Ahhhhpril faaaahls. (If you don't get the reference, tweet me and I'll explain it.)

Ahhhhpril faaaahls. (If you don’t get the reference, tweet me and I’ll explain it.)

We record on April Fool’s Day, aka the worst holiday of the year. Topics include why we hate it, how Allison managed to get our show kicked off our timeslot with its dirty talk, if Morgan Spurlock is played out and a reading of the names of all those who have contributed to The Spookies Kickstarter.

Thank you to the following folks for contributing to the aforementioned Kickstarter:

@mondo270
@GBCSwim
@zoramae8
@frakkingawesome
@y_i_y_a
@robothive

Want your name on Papa’s Basement? Click here to contribute to The Spookies Kickstarter. Thanks!

Click here to listen to this episode using your browser. Click here to listen using the much nicer iTunes player (and subscribe to the show to help our ranking). And mobile users click here to listen via the Stitcher app. (You can subscribe there as well and never miss an episode.)

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Reviewing Noah Without Having Seen It

by admin on March 28, 2014

Russell Crowe working on blueprints for the ark in Noah.

Russell Crowe working on blueprints for the ark in Noah.

This is why Noah will tank: Most people who aren’t at least moderately Christian will avoid it for a lack of interest in the subject matter. A guy gets a bunch of CGI animals onto a CGI ark and endures a CGI flood? Sounds like Captain Planet: The Movie. However, the Christians who do go to view the film will be pissed because it seeks to portray a realistic Noah and, apparently, the real Noah was something of a drunken asshole (at least according to the film’s director, Darren Aronofsky). And I don’t think anyone deep in a faith enjoys having figures from their faith portrayed as anything less than Captain America.

It’s like making a movie called Santa Keeps It Real: Only little kids are going to buy tickets, and they’re going to be horrified when they watch Santa dump his load in a bunch of single moms every Christmas Eve and scream at his elves that he’s going to replace them with Mexicans if they don’t hurry up. (Immediately after typing these words I remembered that the movie Bad Santa exists and that: 1. No kids thought it was a movie for them and 2. It was a huge hit. So let that serve testament to how much faith you should put in either my memory or my acumen.)

Maybe I’m wrong and a bunch of hardcore Christians are going to be hunky-dory with a Jewish dude who once directed Jennifer Connelly as she took a double-headed dildo bringing a beloved Biblical story to the screen. I just don’t see how anyone but them is going to be drawn to watch this movie and how they’ll be okay with what the movie depicts. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe it’ll go over like gangbusters, the same way comic book movies have gotten darker over the years to soaring profits. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must go back to listening to Mercyful Fate’s first album because it rocked and I’m just learning that at age 33. So many wasted years…

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The Spookies can teach you ladies everything you need to know about a man.

The Spookies can teach you ladies everything you need to know about a man.

Because making fun of lists like this never gets old, we dig through “50 Things Every Woman Should Realize About Men” and see if there is any validity to it whatsoever. We also cover the Kickstarter campaign for my webcomic, The Spookies. (Click here to see a video of me schilling and also to donate, which would be much appreciated.) And we get into listening to metal as a youngster and how it probably kept me from getting laid for a long, long time.

Please click this link to support The Spookies!

Click here to listen to this episode using your browser. Click here to listen using the much nicer iTunes player (and subscribe to the show to help our ranking). And mobile users click here to listen via the Stitcher app. (You can subscribe there as well and never miss an episode.)

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When you're a big fat fatty, this is the biggest landmark in all of Philadelphia.

When you’re a big fat fatty, this is the biggest landmark in all of Philadelphia.

The missus and I go on a trip to Philadelphia to eat the city’s best sandwiches because I’m a slob and I can Google a picture of the Rocky statue without having to climb the god-dang steps. I also wonder if Wes Anderson’s newest film is exactly like every one of his other films, explain why bacon — despite what hipsters would insist — sucks, and hear from a broadcast idol of mine by the name of Buzz Burbank. So if you’re wondering just what the best sandwich in Philadelphia is or if we viewers will be treated to more deadpan humor and 70s rock music in The Grand Budapest Hotel, click for all the answers you could ever hope to have.

