Reviewing American Reunion Without Having Seen It

In this poignant scene, Tara Reid pleads with her former boyfriend to stop blowing up subway stations in the name of Allah.

Time has not been kind to the American Pie series. The original trilogy seems largely forgotten, and there have been dozens of horrible, straight-to-video releases that feature only Eugene Levy and his eyebrows from the first three movies. So I really don’t know why a decision was made to go ahead with American Reunion other than the fact it probably cost nothing to make because only Seann William Scott has a career and the rest of the cast was paid in sandwiches and Gamestop coupons.

I’ll no doubt watch American Reunion when it comes on HBO. And I’ll justify it to myself by saying, “Oh, you didn’t pay $10 to see this in a theater unlike the stupid riffraff, John. You’re practically Socrates for patiently waiting six months to watch it on your couch for free instead.” I wish I could travel in time and punch future me in his big, fat, asshole face right as he thinks that thought. Not so smart now, are ya, buddy?

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