One of the only scenes of these two where they aren't going at it. God bless OITNB.

One of the only scenes of these two where they aren’t going at it. God bless OITNB.

We discuss the amazing The Mountain and the Viper episode of Game of Thrones, the long-awaited return of Orange Is the New Black and the fact that Allison’s grandmother posed for Playboy back in the day. Listen to the episode, learn her name, Google her up then leave a comment telling us you jacked to her to creep Allison out. Yay!

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A stool sample someone left after eating beats that was ejaculated upon. Or a Dunkin Donuts red velvet cupcake. Either or.

A stool sample someone left after eating beats that was ejaculated upon. Or a Dunkin Donuts red velvet cupcake. Either or.

I relay a story that should scare anyone away from the toilet that is Dunkin Donuts.

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Built to comfortably align with all those naturally occurring right angles in the human hand.

Built to comfortably align with all those naturally occurring right angles in the human hand.

Look, I’m not autistic: I didn’t do 60 minutes on how uncomfortable original NES controllers were. But it is part of the episode. And I’ll take any excuse I can get to use a nostalgic image as the episode’s photo. We also talk about idiot Tori Spelling broadcasting her rapidly decaying marriage to Dean McDermott, if you’d want to know if your significant other was cheating on you, and Allison going on vacations with complete strangers, proving she’s Kramer with a vagina.

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It's a good thing he killed himself, because, with lips like that, prison would have been hell for Elliot Rodger.

It’s a good thing he killed himself, because, with lips like that, prison would have been hell for Elliot Rodger.

We play the video of Elliot Rodger’s “final manifesto” and mock its cringe-worthy trite prose on-air. Oh, and the massive belch at the beginning of the episode is Allison’s not mine. That’s why it is gross and shocking.

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Aww, doesn't she look innocent and adorable? She's probably cozying up to watch a Disney princess movie.

Aww, doesn’t she look innocent and adorable? She’s probably cozying up to watch a Disney princess movie.

Farrah Abraham’s latest post of Memorial Day Month (that’s not a typo – it’s how she referred to the day) will leave you stunned by her stupidity. We talk about other celeb sex tapes (cough Chyna cough), the piece of shit known as Elliot Rodger, our accidentally dirty episode that went to air and how we spent our Memorial Day Months on the latest Papa’s Basement.

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The inspiration for Macklemore's Thrift Shop costume.

The inspiration for Macklemore’s Thrift Shop costume.

Macklemore has landed himself in hot water with God’s chosen people by wearing a costume that even Hitler would have found a bit exaggerated. Not to mention rabbis in New York have been spreading herpes to infants after chopping their foreskins off. All in all, not a good week to play for Team Moses.

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Reviewing Godzilla Without Having Seen It

by John Papa on May 16, 2014

Godzilla films have never been known for their special effects budget.

Godzilla films have never been known for their special effects budget.

The appeal of Godzilla has always eluded me. Even as a kid, I realized it was campy dogshit with horrid special effects. And I’ve never been one to enjoy something I was aware was of a poor quality: If you’re getting a toothy blowjob, you don’t think to yourself, “Wow, she is hilariously horrible at this! Awesome!” No, you make an excuse to get the Hell out of there and hope you don’t draw back a stump that resembles the Kitner boy after Jaws was done with him.

So I can’t say I much give a shit to see Godzilla, even if countless nerds are jacking it to this new flick because it, according to so many of them, rights the “wrongs” of the 1998 version starring Ferris Bueller. I guess the prevailing logic is that the ’98 film’s giant, walking lizard looked gaytarded and this new walking, giant lizard is really cool. Given I was up half the night playing with Skylanders, I suppose my condemnation of this nerdiness is quite glass houses, but, as the women who aren’t sleeping with you will assuredly attest to, these flicks are all the same crap. Stop acting like they dug up Stanley Kubrick to direct this thing.

Oh, and have some national pride. Your grandfather didn’t get punji sticks rammed through his scrotum while taking Okinawa so you could stroke your chubby little nerd choad to the monster movies of the enemy. Instead, enjoy Pacific Rim on HBO Go. It’s free and won’t spit in the face of the boys who died to keep the stars and bars flying over Hawaii, you Honda-driving, Tojo-loving piece of trash. Didn’t you learn anything from Bugs Bunny?

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Rob Lowe Never Ages — Papa’s Basement #392

by John Papa on May 15, 2014

A picture of Rob Lowe at age 67. How does the guy do it?!

A picture of Rob Lowe at age 67. How does the guy do it?!

Allison, my cohostess, is functionally illiterate. So it’s big news when she manages to limp her way through Thomas the Tank Engine much less a real novel. But she’s somehow making headway into Rob Lowe’s Stories I Only Tell My Friends and gushes about the man for half of the episode. I swear it makes for better listening than it sounds like it does. By now, you know none of these episode descriptions have anything to do with the real contents of the episode. I could title this one “Bunny Goes Whoopsies” and I’m sure it would pertain to the episode in some way or another. Just listen to two friends talking and having fun and hopefully you’ll have fun too. If not, you might have Asperger’s (which we all wish in our hearts was spelled “ass burgers”). I’m not sure.

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And they say gays and football don't mix...

And they say gays and football don’t mix.

Blah blah, Michael Sam drafted by the St. Louis Rams: What everyone was really shocked by was the kiss Sam delivered to his boyfriend after the selection. We talk about that, Tye Marini’s #Miiquality story that has led some to paint Nintendo as homophobic and Ask Men’s “10 Things Men Shouldn’t Do After 30″ list on the latest episode of Papa’s Basement.

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You will never see this symbol the same way again after listening to this episode.

You will never see this symbol the same way again after listening to this episode.

My cohostess Allison reveals that, as a woman, she is bombarded via text and social media with pictures of penises from men she has barely spoken to. What’s even funnier, some of them are really, really ugly. Is this a common occurrence? Do women get subjected to this all over the place? I want to know, dammit! We also discuss the idiot in NYC who kicked a poor stray cat and what happens to my horribly malfunctioning brain when I quit my SAM-E supplement.

Click here to listen to this episode using your browser. Click here to listen using the much nicer iTunes player (and subscribe to the show to help our ranking). And mobile users click here to listen via the Stitcher app. (You can subscribe there as well and never miss an episode.)

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