Click here to listen to this episode or press the play button at the bottom of the post. (Or be a real help and enjoy Papa’s Basement via iTunes by clicking here, where you can subscribe to the show and rate it.)

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When this man tells me robots are about to take our jobs, I tend to listen.

When this man tells me robots are about to take our jobs, I tend to listen.

The future is really bleak. I’m not just saying that as a pessimist, either. Think about it: Technology is taking jobs by the day and the world’s population is growing exponentially. Something’s going to give. Apparently, Bill Gates and I are on the same page, which is terrifying, because he might have slightly more insight into where computers are going than even I do. Here all about why you should never have kids, more on Magic: the Gathering’s Crackgate and how we all should handle a dying Fred Phelps on the latest Papa’s Basement.

Click here to listen to this episode or press the play button at the bottom of the post. (Or be a real help and enjoy Papa’s Basement via iTunes by clicking here, where you can subscribe to the show and rate it.)

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I'd give the one on the right my baloney brony any day.

I’d give the one on the right my baloney brony any day.

A North Carolina boy was barred from wearing his My Little Pony backpack to school because the facility readily admitted it wouldn’t be able to control the abuse aimed his way. Should they be able to do that? Or should a kid be able to freely walk the halls in whatever he or she feels like wearing? We also talk about “bronies,” aka male My Little Pony fans, have my mom sit down and co-host an episode for the first time and talk about Candace Cameron’s turn on Dancing With the Stars. ENJOY!

Click here to listen to this episode or press the play button at the bottom of the post. (Or be a real help and enjoy Papa’s Basement via iTunes by clicking here, where you can subscribe to the show and rate it.)

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One of several photos that Reddit user Lemaymaymaster, aka Sidney Blair, took next to the exposed butt cracks present at the Grand Prix Richmond Magic: the Gathering tournament.

One of several photos that Reddit user Lemaymaymaster took next to the exposed butt cracks present at the Grand Prix Richmond Magic: the Gathering tournament.

You know that scene in every action movie where the retired cop gets caught in the middle of a highjacking and his very presence screams out to all of us, “Chill the fuck out; I got this”? Well, as an avid Redditor and Magic: the Gathering player, when it comes to Crackgate, that’s exactly how I feel. The story has made it, in one form or another, all the way to TIME Magazine. But how much does the mainstream media really know or understand about what took place? Time for me to utter an “I’m getting too old for this shit” or two and start busting heads.

For those of you unaware, Crackgate is the cute title bestowed upon an incident in which Sidney Blair, a player of the Magic: the Gathering card game attended a recent, massive, tournament (yes, that geeky card game you saw played in the lunchroom has tournaments) in Richmond, VA and took photos of himself next to players with exposed asscracks. Blair then posted the photos on the website Reddit both in its /funny and /MagicTheGathering groups. The post went very, very viral and came to the attention of the DCI, the governing body of Magic’s tournaments (because some people actually make a living playing in these events), who quickly issued an 18-month tournament ban for Blair due to what they construed as bullying of players of their game as well as casting the Magic-playing community as a whole in a bad light. Blair hasn’t been heard from since, and Magic players have been plunged into debating whether or not his actions are deserving of punishment.

As I admitted above, I play Magic: the Gathering to this day. And I can absolutely and unequivocally state that its players like the ones photographed by Sidney Blair, and not players like Sidney Blair, that caused me to sell my physical collection of cards and jump to the game’s online counterpart back in 2003. For whatever reason, M:tG seems to attract only the most socially awkward of souls. I’m a geeky dude, and these guys made me feel like Lord Jock of Poonslaughterberg in their presence. Not to mention the level of acceptable hygiene in the average Magic playgroup was abysmal. It’s a shame, because it’s an incredibly well-designed game. But, for whatever reason, playing it always meant wading through a sea of putrid-smelling social retards and feeling really, really bad about myself for enjoying a game that seemed to only attract mutants.

