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Reviewing The Hunger Games: Catching Fire Without Having Seen It

admin November 22, 2013


"Sex me without a condom and you gonna be catching all kinds of fire, gurl."
“Sheeeeit, sex me without a condom and you gonna be catching all kinds of fire, gurl.”

I never read The Hunger Games because I’m not two years removed from getting my first period. I also dodged the film adaptation until it randomly popped up on Netflix (which was unexpected because Netflix prides itself on getting one current, big-budget movie a year and I thought they had already blown their wad with Drive). Even if I wasn’t bowled over by the flick, it did a few semi-artsy things for a blockbuster, which was nice. The worst part about it were the character names, and it’s not like director Gary Ross could have changed those. Note to anyone gunning for a teen market–Don’t let one character’s name rhyme with “cat piss” and the other sound like he’s a British kid toucher (the Brits pronounce it “pee-dough-file,” as illustrated in that lovely Peep Show clip).

Catching Fire begins where Hunger Games left off. Where that is, I have no idea. I think Catpiss and Paedo are now stars and he wants to bang her because hey, it’s Jennifer Lawrence and who wouldn’t. She, however, doesn’t want to touch his Howdy Doody looking pecker, which is understandable. Meanwhile, the weird, 1984-esque world they live in feels inspired by the compassion displayed by Jennifer when only killing some of her fellow kids during the Hunger Games, and so they’re now running around the street like the Detroit Pistons just won the championship and burning the motherfucker to the ground. And of course this guy is still old and still refusing to show us the buns of steel we’ve so missed lo these many years.

I hope Catching Fire is eventually on HBO because I want something to justify me paying for that channel after the soulrape that Eastbound & Down‘s fourth season was, and I sure as hell ain’t coughing up to see this one in the theater. Unless the girlfriend wishes to, in which case, that’s exactly what I will do. I’m courageous like that. If you’re trying to have sex with a young, possibly illegally so woman, then Catching Fire is sure to please.

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