Reviewing Heaven Is for Real Without Having Seen It

According to the Wikipedia entry for the book Heaven Is for Real, it tells the story of a kid named Colton Burpo who almost croaked during surgery. (I’m assuming he needed surgery because his classmates beat the holy motherfuck out of him for having a name like Colton Burpo.) In the ensuing months, he told his parents that, while he almost gave up the ghost on the operating table, he traveled to Heaven where he spoke with his miscarried sister (I guess her mouth had time to form) and deceased great-grandfather before taking a ride with Jesus on a rainbow-colored pony as angels sang to him.

Instead of people laughing at how retarded this all sounds, our irrepressible urge to avoid facing the fact we in all likelihood wind up a protein supplement for maggots propelled this idiotic piece of shit to the top of the bestseller list. Ironically, the same people who bought this book probably laugh hysterically at Muslims for blowing themselves up and expecting to be greeted by 72 virgins in the afterlife, yet hearing a four-year-old’s account of Heaven as a never-ending ride on a rainbow pony while angels sing “Baby, Baby” somehow scratches their soul’s itch. If I’m going to believe in an afterlife, sign me up for the one that has pussy, okay?

I get it, people. No one wants to die and the lights simply go out forever. It’s a raw deal. But it probably happens. And, if you’re going to believe otherwise, please don’t base that on a kid whose oxygen-deprived brain hallucinated Heaven and Jesus, which his pastor father has probably been telling him about since day one. I mean, had parents let him watch watch Transformers, we would have heard a story about Jesus exclaiming “Let’s roll!” before turning into a bright red truck and barreling away.

As for the movie itself, it stars Greg Kinnear. I’m going to go out on a limb and assume he plays the dad, not the kid. Remember when this guy’s career was on the upswing? Me neither. But it sure wasn’t when he signed on to star in this piece of shit. Don’t go see Heaven Is for Real. If there is a God, he probably doesn’t want you feeling closer to him because you paid $14 bucks to sit in the dark with a theater full of middle-aged Latin women clutching their Rosary beads and exclaiming “¡Dios mío!” every time the little brat prattles on again about his journey to Heaven. Booooooo.

Tagged as: Movie Review.