Reviewing San Andreas Without Having Seen It

by John Papa on May 29, 2015

I have sung the praises of Alexandra Daddario's breasts since their appearance on True Detective last year. Tomorrow, they're going to become international stars. This feels like when one of your favorite little-known bands is about to break.

I have sung the praises of Alexandra Daddario’s breasts since their appearance on True Detective last year. Tomorrow, they’re going to become international stars. I’m feeling that same mix of pride and apprehension that you experience when one of your favorite little-known bands is about to break.

You can see how simple mankind is based upon what we spend the most time viewing. We like to watch things blow up and we like to watch people fuck. In fact, the first footage ever filmed was of a guy plowing a broad over the hood of a Model T until it exploded in a fiery ball of anti-Semitic assembly line efficiency*. As the decades have progressed since that first fateful fireball, mankind has crapped out countless entries in the disaster porn arena, from The Poseidon Adventure to Independence Day to Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner (zing!). Much like real porn, you begin viewing disaster flicks brimming with adrenaline yet, as soon as the film ends, can remember nothing about them, frantically searching for a wastebasket in which to discard your metaphorical cummy tissues as you reevaluate everything in your life that led you to this moment. The latest in this proud tradition is San Andreas. And it’s going to suck.

There are a bunch of problems with SA (that’s what we people who are too lazy to type out San Andreas call the film. First of all, I can’t hear the title and not think of this (a strong entry in the embarrassingly long “cartoons I would love to have sex with” list). There’s also the fact that the film stars The Rock. I like the guy, but I’ve seen hungry pound puppies that don’t work as hard to be loved by an audience. And let’s be frank: Is anyone going to feel that much sympathy for Californians enduring a hellish earthquake? I mean, they’ve had over a century’s worth of warning to depart their sunny Sodom. If every ten years or so they made another boat called Titanic and it invariably sank, by Titanic IV, people would probably think that, if you got on that boat, you damn well deserved what was coming.

Not all is a loss, however: The movie does feature Carla Gugino, Alexandra Daddario and their fantastically fat dago tits. Unfortunately, with a PG-13 rating, the same earthquake that possesses the power to level half of California won’t be able to pop a nipple out of either of these ladies’ bras, but maybe they’ll throw us a bone via a swimsuit scene that I’d be into if I were five.

Avoid San Andreas like the plague and instead see Mad Max: Fury Road multiple times. Huge explosions and frenetic action don’t have to come at the cost of your self-respect. This isn’t a presidential election: There’s actually a good choice to make.

*-I made this up.

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At first I thought what Josh Duggar did was wrong. Then I looked up his picture. Holy Christ, who WOULDN'T want to be molested by those dreamy eyes and pouty lips?!

At first I thought what Josh Duggar did was wrong. Then I looked up his picture. Holy Christ, who WOULDN’T want to be molested by those dreamy eyes and pouty lips?!

Ay yi yi! Es Josh Duggar! Me ha molestado!” With these words, the world learned of the molestorial (that isn’t a word) misdeeds of Josh Duggar, the oldest child of Jim Bob (that is, somehow, a name) and Michelle Duggar of 19 Kids and Counting fame, who apparently touched several of his younger siblings where their bathing suit covers when he was 15. He and his parents have since tried to very ineffectively spin the incident as youthful horsing around, but Eva, Othello and I get into why there is no way the guy stopped touching kids at 15. We also discuss why the Washington Redskins, who are in the running for HBO’s Hard Knocks, would be an amazing choice, our thoughts on the Mad Men and Letterman finales, and how to properly balance lazy and observant this Memorial Day.

Click here to listen to the episode in your browser window. Click here to listen using iTunes, where you can also subscribe to the show and leave feedback on the show, which helps our iTunes ranking and will get us rich and powerful. And mobile users click here to listen and subscribe via the Stitcher app.

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The Mad Men Finale — Papa’s Basement 451

by John Papa on May 17, 2015

I'm going to miss you and your nose-cone-of-a-C-17 tits, Joan.

I’m going to miss you and your nose-cone-of-a-C-17 tits, Joan.

Recorded mere hours before the Mad Men series finale, Eva and I give our predictions for what happens. She took a serious stab at things, I predicted the episode would begin with Roger eating a steak for 17 uninterrupted minutes with a visible erection. Crazier things have happened. We also mourn the passing of B.B. King and Chinx, two equally-respected icons in the music world who passed away this week. To top it off, we ruin the Game of Thrones theme song more than this video ever will, and also give some health tips. Well, not so much tips as share the fact we are both in horrific health and have, between us, six weeks on this world, tops. So enjoy the show while you can!

