Reviewing Noah Without Having Seen It

This is why Noah will tank: Most people who aren’t at least moderately Christian will avoid it for a lack of interest in the subject matter. A guy gets a bunch of CGI animals onto a CGI ark and endures a CGI flood? Sounds like Captain Planet: The Movie. However, the Christians who do go to view the film will be pissed because it seeks to portray a realistic Noah and, apparently, the real Noah was something of a drunken asshole (at least according to the film’s director, Darren Aronofsky). And I don’t think anyone deep in a faith enjoys having figures from their faith portrayed as anything less than Captain America.

It’s like making a movie called Santa Keeps It Real: Only little kids are going to buy tickets, and they’re going to be horrified when they watch Santa dump his load in a bunch of single moms every Christmas Eve and scream at his elves that he’s going to replace them with Mexicans if they don’t hurry up. (Immediately after typing these words I remembered that the movie Bad Santa exists and that: 1. No kids thought it was a movie for them and 2. It was a huge hit. So let that serve testament to how much faith you should put in either my memory or my acumen.)

Maybe I’m wrong and a bunch of hardcore Christians are going to be hunky-dory with a Jewish dude who once directed Jennifer Connelly as she took a double-headed dildo bringing a beloved Biblical story to the screen. I just don’t see how anyone but them is going to be drawn to watch this movie and how they’ll be okay with what the movie depicts. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe it’ll go over like gangbusters, the same way comic book movies have gotten darker over the years to soaring profits. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must go back to listening to Mercyful Fate’s first album because it rocked and I’m just learning that at age 33. So many wasted years…

Tagged as: Movie Review.