The only thing more Baltimore than John Waters and Divine is Cal Ripken, Jr., beating Kevin Costner for banging his wife.

The only thing more Baltimore than John Waters and Divine is Cal Ripken, Jr., beating Kevin Costner for banging his wife.

It’s not something you expect to do during the course of a comedic broadcast. I wanted to talk about the Mayweather – Pacquiao fight (crap). Discuss the new British princess. Get into how all little boys are pyromaniacs and we never grow out of it as men. But, somewhere in the last ten minutes of the show, the subject of the death of Freddie Gray comes up and, well…I solve all of America’s economic and race problems. I’m not trying to brag! It just happened! Click and enjoy the show and just know that the last ten minutes will give you wisdom unparallelled. Yes, this is a cheap ploy to get you to listen, but it isn’t like the rest of the show is a steaming pile of turds, so just do it, already.

(On a note unrelated to the show, if you want to do the Lord’s work and donate to the Kickstarter fund for my comic, The Spookies, you can do so by clicking here. The rewards for doing so are really incredible and delivered in a very timely manner, so please, if you can, contribute. Thanks!)

Click here to listen to the episode in your browser window. Click here to listen using iTunes, where you can also subscribe to the show and leave feedback on the show, which helps our iTunes ranking and will get us rich and powerful. And mobile users click here to listen and subscribe via the Stitcher app.

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I'm not a big comic fan, but I'm pretty sure Ultron didn't have a face like a cyborg burn victim.

I’m not a big comic fan, but I’m pretty sure Ultron didn’t have a face like a cyborg burn victim.

So they’re still making this comic book crap. Are people not sick of this yet? This is starting to feel like those 80s blacksploitation films that didn’t know they were about ten years late to the party. Let’s get this review of 2015’s Action Jackson over with.

I saw the original Avengers movie when it released on Netflix. And, while this site makes me sound like a contrarian cunt for the most part, I didn’t go into the movie wanting to hate it. My triumph was going to be that I saved money on the cost of tickets and could turn to my geek friends who jerked themselves raw to the flick like a tween who discovered dad’s porn stash and say, “Hey, that Avengers flick? Not half bad.” Then, while they were all hyped up and recounting scenes they loved from the film, I’d go through their fridge and get a free meal. Small victories.

Instead, I was treated to 143 minutes of “what the fuck am I missing here?” It’s a rare moment when I can’t appreciate the big movie of a given summer. I found The Dark Knight overrated, but I’ll be damned if I didn’t watch it five times in HBO. ID4 is still a big-time guilty pleasure. But The Avengers did nothing for me. Looking back, I remember exactly one thing from it: That creepy, foot-loving director Joss Whedon found a way to keep Scarlett Johansson shoeless for the entirety of her first scene. Fucking foot guys get away with murder because women are almost relieved to have someone starting at something other than their t&a for five seconds. Had I directed the film, the Black Widow’s costume would have consisted of Japanese bondage ropes around her big, fat tits and I’d have been branded a pervert. It’s a broken system.

Actually, I also remember laughing my ass off at having to pretend that the Avengers, if they were real, would have let the three assholes who didn’t have superpowers join the club. Because I know if I’m Thor, an immortal god of thunder, the only thing letting me sleep better at night is the knowledge that a guy with a bow and arrow has got my back. How often must they have had this exchange:

THOR: Hey, Hawkeye, I’m going to go take out the huge, all-powerful bad guy. Can you pick off some of his minions or something? You know, earn your keep a little?

HAWKEYE: Sorry, Thor. Those minions are armor-covered. I left all of my armor-piercing arrows at home today!

THOR: You worthlessness is infinite.

In the original Terminator film, Skynet didn’t think to itself, “To kill Sarah Connor, we are sending back in time an unstoppable robotic predator…and this mildly out of shape Spanish guy named Chuy. Because, you know, two are better than one.” Sometimes, less is more.

Which brings us to Avengers: Age of Ultron. If you liked the first Avengers film, hey, enjoy the two-plus hour commercial for whatever Marvel has coming out next summer. I’m convinced 80% of the people going to see these flicks are doing it just to nerd-bate their way through the closing credits as they smile to their friends and declare, “We aren’t leaving yet: There’s an Easter egg after this finishes rolling!” No fucking shit there is! There has been a teaser for the next Marvel movie to take your ten bucks at the end of the Marvel movie that just took your ten bucks for the last decade! Stop acting like you are fucking Hercule Poirot for remembering it! Even my stupid cats can predict when they’re getting fed if I do it at the same time every day, and they have brains the size of an apricot.

