Well, it’s happened. Someone in my immediate circle has found the Peggy Bundy to his Al. My good friends Gerry Perez and Karly Davis are tying the knot. So why am I the one made nervous by it?
Gotta love a menu that asks a question with an exclamation point.
I’ve got a confession to make: In theory, I really dig the idea of marriage. Who wouldn’t want to come home to some beautiful person who loves them, makes them laugh and has, according to the law of man and God, said, “Hey, over all others, I’ve chosen you, ya schmuck”? Just imagining that scenario made me smile. I’ve been in love before, and it felt like I was full of amphetamines but without the death breath and limp Señor Peñor. You’re saying I could have that feeling the rest of my life and the woman involved has to admit to the world she’s legally obligated to sleep with me? Outstanding.
Just here because I referenced pancreatic cancer. Nobody puts Papa in a corner.
The problem with marriage is people enter into it without a clue about just how much effort it takes in the long run to keep it going, or even a single thought as to whether they’ll even want to keep it going once the passion of young love has cooled. Over 90% of the marriages I’ve seen have devolved into loveless standoffs, with the man staking his claim to the basement. The rest of the home is overrun by the wife and children that he would gleefully abandon if it weren’t for the legal costs involved precluding him from getting new trim once he got free. It conjures up images of Hitler cowering in his bunker, the Russian army conquering Berlin above him. What does it say about a scenario where you sympathize with Hitler? I hate sympathizing with Hitler. Where I come from, any time you speak the words “Poor, poor Hitler” something is terribly amiss.
Ironically, I was making the same face during this scene.
Given the way I’ve conducted my life thus far, this entire article has been moot. I’m so paralyzed by a childhood of hearing my parents fight over money that I wouldn’t want to get married without a six-figure income to my name (that sounds extreme until you hear Greeks fight. It gives you that same feeling as waking up to cats fighting in the middle of the night. Cats that use the Greek f-word). Not to mention that radio, the only job I have a chubby in my pants for, dooms you to a nomad life of jumping market to market, sleeping with the same overweight callers that the last guy who worked your shift did. Odds are, this is the last shred of Papageorgiou DNA that’ll ever pollute this side of the Atlantic. That sounds depressing, so I’ll leave you with a marriage-themed joke:Why do husbands always die before their wives? Because they want to. Bada bing.
To Gerry and Karly: May you two always live this high on the hog.
Any married folks or folks about to get married want to post comments about what life is like for them, I’m all ears.
{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
Wait till all of your closest friends are married and you get to be the 3rd, 5th, or 7th wheel at group events! Good times.
Hi John!
This is one of the most mature blogs I have read. It is very real and true. I think your daughter will only bang the basketball team if she reads what daddy has written in the past. And as for the fact for your daughter looking like you… thank god they have wax and plastic surgery. Hemorrhoids may be gross to you non married people but to us old married couples it just is another day in paradise. When most people get married it is for the “wedding” not the marriage. People use marriage to get what they want. Whether that be sex, money, kids or an out. I t may be gross to think about changing diapers or looking at your fat 9 month pregnant wifes butthole but when you put someone first and love that person none of these things matter…. you dont think twice. Good luck to your friends.
Some men also marry to have a “beard”. Not that that is Gerry’s reason… or is it?
If you’re lookin’ fer a wife ask yourself: Does Rich have a sister? Or a female cousin? Black olive children, John. Black olives for children.
Husbands always die before their wives because they do things that are less tolerable, and, one way or another, wives see fit to end it.
90% of marriages end up lustless and loveless because they started lustful and loveless, and some things you can only maintain so long before the day-to-day reality sets in. Personally, I only know of one married couple that I think really works, and I’m terrified one of them may die young because the universe can’t maintain something so out of balance as to have a genuinely happy couple.
There are reasons I ain’t married yet, either.
god did create a soulmate for you, john. he made me. and we would be married by now and probably picking out special private schools for our children, who would all be members of mensa except that pimley slipped in and stole me away. and that is why we both sucked in college, we suck in relationships and by ordinary standards of measurement we suck at life. i ruined it for both of us. sorry, man
…I forgive you, Bean. As does the unborn Virgil Alexander. What was the other make-believe kid name?