99 times out of 100, when a guy behind a mic says, “Man, I just wish we had more time to get to everything I wanted to talk about today,” it’s code for “Thank fucking Christ it’s over, because I was out of material an hour ago.” This is one […]
Well, I’m back. After half a week in what can only be described as Eden with breast implants, I’ve returned home to the humid morass of our nation’s capital. By comparison, it now seems even more awful. Over the course of the next few days, I will give a detailed […]
Because a life of working three hours a day while playing more Wii than a Japanese preteen was really knocking it out of me, I decided to take a vacation and will be in Las Vegas until next Tuesday. Vegas sounds like a great place, and I look forward to […]
Given my love of symphonic music, Osetras caviar and penchant for making love on the beaches of Saint-Tropez, it may shock you to learn that I enjoy something as base as The Howard Stern Show. Nonetheless, I log several hours a week listening to it, meaning I’m exposed to commercials […]
I was a groomsman for the first (and, given how infrequently my friends get laid, probably last) time in my life last weekend, and even I, who was awesome enough to be drinking heavily by middle school, was shocked at the amount of liquor being put down by the wedding […]
We’ve all heard the story before. A female teacher, accused of sleeping with a male student, is charged with rape. I have no idea how the average person reacts to such news, but, with me, it always follows the same arc: Laughter as I envision the Mimi-esque pig the female […]
Everyone has songs they’re ashamed to admit they love. For example, I’m unable to turn the dial any time Ke$ha’s “Your Love is My Drug” comes on. Ke$ha’s a cow who can eat my ass for making me hit shift plus the “4” key every time I should be typing […]
The film Kick-Ass was released a little over a year ago. A tale of a comic-obsessed teen who decides to don a mask himself and fight crime, it sounds like something I would have loved to flush two hours of my life down the toilet with. Only I didn’t, my […]
Thanks to my friend Jen for obliging me and taking the time to sketch this piece. My drawings look like something Muhammad Ali tried to whip up with his left hand. If you want to check out her work, there’s plenty at her web page, http://zora-mae.com. It also lists her […]