Click here to listen to the episode in your browser window. Click here to listen using iTunes, where you can also subscribe to the show and leave feedback on the show, which helps our iTunes ranking and will get us rich and powerful. And mobile users click here to listen and subscribe via the Stitcher app.

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Richmond, VA — Papa’s Basement 450

by John Papa on May 12, 2015

When GWAR is your city's big band, well, brother, you have yourself a pretty awesome city.

When GWAR is your city’s big band, well, brother, you have yourself a pretty awesome city.

After a weekend spent at the VA Comicon, I’m here to declare that Richmond, VA is the greatest city on Earth in its history. I mean, what rivals it? New York City? Overpriced elitist shithole. London? Sure, if you want to be buried in a sea of bad teeth and eel pie. Atlantis? Soooo much water. Plus, it’s fictitious. No, after careful consideration, I’ve come to realize that Richmond, VA is the urban equivalent of the porridge that Goldilocks chose.

Why is Richmond so great? What made my eyes bug out like this while cosplaying at the comicon? And how can you win the “filthy direct messaged photo from co-hostess Eva” contest? Listen to the episode and all will be revealed.

(On a note unrelated to the show, if you want to do the Lord’s work and donate to the Kickstarter fund for my comic, The Spookies, you can do so by clicking here. The rewards for doing so are really incredible and delivered in a very timely manner, so please, if you can, contribute. Thanks!)

Click here to listen to the episode in your browser window. Click here to listen using iTunes, where you can also subscribe to the show and leave feedback on the show, which helps our iTunes ranking and will get us rich and powerful. And mobile users click here to listen and subscribe via the Stitcher app.

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Joss Whedon doesn't hate women. Hell, he reacted to criticism by shutting down his Twitter account and running to his room in a tizzy. There's nothing more feminine than that.

Joss Whedon doesn’t hate women. Hell, he reacted to criticism by shutting down his Twitter account and running to his room in a tizzy. There’s nothing more feminine than that.

We are a country hurtling toward political extremes. On the right, the Tea Party would like you to believe that if you don’t get erect at the thought of the Constitution as you battle any semblance of government and pray at the altar of completely unregulated capitalism, you might as well be sucking Lenin’s mummified cock as Hanoi Jane fucks you with a strap-on. On the left, well, we have what happened to Joss Whedon this week, as a handful of spiteful girls chased him off the Internet for being, in their opinion, a misogynist who directed a sexist portrayal of the Black Widow in last week’s Avengers: Age of Ultron.

Let’s get this out of the way: If ever there were a man who isn’t a misogynist, it’s Joss Whedon. In fact, I can vividly picture the the dude engaging in a daily ritual of donning a dress, squeezing the empty cups where breasts would be if he were a woman and screaming at the heavens, “Why, God? Why not me?” This is a man that reveres women to a degree that, frankly, I find creepy, but whatever floats his boat. His breakout show was Buffy the Vampire Slayer, which featured the titular character in about as rah-rah girl power a role as conceivable. His next work, Serenity, featured a female character who was an unstoppable combat machine, by far the show’s toughest figure. His show after that, Dollhouse, starred a female who was also a master of all forms of physical combat. I think you’re seeing a pattern emerge here.

So what claims were made against adorable little Joss? That the Black Widow (played by Scarlett Johansson) should have instead been portrayed by a woman of gypsy heritage because that’s the character’s background according to the comics. Oh, and that she was simply a femme fatale in this movie, a damsel in distress to be rescued rather than an active fighter. I’ll address both accusations separately.

First, no one on the extreme left gives two shits if an Irish actor plays a German character or if a black man from South Africa plays a black man from Ghana. Why? Because they haven’t been taught to be offended by it, and most original thinkers don’t squander that gift figuring out what they should be offended by. They instead contribute to society in some way, shape or form. I’m Greek. Do you think I enjoyed Hitler Youth Brad Pitt playing Achilles in Troy? It was fucking ridiculous. But I understood the producer of the film wanted make a couple bucks, not show a bunch of swarthy, fur-covered no-names swinging swords at each other. The closest I’ll ever come to seeing a movie with an all-Greek cast is Planet of the Apes, and I’ve made my peace with that.

Second, not to stroke my proverbial nerd shaft into your face, but Black Widow, from what I remember, is a broad in a jumpsuit that knows karate. That’s it. You know who else is in the Avengers? Thor, an immortal thunder god, Hulk, who can survive a nuke being dropped directly on him and Iron Man, a genius who constructed what’s essentially a tank he walks around in. Do you know how annoyed they must be not only having to combat evil but make sure Little Miss Zero-Powers doesn’t get killed on any given mission? It has to be distracting as hell! Joss Whedon is a bigger feminist icon than Gloria Steinem for not limiting Black Widow’s role to jotting down the boys’ order from Sheetz at the beginning of the movie and making sure the correct food was waiting on the table for them after they got done saving the world.

