbaugh Super Bowl.
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