Go watch Ex Machina instead this weekend Avengers: Age of Ultron. It looks smarter and it’s R-rated, so maybe you see the robot’s perky tin jugs or something.

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This will actually be Bruce Jenner's second transition: He spent the first 20 years of his life as Link from The Legend of Zelda.

This will actually be Bruce Jenner’s second transition: He spent the first 18 years of his life as Link from The Legend of Zelda.

Thank God nothing happened recently in a major American city, or the contents of this podcast might have seemed a little dated! Phew! Co-hostess Eva and I discuss the Diane Sawyer interview of Bruce Jenner and our reactions to it (hint: I was moved in ways that, when you hear me describe them, you won’t be able to stop laughing at). So give the episode a play and tell your friends. If they don’t like it, you’ll know that they are no friend at all and that you should sever all ties.

(On a note unrelated to the show, if you want to do the Lord’s work and donate to the Kickstarter fund for my comic, The Spookies, you can do so by clicking here. The rewards for doing so are really incredible and delivered in a very timely manner, so please, if you can, contribute. Thanks!)

Click here to listen to the episode in your browser window. Click here to listen using iTunes, where you can also subscribe to the show and leave feedback on the show, which helps our iTunes ranking and will get us rich and powerful. And mobile users click here to listen and subscribe via the Stitcher app.

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Give My Comic Your Money

by John Papa on April 23, 2015

What can I say? I've always had a weakness for penning high-brow humor.

What can I say? I’ve always had a weakness for penning high-brow humor.

Those of you frequenting this site (barring the ones who came in via Google thinking it’s some sort of BDSM sex dungeon thing based on the name) are aware of my radio show and podcast. But did you also know that I write a comic? It’s true! The Spookies just hit its second year, and I’m looking once again for a few bucks to print off physical copies of the comic in order to go out and sell them at various comic conventions (where I can also ogle women dressed as Batgirl or Sexy Wolverine, so it’s a good deal all around).

Unlike most Kickstarter campaigns hitting you up for money, my artist and I have already reached our goal. In fact we reached it after 48 hours, meaning that dummy probably should have asked for more money. But that’s okay, because the awards we’re giving out for contributing are great and still worth chipping in a few bucks for. If nothing else, click the link to watch a really well edited and funny video of me asking for your loot. Because who doesn’t want to feel better about themselves by watching a peer beg?

Click this link to go to The Spookies Kickstarter and watch the vid/donate!

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Britt McHenry — Papa’s Basement 447

by John Papa on April 21, 2015

Is there a more sympathetic figure than a towering blonde boldly declaring her Germanic heritage? Nein!

Is there a more sympathetic figure than a towering blonde boldly declaring her Germanic heritage? Nein!

Britt McHenry is a former DC-area sports reporter who graduated to ESPN about a year ago. This week, she landed a one-week suspension for getting caught on tape berating an attendant who worked for the towing company that nabbed her vehicle. As far as people I feel for go, I’m not sure who’s lower on the totem pole: The statuesque blonde who’s probably gotten every break in the book since age 14 due to her looks or the employee of a predatory towing company. Co-hostess Eva reenacts the audio of Miss McHenry (whom she is now in love with, by the way) on-air, and we also cover a veterinarian who shot a cat in the head with an arrow and then posted a photo of her deed on Facebook. The stupid bitch somehow thought it was a good idea. Because, you know, the Internet doesn’t have a hardon for cats or anything. But yeah, that’s what people who bring sick cats to you for treatment want to see, idiot. As Jesus once said to Paul after a fight with Mary Magdalene, “Boy, would I like to choke out that cunt.”

(On a note unrelated to the show, if you want to do the Lord’s work and donate to the Kickstarter fund for my comic, The Spookies, you can do so by clicking here. The rewards for doing so are really incredible and delivered in a very timely manner, so please, if you can, contribute. Thanks!)

