Mad Men-Now With Several More Tons of Fat Betty Draper

by admin on May 15, 2012

'Please top off my cup of drawn butter.'


“[Manischewitz] makes wine for Jews. And now they’re making one they want to sell to normal people.”
-Roger Sterling, delivering the line of the episode

If the rest Mad Men‘s fifth season featured nothing but Betty Draper shoving food into her cram-hole in 45 minutes blocks, I’d die a happy man. There’s something about seeing the once-beautiful blonde ice queen struggling unsuccessfully to reclaim her looks that hits my dick like a Viagra-filled turkey baster. Sunday’s episode, “Dark Shadows” (click here to watch via Amazon), contained more than enough of Betty either hungrily eying food or losing all willpower and shoving a whipped cream canister straight into her mouth to last me for weeks. I hope they never retire her fat suit.

The oldest breastfeeder in the world.

As if Betty’s descent into blubberhood weren’t enough, that horrible little shit Pete Campbell is now flying off the deep end nursing an unrequited hardon for Gilmore Girls‘ Alexis Bledel. Maybe I should have watched GG, because there’s nothing like a former child star unleashing the hounds. Yeah, Alexis kinda looks like an alien-human hybrid with that massive forehead and the tiny features, but she’s got one set of features that are thankfully quite large, so between them and Pete’s agony, I’m enjoying the subplot immensely. Only four more episodes left this season. Why must God rob me of everything I love?

{ 1 comment }

Papa’s Basement 5-14-12-I Love the Breastfeeding TIME Mom

by admin on May 14, 2012

When it comes to breastfeeding, how old is too old? Probably when a kid can pull his mouth off your tit, point to his crotch and say, 'Okay, now finish me off, 'cause I've got class in 20 minutes.'


Here’s a tease: In the course of today’s episode of Papa’s Basement, one of the Papageorgiou Brothers reveals he was as old as the kid in this photo when he stopped breastfeeding. Place your bets and listen to find out which of us it was!

Papa’s Basement 5-14-12 (iTunes users, please rate and subscribe to Papa’s Basement by clicking here. Left-click the episode title or press the “play” button at the bottom of the post to listen immediately. To download this episode, right-click the episode title and select “Save Link/Target As.” )

{ 1 comment }

Reviewing Dark Shadows Without Having Seen It

by admin on May 11, 2012

'And the moment I slip this finger in his ass, Tim climaxes in my mouth like a backfiring tailpipe.'


I’m not sure how Tim Burton still has a career. He hasn’t directed a movie that received better-than-mixed reviews since Ed Wood. His films, while rarely financial bombs, don’t do particularly well at the box office. And he isn’t Jewish. In fact, the only thing I can think of that has kept Tim Burton around like a lingering fart is his friendship with Johnny Depp. And when I say “friendship”, I mean “my parents were married for 25 years and loved one another and I think Tim and Johnny would demolish them at The Newlywed Game because the relationship they share make my parents’ union appear to have all the intimacy of a frat boy cumming across an anonymous freshman’s face by comparison.”

But we aren’t here to discuss facials. We’re here to discuss Dark Shadows and what a massive piece of shit it looks like. Depp plays Barnabas Collins, a vampire who’s released upon the 1970s after 200 years of imprisonment in a coffin. Which is fantastic for us, because the fish out of water premise is the pinnacle of comedy. That’s why Perfect Strangers is mentioned in the same breath with other hilarious greats like Seinfeld and Taxi. Actually, I can think of one gag Dark Shadows could run with that’d make me laugh, but I bet Johnny Depp would get pissy if the script called for Barnabas to express shock that he can no longer purchase and own black people.

I hope Dark Shadows tanks. Yes, we live in America. Yes, it’s a land of fat, stupid blobs with poor taste and poorer bank accounts and in 20 years we’ll all be owned by the Chinese. But, in this moment, while the eagle still flies high, let’s stand proud against such predictable fare and skip Dark Shadows to send a message. Or, go see Dark Shadows, as long as you promise to protest Battleship next week. Anyone buying a ticket to that one should be sterilized as a precautionary measure.

Please like Papa’s Basement on Facebook and follow on Twitter. It makes me feel like a big winner when you do.

{ 2 comments }

Free Room for Chores Indeed

by admin on May 10, 2012

Since leaving the world of radio a few months ago, I’ve gone nuts living back at home. The arrangement made sense while I was trying to make a go of it on-air, both because I was never home and radio pays wages so low that they would make an old-timey slave slap his knee and exclaim, “Oh my mercies, why I never thought I could afford to own me one of your kind!” before he purchased me as his “high yaller house boy.” Now that I make a living wage again, it’s time for me to re-fly the coup, which has led me to do a little house hunting on Craigslist. That’s where I came across this gem.

Hello, beautiful! For those unfamiliar with the area, Northern Virginia is a soulless, traffic-choked shithole. The only reason anyone would come here is the job market, which is robust in a time when the rest of our fellow Americans would perform sex acts that sound like they originated from Urban Dictionary to make ends meet. Due to that secure job market, the cost of living is ridiculously high, with the cheapest of efficiency apartments starting at $1,100. So if I had to make like this to save over a K a month, so be it. My eyes drifted to the picture of the room.

I play for Team Puts-Wiener-In-Vagina, but I can still recognize great decor when I see it. The pillows match that thingy on top of the curtains and the bed looks puffy and that desk looks…neat? Okay, I’m not so good at describing furniture, but I can recognize a room that would make a woman receptive to enduring the four minutes of sex I intended to inflict upon her, and this place fit the bill. So just what were these chores? I read on to the very first line of the post.