People, whatever your beliefs, keep things in perspective. Anyone calling Joss Whedon a misogynist comes off like a Nazi whispering to one of his colleagues, “I guess Hitler hates the Jews, but he doesn’t hate hate them.” It’s a ridiculous assertion made by people completely out of touch with reality looking to garner attention by loudly screaming absurdities. And hey, if you think Joss Whedon really is a sexist, go out there and create art that depicts the world as you want to see it. Speaking of which, if you’ll excuse me, I must get back to the script I’m writing. It’s tentatively titled “The Out-Of-Shape Blogger That Women Couldn’t Resist And Whose Post Went Viral.”

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The only thing more Baltimore than John Waters and Divine is Cal Ripken, Jr., beating Kevin Costner for banging his wife.

The only thing more Baltimore than John Waters and Divine is Cal Ripken, Jr., beating Kevin Costner for banging his wife.

It’s not something you expect to do during the course of a comedic broadcast. I wanted to talk about the Mayweather – Pacquiao fight (crap). Discuss the new British princess. Get into how all little boys are pyromaniacs and we never grow out of it as men. But, somewhere in the last ten minutes of the show, the subject of the death of Freddie Gray comes up and, well…I solve all of America’s economic and race problems. I’m not trying to brag! It just happened! Click and enjoy the show and just know that the last ten minutes will give you wisdom unparallelled. Yes, this is a cheap ploy to get you to listen, but it isn’t like the rest of the show is a steaming pile of turds, so just do it, already.

(On a note unrelated to the show, if you want to do the Lord’s work and donate to the Kickstarter fund for my comic, The Spookies, you can do so by clicking here. The rewards for doing so are really incredible and delivered in a very timely manner, so please, if you can, contribute. Thanks!)

Click here to listen to the episode in your browser window. Click here to listen using iTunes, where you can also subscribe to the show and leave feedback on the show, which helps our iTunes ranking and will get us rich and powerful. And mobile users click here to listen and subscribe via the Stitcher app.

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I'm not a big comic fan, but I'm pretty sure Ultron didn't have a face like a cyborg burn victim.

I’m not a big comic fan, but I’m pretty sure Ultron didn’t have a face like a cyborg burn victim.

So they’re still making this comic book crap. Are people not sick of this yet? This is starting to feel like those 80s blacksploitation films that didn’t know they were about ten years late to the party. Let’s get this review of 2015’s Action Jackson over with.

I saw the original Avengers movie when it released on Netflix. And, while this site makes me sound like a contrarian cunt for the most part, I didn’t go into the movie wanting to hate it. My triumph was going to be that I saved money on the cost of tickets and could turn to my geek friends who jerked themselves raw to the flick like a tween who discovered dad’s porn stash and say, “Hey, that Avengers flick? Not half bad.” Then, while they were all hyped up and recounting scenes they loved from the film, I’d go through their fridge and get a free meal. Small victories.

Instead, I was treated to 143 minutes of “what the fuck am I missing here?” It’s a rare moment when I can’t appreciate the big movie of a given summer. I found The Dark Knight overrated, but I’ll be damned if I didn’t watch it five times in HBO. ID4 is still a big-time guilty pleasure. But The Avengers did nothing for me. Looking back, I remember exactly one thing from it: That creepy, foot-loving director Joss Whedon found a way to keep Scarlett Johansson shoeless for the entirety of her first scene. Fucking foot guys get away with murder because women are almost relieved to have someone starting at something other than their t&a for five seconds. Had I directed the film, the Black Widow’s costume would have consisted of Japanese bondage ropes around her big, fat tits and I’d have been branded a pervert. It’s a broken system.

Actually, I also remember laughing my ass off at having to pretend that the Avengers, if they were real, would have let the three assholes who didn’t have superpowers join the club. Because I know if I’m Thor, an immortal god of thunder, the only thing letting me sleep better at night is the knowledge that a guy with a bow and arrow has got my back. How often must they have had this exchange:

THOR: Hey, Hawkeye, I’m going to go take out the huge, all-powerful bad guy. Can you pick off some of his minions or something? You know, earn your keep a little?

HAWKEYE: Sorry, Thor. Those minions are armor-covered. I left all of my armor-piercing arrows at home today!

THOR: You worthlessness is infinite.

In the original Terminator film, Skynet didn’t think to itself, “To kill Sarah Connor, we are sending back in time an unstoppable robotic predator…and this mildly out of shape Spanish guy named Chuy. Because, you know, two are better than one.” Sometimes, less is more.

