A New Spookies Comic Strip!

by John Papa on April 17, 2014

The Spookies Comic

Thanks again to all of you who donated to the Kickstarter fund for The Spookies. The financial goal was crushed and we now can publish the damn thing so you have a paper copy to read on the bowl when dropping your mighty, comic-loving mud. In the meantime, enjoy this latest strip, which we are currently giving away like saps.

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The movie Predator is what taught me to be a man. My dad cashed in his chips at the Above Ground Casino when I was 20 and I was left looking for role models to fill in. After reading The New Encyclopedia of Modern Bodybuilding, I decided Arnold Schwarzenegger was the guy I was going to emulate. He was fit, he was famous and he was rich. So what if he dumped his seed inside a Guatemalan maid who looks like Paul Ben-Victor in drag? Sometimes, you have to get the poison out. And PBV rocks.

Predator is, top to bottom, Arnold’s most testosterone-laden film, to the point women shouldn’t watch it while ovulating to avoid unwanted pregnancy. Every single dude in that flick looks like a stone-cold killer. I would rather reenact this stunt from Die Hard With a Vengeance than mess with them. But a movie like Predator is only as good as its villain. And, thanks to the video below, I learned how narrowly Predator avoided sucking dog dick. Watch and learn. And then give thanks.

Horrible. Like Ultraman fucked Thing 1 and Thing 2. I understand that wasn’t the actual suit to be worn in the film, but I’m still chilled to the bone. Although how cool would it be to own that suit, cut a hole for your erect penis and chase your girlfriend around the house in it? You’d save a small fortune in the lobster she would be too disgusted to ever eat again.

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If you haven't seen last night's Game of Thrones yet, relax...this is just from a dream sequence and Joffrey is fine.

If you haven’t seen last night’s Game of Thrones yet, relax…this is just from a dream sequence and Joffrey is fine.

The words I posted above are complete bs. Joffrey, the character on Game of Thrones who took unlikeablility to heights not seen since the Third Reich is dead as hell. Allison and I talk about our favorite moments from last night’s episode, as well as the premier of Mad Men‘s final season and my two favorite shows currently on television, Veep and Silicon Valley. Also on the docket are a shooting at a Kansas City Jewish community center (I’m as shocked as anyone that there are Jews in Kansas City), the asshammering I took at the hands of the tax man this year and the introduction of a new segment titled “Masturbate of the Week” (starting at 45 minutes in) featuring the lovely EricaBunny of Reddit.

Click here to listen to this episode using your browser. Click here to listen using the much nicer iTunes player (and subscribe to the show to help our ranking). And mobile users click here to listen via the Stitcher app. (You can subscribe there as well and never miss an episode.)

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I Appear On Save It For the Show

by John Papa on April 11, 2014

So. GD. Sexy.

So. GD. Sexy.

The awesome Dan Fields invited me onto his fantastically titled Save It For the Show program. We do a great hour on Don & Mike, Howard Stern, and how radio in general isn’t where it once was. We also talk about why I feel kinda weird being asked by Adam Carolla to fight patent trolls and why James Franco shouldn’t be condemned for macking on a 17-year-old.

You can listen to the episode by clicking here and visit the main Save It For the Show website by clicking here.

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Way more fun than looking at the actual ultimate warrior.

Way more fun than looking at the actual Ultimate Warrior.

Somehow, a former wrestler who consumed steroids as if they were mana is dead of heart problems. I’m as dumbfounded as you. RIP Ultimate Warrior. We go over Warrior’s eerily prescient final speech, in which he pretty much tells the audience he’s going to die at any moment. We also cover the horribly handled character change in the season premier of Game of Thrones, talk about an unintentionally hilarious segment from the recent season of House of Cards and bitch about ethnic food we grew up eating and were marginalized for that is now mainstream.

Click here to listen to this episode using your browser. Click here to listen using the much nicer iTunes player (and subscribe to the show to help our ranking). And mobile users click here to listen via the Stitcher app. (You can subscribe there as well and never miss an episode.)

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Because the same people who considered this high comedy deserved an amazing ending.

Because the same people who considered this high comedy deserved an amazing ending.

I have never seen How I Met Your Mother. Not a lick. I’ve heard good things, but I’ve yet to take the Netflix plunge and gorge upon it. However, I have heard over the past week just how unsatisfying to every fan of the show the finale was. For whatever reason (probably that I’m a prick), I’ve been deriving endless Schadenfreude from that fact. I break down the finale to my co-hostess Irina, who has actually watched the show, and get her unsatisfied reaction, and we also talk about my new iPhone ringtone, how my deodorant will one day kill me and why my other co-hostess Allison is a dog-losing idiot.

Click here to listen to this episode using your browser. Click here to listen using the much nicer iTunes player (and subscribe to the show to help our ranking). And mobile users click here to listen via the Stitcher app. (You can subscribe there as well and never miss an episode.)

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The Winter Soldiers.

The Winter Soldiers.

Comics, like wrestling and baseball, are something I love learning the history and story of, yet am disgusted by the thought of actively consuming. For example, while I’ve read AndrĂ© the Giant’s Wikipedia page five times (conservatively), I would rather give myself a bullet suppository using a rifle barrel applicator than actually watch one of the dude’s matches on YouTube.

