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Reviewing Last Vegas Without Having Seen It

admin November 1, 2013


A shot from Last Vegas depicting old men trying to see a vagina that has coursed with estrogen sometime this millennium. If they actually cheated in this movie, I'd be all for seeing it. But you know there's going to instead be an awful, "You're great, and 20 years ago I'd have put on a lobster bib and eaten your ass until dawn, but I love my wife" scene.
A shot from Last Vegas depicting the old guys trying to see a vagina that has coursed with estrogen sometime this millennium. If they actually cheated in this movie, I’d be all for seeing it. But you know there’s going to instead be an awful, “You’re great, and 20 years ago I’d have put on a lobster bib and eaten your ass until dawn, but I love my wife” scene. Which may or may not dovetail with the requisite Viagra scene Last Vegas will of course also contain.

Last Vegas scares the living piss out of me. Not because it’s spectacularly bad (it seems merely normally bad). No, Last Vegas represents more than a movie. It represents an idea. And that idea is a return to Kings of Comedy-itis.

Permit me to explain. The Original Kings of Comedy was a film Spike Lee directed in 2000. It featured Steve Harvey, D.L. Hughley, Cedric the Entertainer and Bernie Mac back performing standup before those guys were household names. The film was well-executed, a hit both within the black demo and outside it, and that’s where things should of ended. Except they didn’t.

Comedians eager to replicate the success of The Original Kings of Comedy treated us to (these are literally off the top of my head) The Original Latin Kings of Comedy, The Queens of Comedy, The Comedians of Comedy and Allah Made Me Funny (which doesn’t share the naming convention, but is a Muslim comedian version of the same movie). I bet if I sift through the discount bin at Petco there’s an Original Cats of Comedy disc to be found with some killer Garfield bits.

Last Vegas is nothing more than an elderly version of The Hangover. If it does well, Hollywood sure as hell isn’t going to stop there. Are you looking forward to Latin Hangover? Black Hangover? Chick Hangover? Because they will be a lock if Last Vegas makes a tidy profit.

Why is Vegas so mythologized, anyhow? Can’t these movies be set in New Orleans or some other godless toilet where normal behavioral mores are are ignored and everyone drinks too much and urinates on every wall in site like a territorial tomcat, much to the chagrin of locals? I’m not a gambler, so right there I could be missing the entire point of the city, but the highlights of my trip to Las Vegas were In-N-Out Burger and $20 lap dances where you could do everything short of have sex with the strippers. If a colon clogged with beef and a chaffed hardon are your idea of paradise, then, by all means, book that flight to Vegas stat, but I wasn’t exactly wowed.

If you’re a friend of mine and have the urge to watch Last Vegas, all I ask is that you 1. Don’t tell me you saw the film and 2. Don’t quote it in my presence. I want to be able to still look at you as a fellow human being.

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  1. Shar on November 1, 2013

    You have a few spelling errors. I took the liberty of counting and noting them in case you’re wondering.

    I hate ‘Last Vegas’ and everything it stands for. I only want to see men get wild in Vegas if one of those men is Bradley Cooper. Otherwise, I’ll pass. I hate old men, and I hate old men living like young men even more.

  2. Al on November 4, 2013

    They already did the chick version of The Hangover……. Bridesmaids.
    Yeah, the Hangover was decent. Unfortunately you’re right. Since Hollywood rarely comes up with anything original it takes one successful movie/concept ( A Bachelor Party Road Trip to Las Vegas) and then doles out some sequels and then hits other subgenre when the sequels burn the original franchise out or if they need something direct to DVD/VOD.

    Of course evcen the Hangover has been done before, see Bachelor Party as a perfect example or even Road Trip.

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