The only thing differentiating this photo from my life is I have a slightly better hairline and our furniture isn't covered in plastic (because my mom uses fabric covers instead).

The only things differentiating this photo from the reality of my life right now are that I have a slightly better hairline and our furniture isn’t covered in plastic (because my mom uses fabric covers instead).

An icy tumble has left my mom infirm, meaning I’ve become her 24/7 caretaker until she’s healed up. Hear all about mother’s descent into old ladyhood, my co-host Howard debating whether or not I’m trustworthy enough to be used as his best man in his upcoming wedding and a scientist’s discovery of a foolproof way of making people fall madly in love with you (it doesn’t even require you to have money in the bank or a penis large enough to land aircraft on!). How did we manage to fit all of that content into one hour? Well, the secret is doing so much coke before the show that you’ll hear our voices and think we’re John Moschitta selling Micro Machines.

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The older you get, the more your New Year's Eve celebrations go from raucous bacchanalia to drunken fights with significant others just waiting to happen.

The older you get, the more your New Year’s Eve celebrations go from raucous bacchanalia to drunken fights with significant others just waiting to happen.

New Year’s Eve, more than any holiday, is a barometer of your age. When young, you can’t wait to go out and find some wild shit to get into. Now, I want nothing more than to be asleep before the ball drop because, Christ, I’ve already seen it happen 20 times. Hear about my lame New Year’s Eve, Howard’s slightly less lame New Year’s Eve, why partying with single girls on NYE stinks (despite what you might think about it being as easy as fishing with dynamite to score on them), my weekend of pink eye and how a botched dye job has me looking like Saddam Hussein (but at least it’s a young, sexy Saddam Hussein). Don’t forget to share the show on social media if you like it: That’s how we increase our audience by two listeners per year!

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Jewish Christmas — Papa’s Basement #433

by John Papa on December 30, 2014

Jewish Christmas

Howard celebrates a Jewish Christmas with his girlfriend while John is left to find the Christmas spirit anywhere he can this year in an attempt to recapture the magic of his childhood. A listener tells us how a previous guest on our show saved her life. And a trip to Victoria’s Secret gets a little awkward.

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Sony Pulls The Interview — Papa’s Basement #432

by John Papa on December 23, 2014

This, clearly, is not a photo of Sony pulling The Interview. The second part of the episode gets into a Chilean radio station that let a listener win tickets by eating a DJ's ass. God bless Latin America.

This, clearly, is not a photo of Sony pulling The Interview. The second part of the episode gets into a Chilean radio station that let a listener win tickets by eating a DJ’s ass. God bless Latin America.

We discuss Sony pulling The Interview from its Christmas Day theatrical release and why people would have bitched about it one way or another, a Chilean DJ who got a listener to eat his ass for concert tickets, and a childhood friend comes in studio to discuss our tremendously attractive first grade teacher.

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This cartoon is actually a semi-accurate representation of what Doctor Steve looks like, except he doesn't have eyebrows like an Armenian grandfather in real life.

This cartoon is actually a semi-accurate representation of what Doctor Steve looks like, except he doesn’t have eyebrows like an Armenian grandfather in real life.

If you have SiriusXM, then you may be familiar with Doctor Steve and his wonderful, irreverent and uncensored medical show Weird Medicine. I’ve been a fan for a long time, so it was a real treat for me to get the guy on air for an amazing half-hour during which he talks about achieving a career as a broadcaster while working as a doctor, why he’s obsessed with the new season of Homeland and why a smelly vagina is like a dirty litter box. That last bit is what he closes with, and it might be the biggest laugh I’ve had in a long time. Give the episode a listen, and please subscribe to Doctor Steve’s Weird Medicine on iTunes and say hello to him on Twitter, where you can bug him with whatever embarrassing medical questions you may have.

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Bill Cosby: Racist Rapist — Papa’s Basement #430

by John Papa on December 16, 2014

"Ah, the smell of non-consensual vaginal secretions."

“Ah, the smell of non-consensual vaginal secretions.”

I am joined by the co-hosts of the Big Brown & Burnsie Show, the aptly named Big Brown and Burnsie, for a mash-up episode that covers the politics of farting in bed with a spouse and why the gifts given at Christmas by significant others are doomed to get much, much worse as the years pass by.