As for comics, in my youth, I adored comic cards. They were like baseball cards, except they depicted comic book characters, telling their background stories and detailing their superpowers. A few weeks of collecting comic book cards and I knew as much about the story of everyone in the Marvel universe as the most diehard of comic readers. At first I thought that was kinda cool. Then I realized what horrible things that said about the content of comic books. 30 years worth of stories could be summarized in a few paragraphs? Jesus Christ, what kind of circle jerk took place between the covers of your average comic?

What does all this have to do with Captain America: The Winter Soldier? Well, while reading a summary of the film, I learned that “The Winter Soldier” is an alias for Bucky Barnes. While that name might not mean anything to the average reader, I was instantly chilled. Why? Because Bucky Barnes might be the lamest piece of shit I ever came across in all my years of comic book card collecting.

The most reviled card in my entire collection.

The most reviled card in my entire collection.

I remember opening that Bucky card like it was yesterday. Nestled in-between world beaters like Thor and the Silver Surfer, there he was. Short. Ridiculous costume. No superpowers. Eyes like a dead chipmunk. He was like Robin, yet somehow infinitely worse. At least Robin (well, Burt Ward, the dude who played him) got untold scads of ungroomed 60s pussy and had hot chicks wearing his costume. All Bucky did was look like a flat-chested cigarette girl at a shit local boxing match. Every time I passed through the binder pages of my comic card collection, Bucky stared back at me, mocking the coolness of the superheroes and supervillains surrounding him with his mere presence.

Of course, there is no way that Bucky wears that ridiculous outfit in The Winter Soldier. Knowing how every comic book movie today strives to be as ominous as possible, he probably looks like a ninja or RoboCop or has had his DNA spliced with that of a velociraptor. But no matter how good the movie is (and it’s enjoying an 87% currently over at Rotten Tomatoes) and how badass they make the incarnation of Bucky Barnes present in it, I want you to know what an annoying piece of shit Bucky actually is and that the character you’re enjoying a farce. It’s the only revenge against the little turd that I’ll ever know.

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Anyone with a visible Brewer's tattoo is okay in my all-American book.

Anyone with a visible Brewer’s tattoo is okay in my all-American book.

Current comedy writer and former adult star Alia Janine calls in to discuss her life and projects. It’s good. She is the opposite of me in that she’s accomplished things in her life and people would pay to see her naked. I also debate if The Hangover Part III was an okay or I simply enjoyed it because I didn’t pay to see it and if Ken Jeong and his miniscule genitalia are the bravest team in the entertainment world.

Click here to listen to this episode using your browser. Click here to listen using the much nicer iTunes player (and subscribe to the show to help our ranking). And mobile users click here to listen via the Stitcher app. (You can subscribe there as well and never miss an episode.)

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Ahhhhpril faaaahls. (If you don't get the reference, tweet me and I'll explain it.)

Ahhhhpril faaaahls. (If you don’t get the reference, tweet me and I’ll explain it.)

We record on April Fool’s Day, aka the worst holiday of the year. Topics include why we hate it, how Allison managed to get our show kicked off our timeslot with its dirty talk, if Morgan Spurlock is played out and a reading of the names of all those who have contributed to The Spookies Kickstarter.

Thank you to the following folks for contributing to the aforementioned Kickstarter:

@mondo270
@GBCSwim
@zoramae8
@frakkingawesome
@y_i_y_a
@robothive

Want your name on Papa’s Basement? Click here to contribute to The Spookies Kickstarter. Thanks!

Click here to listen to this episode using your browser. Click here to listen using the much nicer iTunes player (and subscribe to the show to help our ranking). And mobile users click here to listen via the Stitcher app. (You can subscribe there as well and never miss an episode.)

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Reviewing Noah Without Having Seen It

by admin on March 28, 2014

Russell Crowe working on blueprints for the ark in Noah.

Russell Crowe working on blueprints for the ark in Noah.

This is why Noah will tank: Most people who aren’t at least moderately Christian will avoid it for a lack of interest in the subject matter. A guy gets a bunch of CGI animals onto a CGI ark and endures a CGI flood? Sounds like Captain Planet: The Movie. However, the Christians who do go to view the film will be pissed because it seeks to portray a realistic Noah and, apparently, the real Noah was something of a drunken asshole (at least according to the film’s director, Darren Aronofsky). And I don’t think anyone deep in a faith enjoys having figures from their faith portrayed as anything less than Captain America.

It’s like making a movie called Santa Keeps It Real: Only little kids are going to buy tickets, and they’re going to be horrified when they watch Santa dump his load in a bunch of single moms every Christmas Eve and scream at his elves that he’s going to replace them with Mexicans if they don’t hurry up. (Immediately after typing these words I remembered that the movie Bad Santa exists and that: 1. No kids thought it was a movie for them and 2. It was a huge hit. So let that serve testament to how much faith you should put in either my memory or my acumen.)

Maybe I’m wrong and a bunch of hardcore Christians are going to be hunky-dory with a Jewish dude who once directed Jennifer Connelly as she took a double-headed dildo bringing a beloved Biblical story to the screen. I just don’t see how anyone but them is going to be drawn to watch this movie and how they’ll be okay with what the movie depicts. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe it’ll go over like gangbusters, the same way comic book movies have gotten darker over the years to soaring profits. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must go back to listening to Mercyful Fate’s first album because it rocked and I’m just learning that at age 33. So many wasted years…

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