Click here to listen to the episode in your browser window. Click here to listen using iTunes, where you can also subscribe to the show and leave feedback on the show, which helps our iTunes ranking and will get us rich and powerful. And mobile users click here to listen and subscribe via the Stitcher app.

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Virgin Tales — Papa’s Basement 446

by John Papa on April 14, 2015

Aka the story of my high school years. Hiyo!

Aka the story of my high school years. Hiyo!

There’s something wonderful about documentaries. Somehow, they make you feel like you’re learning something even though you’re just sitting on your ass watching the tube. After gushing about my love for recent HBO efforts Going Clear and The Jinx, co-hostess Eva tells the story of Virgin Tales, a documentary she saw the other night on the world of Purity Balls and Evangelicals going the whole chastity route. If you’ve ever wanted to hear two people summarize TV so you don’t have to watch it, boy, do I have an episode for you!

(On a note unrelated to the show, if you want to do the Lord’s work and donate to the Kickstarter fund for my comic, The Spookies, you can do so by clicking here. The rewards for doing so are really incredible and delivered in a very timely manner, so please, if you can, contribute. Thanks!)

Click here to listen to the episode in your browser window. Click here to listen using iTunes, where you can also subscribe to the show and leave feedback on the show, which helps our iTunes ranking and will get us rich and powerful. And mobile users click here to listen and subscribe via the Stitcher app.

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The C & O Show — Papa’s Basement 445

by John Papa on April 10, 2015

I apologize for the photo being 16 square pixels. It was the only copy of the imaging that C & O used for their show that  I could find.

I apologize for the photo being 16 pixels, square. It was the only copy of the imaging that C & O used for their show that I could find.

My time in professional radio was mostly spent off-mic earning less than anyone born in this country should legally be allowed to earn, but that doesn’t mean it was all bad. One of the better things to come out of it was meeting Othello B and Chris “Blue Shorts” Lingebach (click for their Twitter pages), who hosted the appropriately named C & O Show during the time we spent together at DC-area sports station 106.7 The Fan. They had a great chemistry and I’m not sure they have been together on-mic ever since, so it made me happy they got to have a show reunion of sorts last weekend, which we recorded. It’s a little chaotic, but I think you’ll enjoy. And if you don’t, you can ask me for a refund. Oh, wait, I give this all away for free. Parasites.

(On a note unrelated to the show, if you want to do the Lord’s work and donate to the Kickstarter fund for my comic, The Spookies, you can do so by clicking here. The rewards for doing so are really incredible and delivered in a very timely manner, so please, if you can, contribute. Thanks!)

Click here to listen to the episode in your browser window. Click here to listen using iTunes, where you can also subscribe to the show and leave feedback on the show, which helps our iTunes ranking and will get us rich and powerful. And mobile users click here to listen and subscribe via the Stitcher app.

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Trevor Noah — Papa’s Basement 444

by John Papa on April 6, 2015

I like when comedians make silly faces. That's how I know they're supposed to be funny. Sincerely, a very stupid man.

I like when comedians make silly faces. That’s how I know they’re supposed to be funny. Sincerely, a very stupid man.

Trevor Noah, the choice to replace Jon Stewart as host of The Daily Show, quickly drew a cavalcade of manufactured outrage at a few Tweets he fired off regarding Jewish people running show business (you might as well get someone in trouble for mentioning the NBA is kinda black) and fat girls looking forward to the weekend because that’s when people would get drunk and thus sleep with them (heh). Co-host Eva and I laugh at how a comedian I learned of when he was championed by the left 18 months ago for being a successful biracial chap is now being devoured by them for not being tolerant enough. Because, you know, tolerance involves crucifying anyone who has ever said anything that anyone could be remotely offended by. Yay, tolerance! We also get into how April Fool’s Day has ruined the Internet. It’s a good episode. Nay, a great episode. So strap on your skates, Gretsky: You’re going in.

(On a note unrelated to the show, if you want to do the Lord’s work and donate to the Kickstarter fund for my comic, The Spookies, you can do so by clicking here. The rewards for doing so are really incredible and delivered in a very timely manner, so please, if you can, contribute. Thanks!)

Click here to listen to the episode in your browser window. Click here to listen using iTunes, where you can also subscribe to the show and leave feedback on the show, which helps our iTunes ranking and will get us rich and powerful. And mobile users click here to listen and subscribe via the Stitcher app.

