There's only one thing you have to do to complete a Robert De Niro impression. Is it given away by this photo? Maaaaaybe.

There’s only one thing you have to do to complete a Robert De Niro impression. Is it given away by this photo? Maaaaaybe.

We welcome Brother Will back onto the show as we talk about having Greek Easter and White Person Easter (as we have called American Easter since we were kids) fall on the same day this year, co-hostess Allison going under the knife for surgery today, most of all, the ONE THING you have to do to pull off a Robert De Niro impression. Enjoy!

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A shot of the scene described during this episode where Shawn F. sang directly behind Erock to zero recognition.

A shot of the scene described during this episode where Shawn F. sang directly behind Erock to zero acknowledgement from the man.

Forgive the quick and dirty episode description, I just want to get this up so you all have an episode to listen to over the weekend. The talented and kind Shawn F. calls in and discusses his visit to the Opie & Anthony studios. I try to contribute but: 1. He’s a great storyteller and 2. I ate four pounds of Indian buffet about five minutes before going on air, so the show is Shawn regaling us with his story. If you’re an Opie & Anthony fan, I think you’ll enjoy. If not, Shawn is still a great guy, so give him a listen anyhow.

Shawn F.’s Twitter is @mondo270 and his Soundcloud page, home to his numerous Erock parodies, is shawn-f-1.

Click here to listen to this episode using your browser. Click here to listen using the much nicer iTunes player (and subscribe to the show to help our ranking). And mobile users click here to listen via the Stitcher app. (You can subscribe there as well and never miss an episode.)

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The only Heaven we will probably ever see.

The only Heaven we will probably ever see.

According to the Wikipedia entry for the book Heaven Is for Real, it tells the story of a kid named Colton Burpo who almost croaked during surgery. (I’m assuming he needed surgery because his classmates beat the holy motherfuck out of him for having a name like Colton Burpo.) In the ensuing months, he told his parents that, while he almost gave up the ghost on the operating table, he traveled to Heaven where he spoke with his miscarried sister (I guess her mouth had time to form) and deceased great-grandfather before taking a ride with Jesus on a rainbow-colored pony as angels sang to him.

Instead of people laughing at how retarded this all sounds, our irrepressible urge to avoid facing the fact we in all likelihood wind up a protein supplement for maggots propelled this idiotic piece of shit to the top of the bestseller list. Ironically, the same people who bought this book probably laugh hysterically at Muslims for blowing themselves up and expecting to be greeted by 72 virgins in the afterlife, yet hearing a four-year-old’s account of Heaven as a never-ending ride on a rainbow pony while angels sing “Baby, Baby” somehow scratches their soul’s itch. If I’m going to believe in an afterlife, sign me up for the one that has pussy, okay?

I get it, people. No one wants to die and the lights simply go out forever. It’s a raw deal. But it probably happens. And, if you’re going to believe otherwise, please don’t base that on a kid whose oxygen-deprived brain hallucinated Heaven and Jesus, which his pastor father has probably been telling him about since day one. I mean, had parents let him watch watch Transformers, we would have heard a story about Jesus exclaiming “Let’s roll!” before turning into a bright red truck and barreling away.

As for the movie itself, it stars Greg Kinnear. I’m going to go out on a limb and assume he plays the dad, not the kid. Remember when this guy’s career was on the upswing? Me neither. But it sure wasn’t when he signed on to star in this piece of shit. Don’t go see Heaven Is for Real. If there is a God, he probably doesn’t want you feeling closer to him because you paid $14 bucks to sit in the dark with a theater full of middle-aged Latin women clutching their Rosary beads and exclaiming “¡Dios mío!” every time the little brat prattles on again about his journey to Heaven. Booooooo.

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A New Spookies Comic Strip!

by John Papa on April 17, 2014

The Spookies Comic

Thanks again to all of you who donated to the Kickstarter fund for The Spookies. The financial goal was crushed and we now can publish the damn thing so you have a paper copy to read on the bowl when dropping your mighty, comic-loving mud. In the meantime, enjoy this latest strip, which we are currently giving away like saps.

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The movie Predator is what taught me to be a man. My dad cashed in his chips at the Above Ground Casino when I was 20 and I was left looking for role models to fill in. After reading The New Encyclopedia of Modern Bodybuilding, I decided Arnold Schwarzenegger was the guy I was going to emulate. He was fit, he was famous and he was rich. So what if he dumped his seed inside a Guatemalan maid who looks like Paul Ben-Victor in drag? Sometimes, you have to get the poison out. And PBV rocks.

Predator is, top to bottom, Arnold’s most testosterone-laden film, to the point women shouldn’t watch it while ovulating to avoid unwanted pregnancy. Every single dude in that flick looks like a stone-cold killer. I would rather reenact this stunt from Die Hard With a Vengeance than mess with them. But a movie like Predator is only as good as its villain. And, thanks to the video below, I learned how narrowly Predator avoided sucking dog dick. Watch and learn. And then give thanks.

Horrible. Like Ultraman fucked Thing 1 and Thing 2. I understand that wasn’t the actual suit to be worn in the film, but I’m still chilled to the bone. Although how cool would it be to own that suit, cut a hole for your erect penis and chase your girlfriend around the house in it? You’d save a small fortune in the lobster she would be too disgusted to ever eat again.

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If you haven't seen last night's Game of Thrones yet, relax...this is just from a dream sequence and Joffrey is fine.

If you haven’t seen last night’s Game of Thrones yet, relax…this is just from a dream sequence and Joffrey is fine.

