Reviewing Avengers: Age of Ultron Without Having Seen It

I'm not a big comic fan, but I'm pretty sure Ultron didn't have a face like a cyborg burn victim.
I’m not a big comic fan, but I’m pretty sure Ultron didn’t have a face like a cyborg burn victim.

So they’re still making this comic book crap. Are people not sick of this yet? This is starting to feel like those 80s blacksploitation films that didn’t know they were about ten years late to the party. Let’s get this review of 2015’s Action Jackson over with.

I saw the original Avengers movie when it released on Netflix. And, while this site makes me sound like a contrarian cunt for the most part, I didn’t go into the movie wanting to hate it. My triumph was going to be that I saved money on the cost of tickets and could turn to my geek friends who jerked themselves raw to the flick like a tween who discovered dad’s porn stash and say, “Hey, that Avengers flick? Not half bad.” Then, while they were all hyped up and recounting scenes they loved from the film, I’d go through their fridge and get a free meal. Small victories.

Instead, I was treated to 143 minutes of “what the fuck am I missing here?” It’s a rare moment when I can’t appreciate the big movie of a given summer. I found The Dark Knight overrated, but I’ll be damned if I didn’t watch it five times in HBO. ID4 is still a big-time guilty pleasure. But The Avengers did nothing for me. Looking back, I remember exactly one thing from it: That creepy, foot-loving director Joss Whedon found a way to keep Scarlett Johansson shoeless for the entirety of her first scene. Fucking foot guys get away with murder because women are almost relieved to have someone starting at something other than their t&a for five seconds. Had I directed the film, the Black Widow’s costume would have consisted of Japanese bondage ropes around her big, fat tits and I’d have been branded a pervert. It’s a broken system.

Actually, I also remember laughing my ass off at having to pretend that the Avengers, if they were real, would have let the three assholes who didn’t have superpowers join the club. Because I know if I’m Thor, an immortal god of thunder, the only thing letting me sleep better at night is the knowledge that a guy with a bow and arrow has got my back. How often must they have had this exchange:

THOR: Hey, Hawkeye, I’m going to go take out the huge, all-powerful bad guy. Can you pick off some of his minions or something? You know, earn your keep a little?

HAWKEYE: Sorry, Thor. Those minions are armor-covered. I left all of my armor-piercing arrows at home today!

THOR: You worthlessness is infinite.

In the original Terminator film, Skynet didn’t think to itself, “To kill Sarah Connor, we are sending back in time an unstoppable robotic predator…and this mildly out of shape Spanish guy named Chuy. Because, you know, two are better than one.” Sometimes, less is more.

Which brings us to Avengers: Age of Ultron. If you liked the first Avengers film, hey, enjoy the two-plus hour commercial for whatever Marvel has coming out next summer. I’m convinced 80% of the people going to see these flicks are doing it just to nerd-bate their way through the closing credits as they smile to their friends and declare, “We aren’t leaving yet: There’s an Easter egg after this finishes rolling!” No fucking shit there is! There has been a teaser for the next Marvel movie to take your ten bucks at the end of the Marvel movie that just took your ten bucks for the last decade! Stop acting like you are fucking Hercule Poirot for remembering it! Even my stupid cats can predict when they’re getting fed if I do it at the same time every day, and they have brains the size of an apricot.

Go watch Ex Machina instead this weekend Avengers: Age of Ultron. It looks smarter and it’s R-rated, so maybe you see the robot’s perky tin jugs or something.

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  1. May 1, 2015 at 11:33 am

    Amen – Avengers is fucking rubbish, as are all its constituent stars. The only one with a decent story is Iron Man, and we only needed one movie of him too.

    Perky tin jugs ftw

  2. […] We are a country hurtling toward political extremes. On the right, the Tea Party would like you to believe that if you don’t get erect at the thought of the Constitution as you battle any semblance of government and pray at the altar of completely unregulated capitalism, you might as well be sucking Lenin’s mummified cock as Hanoi Jane fucks you with a strap-on. On the left, well, we have what happened to Joss Whedon this week, as a handful of spiteful girls chased him off the Internet for being, in their opinion, a misogynist who directed a sexist portrayal of the Black Widow in last week’s Avengers: Age of Ultron. […]

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