We also end the show with a debate about whether it’s more offensive to the black community that Bill Cosby (allegedly) raped a bunch of women or that all the women he raped where white. Seriously, look it up. It’s a pattern of prey the strength of which ol’ brunette-slayer Ted Bundy would have been proud of. Couldn’t he have found a nice sister to rape, like Cicely Tyson or Eartha Kitt? Shame on him.

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High School Ruined Me — Papa’s Basement #429

by John Papa on December 12, 2014

Hint to kids who want to achieve: Don't let your goal in high school be "become John Bender."

Hint to kids who want to achieve: Don’t let your goal in high school be “become John Bender.”

Whenever high school comes up on the show, I characterize it as a mostly good time. Because, well, it was. But it wasn’t all sunshine and backyard Heinekens stolen from your friend’s parents’ fridge. Today, I delve into the crappy aspects of my high school experience. If you’ve ever gone through high school (since I’m not big in the six-year-old demo, I’ll assume most of you listening have), you’ll relate. Think of it as Serial minus the murder. And the quality of storytelling. And without sponsors. Fine, don’t compare us in any way with Serial. It just serves to make us look worse.

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I'm not sure if I'm more jealous of him for the woman or the sweet shirt.

I’m not sure if I’m more jealous of him for the woman or the sweet shirt.

I’ve been a huge Opie & Anthony fan for years, and always enjoyed the hell out of the show’s producer, Erik Nagel. The guy is a Simpsons fanatic, grew up obsessed with radio and obsessively collects toys while hosting his own show, It’s Erik Nagel and reviewing junk food. I feel like we must be somehow related.

Anyhow, Erik was kind enough to call in and spend an hour talking with me about his thoughts on the Star Wars: Episode VII — The Force Awakes trailer, why he hates the term “geek culture,” his thoughts on whether or no the The Simpsons is still as good as it ever was, the firing of his former co-worker Anthony Cumia and even offers a Papa’s Basement-exclusive review of his favorite snack this holiday season. The guy is great on air, and you should absolutely check him out on both Twitter and Instagram.

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D'awww, just look at those rapeable wittle cheeks!

D’awww, just look at those rapeable wittle cheeks!

What would a radio show be if its hosts didn’t summarize their Thanksgiving breaks upon returning from them? Howard and I tell the tale of our Thanksgivings, the contents of mine including recording an episode of this show that will never make it to air due to its racy content (hence calling it the “lost episode”) and obsessively watching Banshee, a Cinemax show with as much porn as plot. We also lock horns about whether or not what happened to Shia LaBeouf was rape (spoiler: it wasn’t, but Howard stupidly claims it was). It’s a good episode. I mean, I’d lie and say it was even if it wasn’t, but I’m not lying about this one.

Please support us by clicking the links below to subscribe to, rate and comment on the shows, which is how we get new traffic. And if you want to help us financially, simply click on the Banshee link above to put an Amazon cookie on your computer that then gives us credit for all the crud you buy for 24 hours or so. Click, do your shopping, then wait for us to make untold cents off of your purchases. Boy, we’re really rolling in it now!

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What do you get to eat when a sandwich shop runs out of the bread it puts its sandwiches on? Click here for the answer!

What do you get to eat when you show up at a sandwich shop that’s run out of bread halfway through its hours of service? Click here for the answer!

Having spent my entire life living right outside (and working within) DC, I start the episode by paying tribute to “Mayor for Life” Marion Barry, who passed over the weekend, and talk about what it’s like when your first memories of a political nature are of your mayor getting arrested for smoking crack in a hotel with his mistress.

The rest of the episode is me fighting the good fight, or at least rallying against SUNdeVICH, a sub shop in DC that ran out of bread and shuttered their doors more than four hours before their listed closing time, then had the gall to give me crap about me calling them out for it on Twitter. I will never do much to help another human being in any meaningful way in this world. I’ve accepted that. But, so help me God, if I can keep even one hungry person from showing up at a sandwich shop that finds it acceptable to routinely run out of bread hours before its scheduled closing time, I’ll have accomplished something in this world.

Click here to listen to this episode using your browser. Click here to listen using the much nicer iTunes player (and subscribe to the show to help our ranking). And mobile users click here to listen via the Stitcher app. (You can subscribe there as well and never miss an episode.)

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