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Reviewing Get Hard Without Having Seen it

by John Papa on March 30, 2015

Fact: Despite being roughly 3'6", Kevin Hart has a titanic dick. This is actually true, not just me making some crap up. So, if you want to be depressed today, you can think about how a guy who doesn't come up to your shoulders has a penis roughly the size of his forearm, yet you of a human height may very well be packing a taquito. Goddammit.

Fact: Despite being approximately 4’6″, Kevin Hart has a titanic dick. This is actually true, and not me just making some crap up. So every time you think you’re better than him despite his wealth and fame because you could breastfeed him while standing up, remember he has the girth to clog a toilet.

Black people hate Will Ferrell like his birth name was Slavery Lynch’em. I have a friend named Rich who is, for lack of a better way of putting it, traditionally white in many of his mannerisms. He owns a Green Lantern shirt. His car contains Metallica CDs. He openly acknowledges OJ’s guilt. But bring up Will Ferrell and his genial smile fades, his head slowly shaking like he just heard a statue was being built in memory of James Earl Ray.

I’m not sure why such a racial divide exists when it comes to Mr. Ferrell, but it’s there. The Redskins will hoist the Lombardi Trophy once again before you hear a brother utter the words “scotchy scotch scotch.” Which is why I’m fascinated by Get Hard, a $40 million project to sell Will Ferrell to black people. Like one puts cheese around a pill to feed it to a pet, a studio decided that it was time to wrap the cheese of Kevin Hart around Mr. Ferrell and shove him down my buddy Rich’s throat. Why are studios taking the time to make black people like Will Ferrell? Who knows. Maybe a Talladega Nights sequel is in the works and they didn’t want to make a second movie that had as much appeal to the black community as the NHL playoffs.

The concept of the film is inane, even by comedic standards. From what I gather, Will Ferrell is going to prison and assumes that Kevin Hart, being black, has done time. Ferrell offers Hart a bunch of money to teach him how to survive prison, and Hart obliges because apparently this movie fights stereotypes by depicting a black guy duping a white guy out of his money via chicanery. Now, I’m no penologist, but I have watched my share of Oz reruns, and I think the only shot to surviving prison that a white guy has involves multiple Swastika tattoos and learning what “HH/88″ and “14 words” mean with a quickness. But I’m going to trust my gut and assume that the movie isn’t Kevin Hart teaching Will Ferrell about white power (as hilarious as that could have been.) So what goes on in this movie is beyond me.

Actually, it isn’t beyond me. I bet Will Ferrell learns a few lessons about “real life” from Kevin Hart, the audience is subjected to some wannabe heartfelt bullshit and, in the end, the unlikely duo becomes friends. Do yourself a favor and wait until this one is on HBO in a year so you can watch 15 minutes of it and then go back to reruns of M*A*S*H on Netflix. The one good thing I can say about this abortion is that it probably will bring together black and white people who go to the movies to view it together, though only for the amount of time it takes to burn a projector screen and 150 theater chairs to the ground.

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Kaylee — Papa’s Basement 443

by John Papa on March 27, 2015

Meet Kaylee, See, she isn't just a figment of my tortured psyche!

Meet Kaylee, See, she isn’t just a figment of my tortured psyche!

Co-host Howard, whom you may remember, has a fiancee. And that fiancee has a dog. A dog named Kaylee. While Howie and his better half tend to matters elsewhere, trust and care of Kaylee has fallen into the hands of yours truly, a cat man since the day of my birth. What is it like when pet worlds collide? Join me and co-hostess Eva as we discuss the ups and downs of dog care, the unwritten rules of what one can do in an abode when housesitting and Angelina Jolie getting her lady parts yanked on the latest Papa’s Basement. Oh, and if you enjoy the show, please use your web browser (not your smartphone, as that won’t work) to find the show’s iTunes page and leave a positive review. Apple makes it so you need a PhD in order to figure out how to do it, but given my audience is nothing but Indian doctors, I think I’ll be fine.

Click here to listen to the episode in your browser window. Click here to listen using iTunes, where you can also subscribe to the show and leave feedback on the show, which helps our iTunes ranking and will get us rich and powerful. And mobile users click here to listen and subscribe via the Stitcher app.

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