Which brings us to Avengers: Age of Ultron. If you liked the first Avengers film, hey, enjoy the two-plus hour commercial for whatever Marvel has coming out next summer. I’m convinced 80% of the people going to see these flicks are doing it just to nerd-bate their way through the closing credits as they smile to their friends and declare, “We aren’t leaving yet: There’s an Easter egg after this finishes rolling!” No fucking shit there is! There has been a teaser for the next Marvel movie to take your ten bucks at the end of the Marvel movie that just took your ten bucks for the last decade! Stop acting like you are fucking Hercule Poirot for remembering it! Even my stupid cats can predict when they’re getting fed if I do it at the same time every day, and they have brains the size of an apricot.

Go watch Ex Machina instead this weekend Avengers: Age of Ultron. It looks smarter and it’s R-rated, so maybe you see the robot’s perky tin jugs or something.

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This will actually be Bruce Jenner's second transition: He spent the first 20 years of his life as Link from The Legend of Zelda.

This will actually be Bruce Jenner’s second transition: He spent the first 18 years of his life as Link from The Legend of Zelda.

Thank God nothing happened recently in a major American city, or the contents of this podcast might have seemed a little dated! Phew! Co-hostess Eva and I discuss the Diane Sawyer interview of Bruce Jenner and our reactions to it (hint: I was moved in ways that, when you hear me describe them, you won’t be able to stop laughing at). So give the episode a play and tell your friends. If they don’t like it, you’ll know that they are no friend at all and that you should sever all ties.

(On a note unrelated to the show, if you want to do the Lord’s work and donate to the Kickstarter fund for my comic, The Spookies, you can do so by clicking here. The rewards for doing so are really incredible and delivered in a very timely manner, so please, if you can, contribute. Thanks!)

Click here to listen to the episode in your browser window. Click here to listen using iTunes, where you can also subscribe to the show and leave feedback on the show, which helps our iTunes ranking and will get us rich and powerful. And mobile users click here to listen and subscribe via the Stitcher app.

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Give My Comic Your Money

by John Papa on April 23, 2015

What can I say? I've always had a weakness for penning high-brow humor.

What can I say? I’ve always had a weakness for penning high-brow humor.

Those of you frequenting this site (barring the ones who came in via Google thinking it’s some sort of BDSM sex dungeon thing based on the name) are aware of my radio show and podcast. But did you also know that I write a comic? It’s true! The Spookies just hit its second year, and I’m looking once again for a few bucks to print off physical copies of the comic in order to go out and sell them at various comic conventions (where I can also ogle women dressed as Batgirl or Sexy Wolverine, so it’s a good deal all around).

Unlike most Kickstarter campaigns hitting you up for money, my artist and I have already reached our goal. In fact we reached it after 48 hours, meaning that dummy probably should have asked for more money. But that’s okay, because the awards we’re giving out for contributing are great and still worth chipping in a few bucks for. If nothing else, click the link to watch a really well edited and funny video of me asking for your loot. Because who doesn’t want to feel better about themselves by watching a peer beg?

Click this link to go to The Spookies Kickstarter and watch the vid/donate!

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Britt McHenry — Papa’s Basement 447

by John Papa on April 21, 2015

Is there a more sympathetic figure than a towering blonde boldly declaring her Germanic heritage? Nein!

Is there a more sympathetic figure than a towering blonde boldly declaring her Germanic heritage? Nein!

Britt McHenry is a former DC-area sports reporter who graduated to ESPN about a year ago. This week, she landed a one-week suspension for getting caught on tape berating an attendant who worked for the towing company that nabbed her vehicle. As far as people I feel for go, I’m not sure who’s lower on the totem pole: The statuesque blonde who’s probably gotten every break in the book since age 14 due to her looks or the employee of a predatory towing company. Co-hostess Eva reenacts the audio of Miss McHenry (whom she is now in love with, by the way) on-air, and we also cover a veterinarian who shot a cat in the head with an arrow and then posted a photo of her deed on Facebook. The stupid bitch somehow thought it was a good idea. Because, you know, the Internet doesn’t have a hardon for cats or anything. But yeah, that’s what people who bring sick cats to you for treatment want to see, idiot. As Jesus once said to Paul after a fight with Mary Magdalene, “Boy, would I like to choke out that cunt.”

(On a note unrelated to the show, if you want to do the Lord’s work and donate to the Kickstarter fund for my comic, The Spookies, you can do so by clicking here. The rewards for doing so are really incredible and delivered in a very timely manner, so please, if you can, contribute. Thanks!)

Click here to listen to the episode in your browser window. Click here to listen using iTunes, where you can also subscribe to the show and leave feedback on the show, which helps our iTunes ranking and will get us rich and powerful. And mobile users click here to listen and subscribe via the Stitcher app.

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