Active NBA Player Jason Collins Comes Out as Gay

When I heard that an NBA player had come out yesterday, two thoughts immediate filled my mind:

1. Please let it be Rudy Gay, because that would be hilarious.

2. I hope he plays the little-known position of “bottom forward”.

When I learned it was journeyman center Jason Collins of your Washington Wizards my reaction was, “Great, the team with the least-masculine name in the league.” (Then I imagined in my best Chip Chipperson voice “A gay wizard? He probably casts a spell to pull every pecka in the stands into his mouth or sumptin, tsss.”)

In all seriousness, good for Jason, and good for everyone around the league that was so supportive of his decision. I don’t get homophobia. Maybe that’s due to selfishness on my part: Not only do I not think about what people do in their private lives, I don’t think much about their public lives, either. If you ever meet me, you can rest peacefully in the knowledge that zero of my thoughts are about you and 100% of my mental energy is going to decisions regarding what Netflix, HBO GO, porn and video games will fill my evening the instant I walk through my door and put my lazy shorts back on.

The DNA that caused people in the 50s to claim that society would crumble due to the gyration of Elvis’ hips courses through the veins of those who think that acceptance of homosexuality will bring this nation to its knees (ha). As a straight man, I’ve never seen an image of homosexuality and thought, “Hey, I’ve always loved techno, snark and killer abs: Let’s give this a try.” If anything, it’s made me want to ogle a pair of jugs all the more as a palette cleanser.

But the point of all this is, if you do see something gay and you do think to yourself, “That there is the Pinky to my Brain,” you should be free to feel that way without worrying it will have a negative impact on your life. Because it’s all over so soon, people. Far sooner than we tend to comprehend. So spend it focusing on your joys, not your perceived annoyances. You aren’t going to lie on your deathbed thinking “Man, I really didn’t send enough Tweets to Clay Aiken telling him to change his wicked ways, did I?”