Running into guys like Sidney was such a rare treat because so few people playing Magic: the Gathering seemed to possess a shred of social awareness and could laugh about what we saw around us instead of feeling like a part of it. I liken it to the moment Jack Nicholson hears Chief Bromden speak in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest: In an ocean of madness, by God, there was someone as sane as you! You could go outside and share a smoke and rag on people wearing furry tails or size XXXXXXL black trench coats or whatever other manner of vag repellant they had managed to adorn themselves with and feel a little less alone.

I’m going to leave you with this anecdote because I feel things are running long and I want to bring this bitch home: Back in 2002, I attended the Magic: the Gathering Virginia State Championship tournament which was held in the very same venue as Grand Prix Richmond. A few rounds into the affair, an incredibly slovenly homeless man wandered into the facility and over to the microphone that the tournament judges used to make announcements. He said “hello” a few times, then uttered the following: “Man, y’all motherfuckers stink! You some smelly motherfuckers!” With that, he walked off to frolic in the urine puddle from whence he came.
So the next time the great minds over at Wizards of the Coast (the Hasbro subsidiary that produces Magic) thinks that it needs to ban guys like Sidney Blair to keep its tournament experience from being off-putting, maybe it should also consider the fact that, when at such an event, the first reaction of a man who plucked his breakfast from a dumpster was to marvel at its odor.

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Here’s footage of commentator Brent Musburger appreciating a few Iowa State girls taking a selfie. This is apparently news because, to some, what Brent said was creepy and disgusting (which was also said by those same people when he ogled Jenn Sterger and former Alabama quarterback AJ McCarron’s girlfriend Katherine Webb.) Well, guess what folks: Just cause a dude is old, doesn’t mean his libido dies. In fact, if you’re lucky, it’ll live on like a memory of the Alamo.

These girls went to great lengths to look really good for their peers and anyone else who happened to see them when they went out to the game. Should Brent be forced to not acknowledge that and don a chastity cage and ball crusher like some cuckold because his virility makes some uncomfortable? Unless he orders security to pluck these girls from the audience so he can Multiple Miggs them or demand his prostate be milked by their tongues, I think we’re okay. What a sad, sexless, puritanical country this truly is. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go watch some Italian nip slips because apparently even a country that pow-wowed with the Nazis is cooler about sex than we are.

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The least-believable part of Breaking Bad was this was the hairline of a kid fresh out of high school.

The least-believable part of Breaking Bad was this was the hairline of a kid fresh out of high school.

No one is going to watch Need For Speed. It’s based on some racing video game franchise that I have no idea about because the only good franchises for sophisticated men of my advanced palate and years are Mario, Zelda and Castlevania. If a game series made its debut on the PlayStation or later, I would be as able to recognize it as a Palestinian is capable of quoting and appreciating Woody Allen films. And even if NFS were based on an older video game, who cares? All video game-based movies are putrid. It’s a hard and fast rule. Remember Doom? I’ll tell you one guy who hopes you don’t: This dude.

Need For Speed has to be hoping that people who loved Breaking Bad are going to check it out because it stars Aaron Paul, aka Jessie Pinkman, co-star of the series. Well, guess what? People watched Breaking Bad because it was good, not because it starred ol’ fivehead. If you’re going to try to pimp a folliclely-challenged heartthrob on me, dig up the corpse of Telly Savalas, that adorable Greek Nosferatu. Hell, by the end of BB, I found Jessie actively annoying. And it’s even worse now that some mongoloid or another is posting horribly unfunny “Science, bitch!” memes on my timeline every five minutes. So skip Need For Speed. Can you say, “Flop, bitch!”?

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NoFap — Papa’s Basement #375

by admin on March 13, 2014

He might be captain of a starship, but Jean-Luc Picard has control issues when it comes to keeping his hand off his junk.

He might be captain of a starship, but Jean-Luc Picard has control issues when it comes to keeping his hand off his junk.

Welcome to the NoFap movement–where porn and taking care of business are verboten. I discuss my experiences with it and just how blue my balls are currently, as well as the Malaysian flight MH 370 that, as of the airing of this episode, is still missing and how Facebook is flushing itself down the toilet with each progressively worse update.

Click here to listen to this episode or press the play button at the bottom of the post. (Or be a real help and enjoy Papa’s Basement via iTunes by clicking here, where you can subscribe to the show and rate it.)

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