History’s Ugliest Dictators

A few days ago, I thought to myself, “Is a face like an old hound dog’s asshole a prerequisite for being a dictator?” Why would I think such a thing? Well, because I’ve been seeing this in the news for the past few months.

So how could I not think it? As it turns out, the answer to my question seems to be “yes”. So let’s celebrate some of the butt-fugliest dictators to ever smash us under their iron fists.

The inspiration for this list, Muammar Gaddafi earns a slot because his face looks like it’s in the process of melting off his skull, as if he gazed inside the Ark of the Covenant years ago and things are just taking a really long time to finish. If you took a scoop of coffee ice cream, stuck a Mr. Potato Head nose in it, dropped it on the floor of a barber shop then left it in the sun, you’d have an indistinguishable doppelganger of the man. The worst part is that it wasn’t always so bad for Muammar.

There he is on the left, being quite dictatorially dashing. And I’m not just saying that because this looks exactly like a photo of my Greek relatives back in the old country. How could that guy know that, one day, he’d look like Captain Barbossa, but without the monkey as a consolation prize. Time’s a bitch, regardless how much you resembled the main villain of an 80s action movie in your youth. (Bonus points if recognized the chap in the middle of that photograph as none other than Frankie Goes to Hollywood founding member Paul Rutherford.)

Unlike Gaddafi, Kim Jong-il never had a period where his sex appeal exceeded that of a leper. That portrait above is him at the height of his youthful prowess, and he looks like a Simpsons character: Lips bypassing a non-existent chin and trailing straight into his neck. Here’s another “sexy” propaganda picture of the man, this time paunchily channeling The Matrix:

If I asked for a flattering portrait and this is what was handed back to me, I’d stick a fire hose up the artist’s ass and use him as a lawn sprinkler. I can’t hate the man entirely, however. Can anyone wearing Butthead’s haircut be all evil? Cheers to you indeed, Kimmy Gibbler.

Since a list consists of more than two entries, I suppose I’ll have to continue this tomorrow. Till then!