Dear women with bangs: No matter how pretty you are, you all look like the girl in kindergarten who couldn’t be trusted with scissors.
I will never understand the appeal of 50 Shades of Grey. Well, I will, but it saddens me to think that millions of suburban housewives across the country are right now donning their sleep masks, asking their bored husbands to give them a swat across their spread-out office drone asses and then running off to titter to their gal pals that they were just dominated and they loved it. While I haven’t read or seen 50 Shades of Grey, I guarantee you’ll learn as much about domination from it as Pirates of the Caribbean can teach you about historical piracy. And you want to know why all of this hits so near and dear to my enlarged, cholesterol-ravaged heart? Because I do love me some S&M.
Let me clarify that last part before moving forward: I’m not talking creepy, “bring out the Gimp” bondage. Just old fashioned hair pulling, spanking and rough banging (PS – women love it when you refer to sex using that word). With me being the dominant partner, by the way. If the girl’s in charge of you, that’s gayer than two guys inserting their cocks in your ass simultaneously and then pulling them in different directions to gape you à la the fingers in this kid’s mouth. Which is fine if that’s your bag, of course.
In all seriousness, that it’s some sort of revelation to much of the country that a lot of women enjoy being dominated shocks me. Did my generation learn nothing from Ludacris? If you aren’t smacking a woman’s ass harder than Patton striking the face of a cowardly soldier while screwing, what exactly are you doing? Maintaining unbroken eye contact as you slowly run your fingers through her hair and the strains of “No Ordinary Love” play in the background? Merely typing that made me softer than overcooked ramen.
Returning to 50 Shades of Grey, all I can say of its central premise is that it’s asinine. A college girl (and virgin, natch) named Ana Steele starts working for young, handsome billionaire Christian Grey, who gets her to sign a sexual non-disclosure contract before introducing her to his sex room, which I assume contains assorted bindings and blindfolds. I got bored and stopped reading the book’s Wikipedia page at this point, but I can only assume because this piece of shit has mass-market appeal that: 1. Things really never get that rough, with maybe some spanking and mild restraint and 2. Christian’s heart starts to melt due to the earnest feelings that Ana holds for him and he falls for her in a way he’s never fallen for any woman before.
Let’s begin my list of problems with everything listed in that previous paragraph. First, the names. Holy shit. Gay porn star Go-Go Harder has a name that’s less on the nose than those two. Also, a very attractive 21-year-old woman who’s still a virgin probably has horrible anxiety disorder or otherwise freaks out every time a guy hits on her. Meaning a pushy-as-shit boardroom titan is probably going to have less of a chance of deflowering her than some chatroom nerd. And for the record, no handsome, young billionaire is getting hung up on any woman. With loot and looks like that, he can have Kate Upton licking his asshole like it is the last piece of an ice cream cone and there is a little froyo still stuck at the bottom.
Odds are, however, that Christian Grey would be way more into being dominated than doing the dominating. I mean isn’t it always politicians, movie stars and other wealthy guys that are used to getting their way who are found to be paying some dominatrix to shove things in their ass and call them a slut while they have cigarettes put out on their nipples? So, while I could definitely see the guy making women sign a contract before playing around with him, it’s way more likely said contract would contain verbiage along the lines of, “please don’t tell anyone that I had you drop a deuce on my chiseled abs before queening me for an hour.”
The only good thing I can say about 50 Shades of Grey is you apparently see Dakota Johnson, daughter of Melanie Griffith and Don Johnson, naked an utter fuck-ton, and who doesn’t enjoy nude Hollywood royalty? Plus, sleeping with her would be awesome because you could always say, “Hey, I hope you shaved down there this time: I don’t want it looking like your dad’s face circa Miami Vice again.” You’d probably get dumped immediately for that, but it would be worth it.