The words I posted above are complete bs. Joffrey, the character on Game of Thrones who took unlikeablility to heights not seen since the Third Reich is dead as hell. Allison and I talk about our favorite moments from last night’s episode, as well as the premier of Mad Men‘s final season and my two favorite shows currently on television, Veep and Silicon Valley. Also on the docket are a shooting at a Kansas City Jewish community center (I’m as shocked as anyone that there are Jews in Kansas City), the asshammering I took at the hands of the tax man this year and the introduction of a new segment titled “Masturbate of the Week” (starting at 45 minutes in) featuring the lovely EricaBunny of Reddit.

Click here to listen to this episode using your browser. Click here to listen using the much nicer iTunes player (and subscribe to the show to help our ranking). And mobile users click here to listen via the Stitcher app. (You can subscribe there as well and never miss an episode.)

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I Appear On Save It For the Show

by John Papa on April 11, 2014

So. GD. Sexy.

So. GD. Sexy.

The awesome Dan Fields invited me onto his fantastically titled Save It For the Show program. We do a great hour on Don & Mike, Howard Stern, and how radio in general isn’t where it once was. We also talk about why I feel kinda weird being asked by Adam Carolla to fight patent trolls and why James Franco shouldn’t be condemned for macking on a 17-year-old.

You can listen to the episode by clicking here and visit the main Save It For the Show website by clicking here.

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Way more fun than looking at the actual ultimate warrior.

Way more fun than looking at the actual Ultimate Warrior.

Somehow, a former wrestler who consumed steroids as if they were mana is dead of heart problems. I’m as dumbfounded as you. RIP Ultimate Warrior. We go over Warrior’s eerily prescient final speech, in which he pretty much tells the audience he’s going to die at any moment. We also cover the horribly handled character change in the season premier of Game of Thrones, talk about an unintentionally hilarious segment from the recent season of House of Cards and bitch about ethnic food we grew up eating and were marginalized for that is now mainstream.

Click here to listen to this episode using your browser. Click here to listen using the much nicer iTunes player (and subscribe to the show to help our ranking). And mobile users click here to listen via the Stitcher app. (You can subscribe there as well and never miss an episode.)

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Because the same people who considered this high comedy deserved an amazing ending.

Because the same people who considered this high comedy deserved an amazing ending.

I have never seen How I Met Your Mother. Not a lick. I’ve heard good things, but I’ve yet to take the Netflix plunge and gorge upon it. However, I have heard over the past week just how unsatisfying to every fan of the show the finale was. For whatever reason (probably that I’m a prick), I’ve been deriving endless Schadenfreude from that fact. I break down the finale to my co-hostess Irina, who has actually watched the show, and get her unsatisfied reaction, and we also talk about my new iPhone ringtone, how my deodorant will one day kill me and why my other co-hostess Allison is a dog-losing idiot.

Click here to listen to this episode using your browser. Click here to listen using the much nicer iTunes player (and subscribe to the show to help our ranking). And mobile users click here to listen via the Stitcher app. (You can subscribe there as well and never miss an episode.)

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The Winter Soldiers.

The Winter Soldiers.

Comics, like wrestling and baseball, are something I love learning the history and story of, yet am disgusted by the thought of actively consuming. For example, while I’ve read André the Giant’s Wikipedia page five times (conservatively), I would rather give myself a bullet suppository using a rifle barrel applicator than actually watch one of the dude’s matches on YouTube.

As for comics, in my youth, I adored comic cards. They were like baseball cards, except they depicted comic book characters, telling their background stories and detailing their superpowers. A few weeks of collecting comic book cards and I knew as much about the story of everyone in the Marvel universe as the most diehard of comic readers. At first I thought that was kinda cool. Then I realized what horrible things that said about the content of comic books. 30 years worth of stories could be summarized in a few paragraphs? Jesus Christ, what kind of circle jerk took place between the covers of your average comic?

What does all this have to do with Captain America: The Winter Soldier? Well, while reading a summary of the film, I learned that “The Winter Soldier” is an alias for Bucky Barnes. While that name might not mean anything to the average reader, I was instantly chilled. Why? Because Bucky Barnes might be the lamest piece of shit I ever came across in all my years of comic book card collecting.

The most reviled card in my entire collection.

The most reviled card in my entire collection.

I remember opening that Bucky card like it was yesterday. Nestled in-between world beaters like Thor and the Silver Surfer, there he was. Short. Ridiculous costume. No superpowers. Eyes like a dead chipmunk. He was like Robin, yet somehow infinitely worse. At least Robin (well, Burt Ward, the dude who played him) got untold scads of ungroomed 60s pussy and had hot chicks wearing his costume. All Bucky did was look like a flat-chested cigarette girl at a shit local boxing match. Every time I passed through the binder pages of my comic card collection, Bucky stared back at me, mocking the coolness of the superheroes and supervillains surrounding him with his mere presence.

Of course, there is no way that Bucky wears that ridiculous outfit in The Winter Soldier. Knowing how every comic book movie today strives to be as ominous as possible, he probably looks like a ninja or RoboCop or has had his DNA spliced with that of a velociraptor. But no matter how good the movie is (and it’s enjoying an 87% currently over at Rotten Tomatoes) and how badass they make the incarnation of Bucky Barnes present in it, I want you to know what an annoying piece of shit Bucky actually is and that the character you’re enjoying a farce. It’s the only revenge against the little turd that I’ll ever know.

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