Netflix’s GLOW Ate My Weekend — Papa’s Basement 534
I am one of the few people that actually remembers the original “Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling” (or GLOW) from their brief, late-80s cable tv reign. You see, I wanted to […]
After spending a few days in lovely Ocean City, MD, I have returned a font of beach knowledge that you, the faithful reader, deserve to reap the benefit of. So, without further ado, here are ten nuggets of beach wisdom designed to kick your summer fun into overdrive!
1. Don’t forget to wear plenty of sunscreen!
2. Make sure your swimsuit fits snugly: Nobody wants any embarrassing accidents getting out of the ocean!
3. Once you’re in the waves, don’t fantasize about how easy it would be to let it all go and sink beneath the briny depths forever!
4. Most people are extra-friendly when on vacation. Don’t forget to make some new pals!
5. Just because you’re on vacation, doesn’t mean you have license to make a mess. You’re a guest in town. Behave!
6. Really, don’t fixate upon the Devil’s baptism that a sea-supplied suicide would offer. Your sins, your desires, your loves, your hates…all of it painlessly washed away forever. Don’t!
7. Seagulls!
8. Look, if you were going to drown yourself in the ocean (which has worked for pregnant teens and debtors alike since time immemorial), you should have changed your will before heading out. Otherwise, all $72 in your savings account will go to the bitch and not that chimpanzee sanctuary that you saw on TLC last year!
9. You can never leave too early in the morning to avoid vacation traffic!
10. Fine. Do it. Unlike taking that screenwriting class at the community college, unlike asking out Kendra Fitzpatrick instead of staring at her across your desk like a psychopath for the last 18 months, maybe you can at least man up and kill yourself. Isn’t that great? This is where you are in life. You are trying to reclaim a shred of self-worth by checking “killing myself” off of a list of goals because it’s the likeliest to actually get accomplished. Except a real man would have done this years ago and saved his family the embarrassment of the seven course failure meal your life has been since age 23. Great. Too old to even kill yourself for maximum effect. Just go back to the hotel, jerk off to the brunette with the huge tits that looked 18ish enough for you to not feel like a pedophile on top of everything else and then order a pizza up to the room. Don’t forget to tip the driver at least three dollars!
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