On the Subject of the Ass

“When I think of asses…a woman’s ass…something comes out of me.”
Vincent Hanna, Heat


Speaking of my favorite movie quotes, the Pacino ass rant from Heat ranks right up there. Why am I mentioning it? While pissing away my life on one of my favorite sites, the gossip blog What Would Tyler Durden Do? (because I’m a mature adult and, while Libya burns, my only concern is the latest Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen updates), I came across this picture of Australian model Nicole Trunfio with a caption praising her ass like it was the invention of penicillin:



While it certainly isn’t a bad ass, and Nicole was kind enough to be born a brunette with darker features (the best kind of woman, gingers occupying the two slot), I could detect the paper tiger booty a mile away. You know what I’m talking about: Impressive from one angle, but approached from any other, it reveals itself to be flatter than a Chinese chest. Sure enough, when viewed dead on, the results were nothing spectacular:





Why am I discussing this subject? Because I feel a lot of people still don’t get what makes a great ass on a chick. Especially today’s youth, who didn’t have the benefit of growing up hearing “Baby Got Back” in constant rotation. (I learned more from that song than every Schoolyard Rock track combined.) A quality ass should stick out like a halved globe. It should strive for height (measured from the back of the thigh to the outermost point of ass cheek), volume (as in length times width times height, not audible farts), and be firm as the tyrannical rule of a fictional South American dictator in a 1980s action flick. This photo is currently the Zeus in my pantheon of ass shots:



Yes, Kim Kardashian’s turd cutter is the opposite of a paper tiger (it’s spellbinding from some angles, from others you realize how oddly shaped it is from the ass cheek implants), but in this picture, it’s a universal language. You know how we send probes into space with lists of prime numbers playing Beethoven’s 9th to communicate to any alien that may find it our intelligence and greatest achievements? This photo should be painted on the side of said probe like the Memphis Belle (who, coincidentally, also had a great fart vault). I don’t care if it’s discovered by a race not humanoid in the least: Ewoks could see this thing and I guarantee you it’d still give them red rockets.


I’ve prattled on long enough, and learning the ways of the ass is a pursuit that takes a lifetime to master, so let me leave you with a crash course in what are some of the better asses to have graced the face of this planet we call Earth in hopes that your studies may begin:


Scarlett Johansson-While the ScarJo ass seems to have whittled away to nothingness in recent years, casting it for the opening scene of Lost in Translation is the most brilliant move of Sophia Coppola’s directorial career.


Coco-Coco’s ass doesn’t get a fair shake. I feel she sticks it out almost too goddamn much, as if to say, “Hey, black guys, white girls can have one, too!” If she ever snapped a photo where she wasn’t arching her back like a goddamn Sasquatch was punching her spine, I bet it’d be ten times better looking.


Fergie-The resemblance to Kirstie Alley makes me think this one is a ticking time bomb, but in the meantime, it’s firm, it’s fit, and it’s probably hard as cement. Is that because her endocrine system pumps out titanic amounts of testosterone due to the presence of male genitalia? I don’t know, but the ass is good enough that I’m willing to find out.