Way to skip the foreplay, buddy. Maybe I missed the memo, but I don’t recall bondage being part of the “chore” family. Never once growing up did I hear, “Young man, if you don’t tighten the clamps on Daddy’s nipples, don’t even think about dessert tonight!” In an instant, my dreams lay dashed, the housing hunt thrown back to square one. Doesn’t matter. I’ll probably get hit by a car, anyway.

A picture of the full post, which has since been taken down (I guess he found someone handy with a chain) can be seen here.

{ 2 comments }

A Corgi Dressed as Thor

by admin on May 8, 2012


A “Thorgi” if you will. To those who wondered, “How low will John stoop for traffic,” I’m glad we could arrive at that answer together.

Please like Papa’s Basement on Facebook and follow on Twitter.

{ 0 comments }

Papa’s Basement 5-7-12-My Mom Calls In to the Show

by admin on May 7, 2012

In honor of my mother on the phone, here's Estelle Getty dialing away. My favorite scene from that show was when Sophia looked to the camera and said, "It takes a diamond dick to fuck a Golden Girl," then climbed on top of her lover, who, in that particular episode, was portrayed by Julius Erving.

Papa’s Basement 5-07-12 (iTunes users, please rate and subscribe to Papa’s Basement by clicking here. Left-click the episode title or press the “play” button at the bottom of the post to listen immediately. To download this episode, right-click the episode title and select “Save Link/Target As.” )

You can click here to listen to my mom’s QVC clip which is mentioned in the episode. She begins about 1/3 of the way through.

{ 1 comment }

Reviewing The Avengers Without Having Seen It

by admin on May 4, 2012

Here are some of The Avengers: Hawkeye, Captain America and Black Widow, whose special power is having tits that were much better earlier in her career.


Had The Avengers been released five years ago, I would have needed two tickets to view it: One for myself, and one for my erection, which would have jutted into the seat in front of me. Sadly, it is now 2012, and I think the thrill of superhero movies has largely died down because the market became far too saturated with them. Movie studios are like a guy who just lost his virginity and sucks in bed, but finally finds one move that works, so he uses that move ad nauseam until his partner is sick of even it and would rather be gang raped by a bunch of Somali pirates than endure it one more time. Superhero movies are that one move, and we are that frustrated lover praying for Somali cock.

And, now, a picture of Thor that looks exactly like Nicholas Cage.

{ 1 comment }

Junior Seau Found Dead of Self-Inflicted Gunshot Wound

by admin on May 2, 2012

Ah jeeze. That smile. It's always hardest when people with a good smile go.

The body of NFL great Junior Seau was found by his housekeeper today. He died of what appears to be a self-inflicted gunshot wound to the chest. I’d hate to learn he died due to a woman spurning him or some other transitory garbage. In my experience, unless you have Lou Gehrig’s disease or learn you’re going to someday invent Skynet, suicide isn’t the way to go. RIP.

{ 0 comments }

Sheetz Offers Premium Wine By the Glass. Fancy Enough Fer All Y’allz Needs!

by admin on May 1, 2012


Not to make you readers jealous, but I must confess that I dine in many elegant venues during the week due to this Internet celebrity status I enjoy. Among them is the Sheetz located in Chantilly, Virginia along pastoral Route 50. Perhaps you’ve read of the establishment in your supermarket gossip magazines. I’m sure you’ve whispered in hushed tones, “What fanciful, lavish treats that I dare not even imagine must be presented there, to patrons both hoity and toity?”

Well, wonder no longer. I’m here to let you 99% gaze upon the ambrosia served to us gods in this modern-day Olympus. Yes, it’s sweet, delicious Copa Wine, sold in units small enough for teenagers to steal by concealing them in their baggy pants. And, lest you have any doubts regarding the bouquet’s pedigree, I encourage you to look no further than the declaration of its champion status circa 2010, which is prominently displayed on the item’s individual cardboard cutout (the cheese always stands alone). This is the opulence in which I live, loyal readers. Bathe me in your envy.

{ 1 comment }

Mad Men‘s Roger Sterling Gets Blowjob, Turbo-Cuckolds Don Draper

by admin on April 30, 2012

If you look closely, you can almost see Roger Sterling receiving oral reflected in Sally's eyes.

To the casual observer, Don Draper is the stud bull of Mad Men. He’s tall, he’s muscular, and he’s got the looks and the game to run that shit, son. But the more astute viewer recognizes a very different truth, which is that none other than silver fox Roger Sterling is the real cock of the walk, a fact he proved during last night’s episode, “At the Codfish Ball” (click here to watch now via Amazon), by GETTING A BLOWJOB FROM DON’S MOTHER-IN-LAW WHILE FORCING DON’S DAUGHTER, SALLY, TO WATCH ON IN HORROR.

…Okay, Roger didn’t force Sally to watch her step-grandmother gargle with his martini-soaked seed. But she did inadvertently catch it happening. And, as far as conquests go, having sex with a man’s mother-in-law is far more dominating than sleeping with his wife. Because, as we all know, if you’ve slept with a woman, it counts as sleeping with every woman that’s come out of her vagina, too. It’s like sticking your cock into a bunch of Russian nesting dolls.

{ 1 comment }

← Previous Entries

 
stats software/ scripts