I Survived My Vegas Vacation: Day 1, Part 3-A Night on the Town
With both legs of a journey so nightmarish that it made the Trail of Tears look like a pleasant spring hike behind me, I was ready to finally enjoy some […]
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Papa’s Basement 6-6-11-Arnold Schwarzenegger Broke My Heart
I don’t mention this fact much (maybe because it always comes off like I’m being sarcastic), but Arnold Schwarzenegger is one of my biggest personal heroes. So maybe that’s why […]
I Survived My Vegas Vacation: Day 1, Part 2-Touchdown in Vegas
Where last we left off, your friend and humble narrator had landed in Milwaukee to await a connecting flight to Las Vegas. The layover was brief, and, as I slumped […]
Papa’s Basement 5-31-11-Tales from Sin City
99 times out of 100, when a guy behind a mic says, “Man, I just wish we had more time to get to everything I wanted to talk about today,” […]
I Survived My Vegas Vacation: Day 1, Part 1-The Flight
Well, I’m back. After half a week in what can only be described as Eden with breast implants, I’ve returned home to the humid morass of our nation’s capital. By […]
In Las Vegas-No Updates Until 5/25
Because a life of working three hours a day while playing more Wii than a Japanese preteen was really knocking it out of me, I decided to take a vacation […]
Cougar Life:The Catchiest Jingle You’ll Hate Yourself for Loving
Given my love of symphonic music, Osetras caviar and penchant for making love on the beaches of Saint-Tropez, it may shock you to learn that I enjoy something as base […]
Papa’s Basement 5-16-11-When Did I Become an Old Twat About Drinking?
I was a groomsman for the first (and, given how infrequently my friends get laid, probably last) time in my life last weekend, and even I, who was awesome enough […]
Finally, A Female Teacher-Male Student Sex Case That’s Obviously Rape
We’ve all heard the story before. A female teacher, accused of sleeping with a male student, is charged with rape. I have no idea how the average person reacts to […]
The Latest Song I Hate Myself for Loving
Everyone has songs they’re ashamed to admit they love. For example, I’m unable to turn the dial any time Ke$ha’s “Your Love is My Drug” comes on. Ke$ha’s a cow […]
Is Roger Ebert a Stale Old Fart?
The film Kick-Ass was released a little over a year ago. A tale of a comic-obsessed teen who decides to don a mask himself and fight crime, it sounds like […]
I Hope the Severed Head of Walt Disney Doesn’t Sue Me
Thanks to my friend Jen for obliging me and taking the time to sketch this piece. My drawings look like something Muhammad Ali tried to whip up with his left […]
Criminal Mastermind Caught Stealing Over $10k in Legos
10-year-old me just creamed his Spider-Man Underoos imagining how many Legos $10k must buy. A Norman, Oklahoma man was arrested on a grand larceny complaint for attempting to steal over […]
Was I the Only Kid Scared Sh*tless of Aliens?
And no, I’m not talking the magnum opus Aliens. Who could be afraid with Hudson protecting them? This post is one of many in a proud tradition of “Was I […]
Six-Year-Old Accused of Sexual Assault
I know what you’re wondering: How can a six-year-old be accused of sexual assault? Did he get a girl to drop her diaper for beads? Convince her that she’d never […]